The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is it about the stupid holidays that make us feel obliged to deal with these people. Mind you if we didn't have kids together I would have said hell no! But since we do I feel obligated to let him see his kids on the holidays. I really don't want him to come and think we would have a much better time without him. I know once he comes in it will be hard to get him out again! Why do I feel this obligation to be nice?
I just have a lot of resentment toward him right now and don't know if I can be nice for a day. AND I don't want him taking that as he has a shot!
The holidays can be a trying time. Remember that you can do anything for a split second, even something unbearable. So take it one split second at a time and try hard not to project what "could" happen.
That's my plan anyway... Prayers and thoughts of you this holiday season.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think you can set boundries here. You can say "You may be here for this amount of time, under these circumstances."
I think also we want to be with our families, we want to make sure that we're "practicing these principles in all these affairs."
But agian, we are talking about the man that was opportunistic enough to break into your house while you were in DC. Perhaps you could meet at some mutually agreed public place.
I can definitely understand that you need to be in touch with your husband. You have a lot going on. Having no contact with him over the holidays would not work at the moment.
I also understand the resentment. Personally I have to monitor that pretty carefully I can get toxic very very quickly. I set a lot of limits with myself about the amoutn of time I spend around the A. I also set a lot of limits around my expectations. I try to keep them as low as possible in order not to get resentful.
You're doing great trying to keep your head above water in a very difficult situation!
Since your ex recently broke into your home while you were away, I worry about your safety should he come (I am assuming to your home?) for Thanksgiving.
I don't know him, and I don't know the situation, but my worry would be (as you expressed), that once he comes, he won't leave willingly.
Here are several thrings that help me when I am trying to think my way through a situation:
I have the right to change my mind. Just because you told him he could come for T-day doesn't mean you couldn't change your mind about the invitation. Or, change it from dinner to dessert or a meeting with the kids at Chucky Cheese earlier in the day, etc.
I have the right to take care of myself (and the kids) first. If he creates drama or escalates the drama already started, will that really be a gift to you and your kids or just more pain in a painful situation?
I have the right to set boundaries. Boundaries are limits that I can enforce for myself and not for him. For example, it may be difficult to set boundaries within your home, but it may be easier to set boundaries (If he begins a fight, I will take the kids and leave) in a public place.
With the A in my life, my father, I know I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY struggle with my own emotions of guilt and fear. If I don't do what he wants, he'll retaliate. Or, I am being really mean to enforce this boundary. I've realized that guilt and fear come up for me in more situations than I can count and it's my Al-Anon work to work on these underlying feelings, which often motivate actions that I take that put me at risk, in danger of loosing myself or my sanity. Talking ot my sponsor, going to meetings, calling Al-Anon members for support, have all BEEN CRUCIAL in taking care of me in a sane way. Perhaps a sponsor or Al-Anon member could help you think this situation through more fully.
You and your kids deserve a safe, fun, joyous Thanksgiving. Take care of you! and the kids!
(((Carolina))) I too am concerned for your safety if you should let him come into your home. Just last week you were getting a personal protection order filed against him. This is a person who didn't hesitate to steal money from you and your children.
Bluecloud is right... you DO have the right to change your mind... or just change the plan to a meeting place outside your home.
Take care of you!!!
Love, Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I think the posts above set the boundary issue very clear and I can empathize with you. Keep yourself safe and focus on YOU first 0 you're worth it and we love you. I hope that you a Happy Thanksgiving.
It's important for you and the kids to be safe, so I hope you will set up parameters for his visit. Maybe you need a friend to join you so if he can't keep your boundries you will have help.
I like what the previous posters said about seeing him outside the house and yes, you can change your mind.
