Wow - I think I'm finally getting it.  I cried last night - and I haven't been able to do that for some time (at least not without anger, but more with the feeling of letting go).  My father passed away 4 months ago, and at one time in my life I thought when that happened, it would destroy me, but I'd already been so destroyed by this terrible illness of a relationship, that I was already so numb.  I couldn't believe how strong I was through it all, but I'm realizing that I've been in the 'dead zone' myself with this A, and when you're in that place, you're so caught up in it that everything seems dead anyway.

I just woke up this morning and had the feeling that I could handle whatever comes my way in order to get out of this.  I just kept making excuses to myself that 'things could be worse' and denying the fact that they could only get better.  I've never been this strong around him and I let him know that I wasn't going to live this way for the rest of my life and he wasn't going to do anything about changing and I meant it, and he knows I mean it, this time.  I had to ride through his anger reaction and then his 'poor me' feelings, and I now feel that I am prepared for 'come what may'. 

When you get to this place, it really doesn't matter so much about how things play out (so long as they don't become violent).  Right now, I feel I could lose everything I have, but at the end of the day I'm still gonna have me, and that's what I really need to keep going.  Creature comforts are great - if they comfort you, but all I've been using mine for are to insulate myself in this world of pain and anguish, and they haven't been much of comfort at all.  You can have every material thing in the world, but if you have lost yourself in the midst of it all, you don't have anything. 

When you've hurt for as long and as bad as I have, there is really no way but up, and just realizing this is a step in the right direction.  While I don't think it's going to be instantly easy, I do believe I'm taking the first step.  I never had any control over the alcohol, and I certainly don't have any control over 'how' this is going to go, but I KNOW it's going to go now.  In whatever manner it needs to. 

This is the beginning of the end for his use of alcohol destroying my life and I feel a sense of sadness, but a strange sense of relief at not feeling as though I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders any longer.  Geesh - no wonder I've been in so much pain.  It's been really heavy!