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HI to everyone. I haven't been here in a LONG TIME! And that is good I think. Well to me it was. That meant things were going ok w/my A husband. He has been clean and sober for 6 months and one week to the day as of last Thursday, 11/16/06.
Here is the pooper.....he has been gone since then. Back on crack. Getting cash advances on the credit card I STUPIDLY let him have to buy materials to fix up the house. He has gotten over $700 already since Thurs. I have not heard from him since he told me that morning that work was cancelled b/c of the horrible rain storms we were having.
I am so frustrated. He was doing so well. 6 months w/out any drugs or alcohol. He had even stayed away from tobacco products for the most part. A few weeks ago I noticed he had a pouch of chewing tobacco. I didn't like that much b/c it gave me a bad feeling. And now look.
We put our house on the market 6 months ago and now finally have a contract on it. We are set to close Jan 15. The inspection was last Wednesday. I guess Thurs he decided we were ok w/everything and he could disappear again. I don't know. What he does't know is that the potential buyers said the upstairs A/C unit doesn't work. Now I am scrambling to figure out how to fix it so we don't lose the contract. Meanwhile he is off, getting high and staying that way, charging up his credit card. I am struggling to pay the bills (I took them over last Nov when all of this came into light for the 1st time). I have charged over $10K just trying to survive this last year while we were stuck in this big house w/all this debt he got us into.
He has done so well for 6 months!!! I was beginning to think we'd be ok. Boy was I wrong. I was thinking we'd stay together, in a smaller house & help each other pay off our debts. I was thinking how much easier things were going to be once we moved. NOW, I am having to take a step back and realize that I am going to be on my own. I had settled into that fact last Spring but over the course of the summer I started thinking he'd be here to help.
Now when I really look at how things are between us - I AM NOT REALLY HAPPY WITH HIM! And I've known it for a few years. I just put a band-aid on my emotions hoping I would get past it and be happy again. Some days have been happy. But mostly, I have been miserable. I am stressed and he was always asking me, "What's wrong w/you? You look so sad." Then when I tell him I am stressed about money and the house and all of our debt, he puts up a wall. Gets angry w/me and starts making it sound like it is all my fault b/c I don't know how to manage money. What a joke. He managed it right up until last Nov. Somehow he managed to get us so deep in 1st & 2nd mortgages that I have to sell the house just to pay it off. Then of course there are the credit cards. What a mess. I have spent the last year making payments to everyone so they would all be happy and keep BOTH of our credit scores in good standing. His drug and alcohol addictions are what got us here and nothing else.
So I logged on today, looking for support. And as soon as the site came up, I broke down. Just being back on the site hurt. Nothing against the site or the folks here. Everyone is great. It is the idea that I NEED to be here again. I thought I was done w/this mess. I guess I never will be. Even if/when I divorce this man, b/c we have kids together, his problems will always affect me.
THANKS FOR LISTENING! I AM GOING TO SPEND SOME TIME READING OTHER POSTS NOW.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Wow. Yikes. Man, there were some serious expectations here. I mean, it sounded like your husband needed to be sued for breach of contract here or something. Wow.
Firstly, your husband did what drug addicts and alcholics do. They drink and do drugs. They allow themselves to be held hostage to their insanity and their disease because they don't allow themselves to see past the current moment. They don't look beyond the here and now and look for the external solution to the internal problem. There's a reason that "happiness is an inside job"--it involves work!
Secondly, there is nothing to say that you cannot continue to go through the housing stuff, the moving stuff, and whatever else without him. This may be the blow you need to work your program 24/7 no matter what he does. Because what I'm really hearing is you felt calm enough to get it together before he got sober; then he gets sober, you got complacent; now he's relapsed and you're at loose ends. That's not how this program works. We work our program 24/7/365 no matter if it's the second coming of the messiah or the apocolypse and end of times. Whatever your partner, child, parent, sibling or whomever the alcholic is in your life is irrelevant. People who are working their program, and working it as hard core as they know how know that when their loved ones return to the comfort of dysfunction, they have spiritual tools to allow them to continue to live in "functional safety", with their boundries, with their mental and emotional health, with the complete knowledge that their Higher Power hasn't abandoned them. And that's what I'm really hearing here--somehow, his sobriety became your higher power. As long as he was sober, you were safe; you were cared for; you loved. You are loved, cared for, cared about, and never forgotten no matter how much he drinks and uses drugs! Period! You have al anon! You have a god of your understanding!
