The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my Abf and I went to a party on saturday. When I picked him up from lunch, he already had a few drinks in him. We got to the party and he started drinking more and more and then I recognized in his face he had done coke. He started to pick a fight with a co-worker, a huge argument started and the party was ruinned.
Afterwards, at home, he was just so unbearable. He wouldn't let me fall asleep and wanted to have sex. Since I told him NO, he started treating me so bad, and trying to make me feel like it was my fault and if he treated me badly it was because I deserved it.
Some things he said hurted, but honestly, I just didn't care. I mean, before, I used to feel so bad, and actually belive in the things he said, and they would hurt for a long time.
When we woke up on Sunday, I just was over it. I was a stand offish, of course. So he asked what was wrong, and I only told him I didn't like the events of the weekend and I was sad about that. He said he didn't like the weekend either.
I don't know if this is bad o is actually an advance. I don't know if I'm just getting used to him being an a-hole.
I wonder this a lot too, why do I forget so easily things that normal people would find horriffic? Sometimes when I tell the story it helps me to see how awful it really is. I think we just go through this stuff so many times and we have to deal with a-hole behavior and insane situations that we begin to become tolerant to them just like a's and druggies develop tolerance and it takes more and more to get them high. It takes more and more to upset us because we have seen so much, like living in a war zone, you just get numb. My ex broke into my house and stole money from me last weekend and it didn't seem that bad to me but to others it seems horriffic. I have allowed myself to become like this, to take more and more BS to the point where even this seems excusable. I think it's almost like brainwashing!
I am still a relative newcomer to this but here is my experience. There are 2 times when I noticed that I was overlooking unbearable things. The first was when I was emotionally unable to cope with it. That was before Alanon and I was just getting tired of being shocked all the time.
But it happened again as I started to really believe that this person who I love is really 2 distinct people now. One is my wife, who can be caring and compassionate and considerate of situations, and the disease which is incapable of living in that reality. To survive, the disease has no morals and rationalizes anything done so that guilt is deflected on someone or something else.
I had heard that a few times, but as things escallated in our relationship, I saw examples that just simply were not her any more. As I started to really "believe" this was possible, I started side stepping the crazyness, and accepting that it was what it was. No more, no less.
That is not an excuss for bad behavior, but it allows us to not go crazy trying to fix things we can not fix. (3 C's - cant cause, control, cure this disease)
I don't for a minute think you are cold, nobody seaking help in the face of this cunning and baffling disease is cold.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
To survive, the disease has no morals and rationalizes anything done so that guilt is deflected on someone or something else.
WOW! Now that is exactly what I needed to hear in a way that I can explain to others and comprehend myself. Deflection of guilt. ((((rtexas)))) you are awesome! I also have not been able to bear remembering the hateful things that have happened to me. Why do we put up with it? Because we are made to feel responsible for another's behavior. Especially being an ACOA! I was blamed for everything wrong in my father's life too!
Violeta....please know that you are not cold and that you are a warm and wonderful person who is entangled with a man who has a horrible disease. No excuse for his behavior though! I felt exactly the same way! My ex AH was cheating and I just did not care anymore. I think you get to the point where your emotions are just numb and you cannot feel anything because the pain would be too deep!
Thanks for all your answers. What I love about this site, is the fact that I can share my experiences, without anybody judging me. I've lost a lot of friends, or distanced myself from them, because they don't understand me and judge me and talk about me saying that I'm weak or dumb. So having your support means the world to me. Thank you.
