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I have had a few crazy experiences this week.....hub left hospital didn't go to rehab.. his dad called him and said, you need to come home you got your job back....how stupid was that.....anyway of course, the next day out he was back in the crack house..... wow I was surprised not.....so anyway....I told him that it is his life and what ever his choice it's on him...I am done...I am out....I am going to take care of me now.... I no longer have time to play these games... I can not take the pain of it all anymore...
He obviously didn't beleive me because yesterday he calls me for a ride, I said no, h said I am stranded.......I want to go home ( to his dads house) I thought about it for a long while and decided that is was simple human kindness to give him a ride so I told him.....do not ever ask this of me again I will not do it....I am done.....I am out of this life....I will not beat myself up again...I am going to take care of me for a change.. and I can not take the pain of it all anymore.....I could see the desperation in his face it almost seemed like he was running from himself....
So anyway, I am not crying and greiving myself to death anymore....I have decided that I am going to get over him if it kills me.....because what ever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right now I just feel numb...
I have so very much in my life that is good and this is my new focus....I am no longer worried about the addict because that will be what that will be... I am taking care of me first for the first time in my marriage...I am going to survive this by the grace of god and I will be better for it.....I know this pain must end soon....
Just wanted to give a little update....by no means is this ease however, this is very possible...for the first time in a long time I see hope for me....I can see thru the pain of it all....I can see that I will be ok....I just need the time to heal......
Oh (((((((Andrea)))))), what can I say, except that I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am very happy you are thinking about you and working on you. You so deserve to move forward and find the happy, peaceful life you ache for, I know. You are doing so well and your attitude is so good. I know it's not easy, but I also know that you can do it. You have so much strength and I admire you.
I'm here for you, dear friend. You and your dear family have been and will continue to be in my prayers.
Welcome to the rest of your life! Your story is full of compassion and strength and as you said, you will make it!
It really speaks to the power of the disease when you see in their face the pain of us letting go, but they have the power of choice to fix it and just can't do it some times. It never ceases to amaze me.
Keep working your program... keep us informed we are truly here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Andrea: what a virulent addiction crack is. I've seen it take many a person down.
I am so so sorry you have had to go through this.
I am also so sad your husband's family is still in denial.
I have had my own real breaking points these past weeks, weeks of chaos, sadness, despair and anger. I am tired of the roller coaster. The next few months are tough ones for me, no matter what I do they will be tough. After that I see a road that leads somewhere else.
I am so happy for you that you are choosing to focus on the good in your life. I am also so impressed with your strength and resilience. There are times when I think how can I get through this then I am reminded of someone like you who keeps at it no matter what.
((((((((((((Andrea))))))))) I am so glad you are handling everything, some days it may feel like you are barely hanging on, but you are doing it!!! And I think the days we feel like we are just hanging there we are still building strength, right?
His asking you for a ride reminds me of what one of my A sponsors told me one night....... My A was out doing "his thing" and got stranded, he was out of gas, so he called me looking for a ride. I really didn't want to go since it was 3AM, I was already sleeping and warm and it was freezing outside, plus he was about 35 min away. So I told him I didn't know, he got angry and hung up. A few min. later his sponsor calls me, my A called him looking for a ride. Well Joe asked if I was going to do it, I said I wanted to but didn't want to so I didn't know what to do. Then he told me...."If he was smart enough to get himself stuck out there, then let him be smart enough to get himself home." And when I thought about it, Joe was right. So when my A called back I simply told him, "You managed to get yourself there without my help, now you can manage to get home without my help also." Then I went back to bed and didn't answer the phone. He managed to get himself and his car home about an hour later.
I could not continue helping him, even if it were just for a ride home. He got himself into the situation so he needed to figure out the solution. He was going to learn about natural consequences for his actions, something I had been preventing by giving him the rides in the first place.
You are a strong woman Andrea, even if you don't feel like it all the time.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this pain, but I know (and I know you know) you aren't going through it alone. This is not an experience anyone would wish on even their worst enemies, but I know God uses these storms to shape us and refine us causing us to lean on His power and strength. I certainly know I couldn't get through the tough times on my own, nor do I have to. I also read the poem your husband wrote.....he's dealing with tremendous pain as well as the demons of the disease. You can be confident of my prayers for you all. Hang in there, friend, and keep your eyes on God and keep taking those "baby steps". God Bless!
(((Andrea))))) I am so sorry you are going thru this pain, and only those of us who have lived with the insanity of having someone we love addicted to drugs or alcohol can relate, IMHO. Too bad his family is still in denial. I have had to deal with a lot of family members of my A's who are still in denial also, it sure isn't easy. That's why coming here is essential to my well being. Here I find love and understanding, from people who have been where I am.
Good for you for taking care of yourself, and doing what you must do to get thru this. I know you might not feel very great right now, but you are stronger than you may think. You will be OK. It will take time, but you will heal. HP will see to that. Just let it go.
I think sometimes they are ao used to us coming to hteir rescue that when we say no more, they have a hard time accepting that they are no longer going to get help from us. I know my "A" had a hard time when I told him that I was no longer going to enable him. That I would no longer support his addictions and that he wanted to drink, drug, and smoke, then it was on him to find the money to do it with. The expression on his face was priceless, and so was the serenity that I found.
I know with the inspiration I get from this group, the examples of the strength I read (like in your post) I will be able to do what I need to do when the time comes for me.
Thanks for sharing your ESH with us.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