I know your heart must be breaking. I have heard so many times that even with a program many addicts to have relapses. My father did. He quit on his own about 6 months before he was court ordered to rehab. For six months he just simply quit drinking. He picked up a beer thinking it was no big deal... it was just one. He went on the biggest binge of his life and was stopped with a near fatal BAL by the police.
He went to rehab and never drank again... that's been over 20 years. It is impossible to tell why he picked up, but there is hope that he will still see his way through this. It has happened, and can happen for him. Only he and his HP can work that out.
What can you do for you? Can you cancel that CC? Suspend it or report it lost?
I am so glad that you came here, we are all here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Boy can I relate! When my ex ah relasped after 5 months of sobriety I was knocked to my knees.
I had stopped alanon and life was good, or so I thought.
Deep breath, in and out. Now exhale.
We are here to listen.
You can get help.
When I sold my house there were "projects" in various states around the house that my A never seemed to have time to do no matter that he did not work or have chores or anything to do with his time at all, he drank.
So what I did was have the house selling lawyer deduct money from the contract to cover the cost the new owners would have to get the projects done. just a thought.
In support and understanding
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Dear Tiger - YES HE SHOULD BE SUED FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT!!!! If only it were possible.
I guess though more than I am disappointed in him - I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to BELIEVE in him again. What a fool I am to allow him to convince me he is any kind of a man when he continues to prove to me over and over that he is nothing more than an animal who cannot control his own urges. He cheats, he lies, he steals, he gives in to his drug and alcohol addictions. AND WHO AM I TO STAND IN HIS WAY ANY LONGER. I am the fool here. And I realize that. EVERYTIME he screws me over, I realize it. I just allow him back in though to smooth things over so I can go on living in my dream world where he is my prince who will ride in on his white horse and save me from this world. BUT REALLY HE IS THE DEMON IN DISGUISE. Maybe it is just that the devil has such a tight grasp on his soul that he will never be free.....but I am PISSED b/c I am having to pay the piper for a deal I didn't make w/the devil.
Oh the anger I am feeling right now is undescribable. I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO PUT IT IN WORDS. I gave him my trust AGAIN only to have it betrayed AGAIN! I am so weak and I have been mascarading around as this strong hard core woman. BUT I AM SO WEAK. And I am so tired. Yet I have to continue on like nothing is wrong for th kids, for my family for my work. Prod away! Wouldn't it be nice to just once say SCREW IT ALL and walk away? That is what he gets to do. Leave his responsibilities behind for someone else to take care of. I can't even go to the bathroom with out the weight of the world sitting right there with me. HOW IS THAT FAIR? IT IS NOT - AND I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!
And now look - I have taken it out on my friends here at MIP. I am so sorry. I AM JUST SO FLIPPIN MAD!!! I think I am just going to fill out the separation papers I paid so much for during my divorce consultation 6 months ago and when he finally shows up, tell him it is time to sign them so we can move on w/our lives separately. He can go smoke his crack until he can't think straight and I will go on w/my life, raise our kids and try to establish some sort of normalcy for them. They deserve it and so do I. And I guess he deserves his crack and all the demons that come along with it. SCREW THIS CRAP. I DON'T NEED IT ANY MORE.!!
Thanks for listening and so sorry for getting so angry. If he were here in front of me, I would probably knock his lights out. If I could - he is alot bigger than me. He'd probably knock my lights out first. ARRGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey girl, take some deeeeeep breaths. I am right there with you. Also have a house under contract and a husband who is unreachable. You are definitely not alone! I have the separation papers right here in front of me. When I moved out I closed all the bank accounts and opened one in my name only and cancelled any credit cards that he had access to - even his. I don't know if that would work for you but when he runs out of money he'll turn up pretty quick! Same thing happened to me, he'd go on runners for days at a time, I moved out with the kids. He still expects me to take care of him, bail him out. I just had a conversation on the phone with him and he asked why i'm being so mean why can't he just come stay on the couch till he gets a place. Nevermind the fact that two weeks ago he had a job, he visited us every weekend and stayed over, he had a truck and a place to stay. He decided to go on a runner get arrested get a dui, lose the truck, the job, the place to stay. Yet I am the mean one. I let him slide on support payments and now it looks like I'll never see any money. When I say I'm right there with you I MEAN your story is MY story!
Thanks for posting, remember it's not the end of the world and things can only get better! I know what you mean about feeling like an idiot for believing again. Just remember there's nothing you can do about him, only things you can do for yourself.
