This has been a really hard thing for me.  I am a "natural hover-er" as is my mother, trying to control everyone and everything around her. 

My AH has been made to attend Domestic Violence classes thru the court, due to a lot of stuff that happened almost 2 years ago, and most recently last Dec. 27.  He does not know I know, but I saw the letter from the court.  We do not talk about drinking or any of the consequences thereof in our household.  It is a very bizzare way to live.  Always keeping thoughts and feelings tucked away in my heart.  But, it is necessary for my survival.  For today.

So, he went to his class Tues. night, got home at 9:30.  I was already asleep.  Wed. night, he stayed at his friend's across the street drinking until sometime after 7:30, when I gave up and went on to bed.  Thursday, the same thing, he didn't come home until I was in bed.  I find myself becoming nervous after he's been over there for a while, because sometimes he comes home in a bad mood, sometimes a good mood, and talking non-stop until I think my head will split, and repeating himself over and over about something stupid that I've already heard before, so it's easier for me just to go on to bed and avoid him all together.  Thursday night late I got up for a drink (of MILK!) and he was asleep on the couch, and he had taken off his wedding ring, and laid it on the kitchen table. I don't know if this had any significance or not, because the only time he has ever taken it off before was when he was screaming that he wanted a divorce, and he took it off and threw it across the room, and left it off for almost 3 months.  I just left the ring where it was, and never mentioned it.  He had it back on last night, so who knows????  The important thing is, I only gave it a passing thought, did not freak out and go running thru the house screaming "Oh, what!  You want a divorce again or what???  Why did you take your ring off!!!"  Crazy stuff I try really hard to not do anymore, and I am doing pretty well at.

So, I only saw him a couple of hours Monday, none Tues., Wed. or Thursday.   Last night, Friday, we both got home from work around the same time.  He had his ring back on, he did not bring any beer home with him.  We just sat and watched TV, then went to bed early, as I had to work again today.  But, it was like we didn't connect.  We didn't talk.  We sat side by side on the couch for a few hours and didn't say a word.  But, it did feel good to not have a knot in my stomach.  And it felt good to not smell the beer smell.  He didn't act nervous or anything not drinking.  So, I just can't understand why he can't NOT DRINK.  I mean, I know about the disease aspect and all that, it's just that I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.  And I don't think I ever will. 

He's been doing this non-drinking once in a while lately, I don't know why.  I would love to know, but I know it is non of my business.  I imagine he is trying to prove to himself (and thereby he can prove it to me) that he is NOT an alcoholic, because he can go 1 day a week and not drink.  Oh, well.  I know different.

Sorry for the rant.  I have not been on here much lately, have been so tired.  I know I am only detaching a little, but I am getting better.  Some of you here amaze me at how much you are able to detach and still love your A.  I think that I am able to detach most of the time, but I really do not like to be around him much when he is drinking, so instead of detaching from his behavior, and staying up and doing what I want to around the house, it is easier just to go to bed and not deal with it.  I can only not and smile so much when I have heard the same story 1,000 times.  And if he's drinking and I tell him I've already heard that before, no matter how nicely I try to say it, he gets angry or hurt.  One thing about it, I'm getting a lot of sleep!

Love in Recovery,

Becky1