Good to see you back on the boards. I hate that you are going through this turmoil again. The "wall" you spoke about that goes up for your A when you discuss finances is very similar in my home. My A has a hard time owning up to his mistakes and has a great deal of shame and guilt about the mistakes he made while using. I can hear the frustration and hurt in your post. One good thing for you is that you have the sale of your home. Most of the accounts are in my name as well, and I work hard to keep my finances seperate from his. I won't even allow him to apply for a credit card with my name on it. Its just a safety precaution I prefer. My point... legally its in your name... legally you have the right to attend to your finances as you need to. Keep the focus on you and your goals, try not to let this steal your joy. We're here for you.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hugs to you and please be kind to yourself. Yes you need to work your program. Especially when the Aism is not visible to you. I don't know if I could do the 24/7/365 thing but work it as best you can. Because when you least expect it like me...you could get another one. I attract A's. So I do my best to work my program my way. Just one day at a time and do the best that you can and for crying out loud cancel the credit card!
I so understand how you feel....and I mean I do...my husband is also a crack addict and an alcoholic......crack addiction is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life....it all begins with alcohol...my husband was an active alcoholic for years and then came the pills....and then came the crack...and the crack as usually comsumed this man that I love...and that is the saddest part of it...our love for them.....it is the hardest thing to let go of......but for our own sake we must....it is a matter of survival dear friend....
It is the drug but the drug is more powerful than the man......
I wish you some peace of mind dear friend....as that is what I wish for me and maybe one day our hearts woln't hurt so much....
Hon just the fact you said you thought you were done with all this, and you are upset that you need to be here, tells me alanon has a lot more to give you.
I sure know how you feel. It is a slam in the guts. I can tell you, even though I did not for one second believe my A would be ok, and we would be ok, when I saw him, and talked to him, and read the letters he sent me, I had hope.
Hope maybe I had some more time with him.
Don't beat you up at all. But one thing I know for sure, I cannot share anything with A, clean for ten year or one day, I will not set myself up like that.
A's relapse becuz they are addicts. It has NOTHING to do with bills or houses or anything. They may use that as an excuse, but the primary is they are addicts. It is what they do.
But that is that, YOU are what is important. Sounds like now you realize that. Nothing he does or does not do cannot make any difference to you. We have to clean up messes and make it son they do not happen again.
I wish I was there to hug ya and sit and talk or sit and do nothing. I hope you have someone to be with you. this is a horrible loss. But also think of it as you had six months of Good time with him. Be glad for that. He has a horrible disease. It was like a remission hon. He did not do it to hurt you.
Now you have a horribly broken heart. Nothing hurts more. We all have to go thru a bunch of bad things to grow. I am so sad for you both. But again, you had him for six months.
Hon it will never ever be over when someone is an addict. Even on a program of recovery, he is still A. It is not something you can turn off and on. In a way it is like cancer, just in there waiting to come back again.
So we learn in alanon to live thru this crap with out being sick. It is so hard. I am still grieving my darn A, and it was three and a half mo. ago. I am getting lots better, but I am not feeling very happy yet.
Glad you are here. I want to say too, if you had stayed, maybe you would not be so shocked now that he relapsed. We cont. to learn so much even when the A is gone or in recovery, or whatever.
I do not plan to ever be with out alanon, and its wonderful people. This site is part of my life. I got where i am becuz of it. I do not like face to face meetings. Mostly now becuz I am disabled and it hurts to sit there.
But no matter, I wanted to learn and learning I am right here.
so don't leave, have faith. do your best to go easy on you. You are grieving, I know you have LOTS going on, however, one day at a time, do what you can then rest.
pay attention to your breathing, deep breaths. drop your elbows, stretch your muscles. I know it seems so dumb, but the simplest things, will help, buy yourself some pretty soap, keep warm, I don't do xmas, but i always have those tiny lights on all over in my house. cuts the power bill and they are so cute.
QOD , unfortuantley what alot of people miss is that Al-Anon is not jsut for bad times it is for a good life period recovery doesnt stop when someone gets sober . Al-Anon is a program for living your life to get the most out of each day to find the courage to accept what is and not live in the fantacy that got us all here in the first place.
Your husb is only doing what addicts do ,with out help from people who understand what he is going thru he is likley to slip. This is a disease and it is more powerful than al of us put to gether. Love will not cure this disease if it could we wouldn't need AA NA or Al-Anon .
OUr insanity is that we keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting it to work out differently this time and it never does except that it gets worse. Please go back to meetings and focus on yourself you are the only one that u have any control over . Louise
Am glad you're back. Keep us posted.
