The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not posted here in a while. I've read the boards, but kept to myself ... not really sure why, just wanted to stay in the back ground.
My A, if anyone remembers, went to rehab 6 months ago, came home, and went to the bar on my birthday. He sobered back up, got his 3 month chip from AA, then disappeared for a week long bender in which he drank 24 hours a day, never changed his clothes, didnt take a shower, etc. Never called, nothing.
I, in MY insanity, went to fetch him and bring him home to give him another chance. That lasted less than one month. I went to pick him up from work yesterday and he was drinking. I dropped him off at his boss's house and told him that while he may not have reached his rock bottom yet, I have reached mine. I will not go back on this rollercoaster.
Now, I am on my own yet again. Today I have to pack up all his belongings and his dog and take them over the mountain to drop them off at his house.. he won't be there thank goodness. At least I wont have to deal with that. This will be the last thing that I do for him. And it's not even really for him, it's for me because I cannot take care of this dog, I have five children and that is enough. And, I cannot stand to look at his things... his clothes in the dresser, his papers on the table, etc. I have to get them out of here, or I am never going to stop crying.
When I started to wake up this morning I tried so hard to stay asleep. I just didnt want to face another day in this hell. I would never wake up if I could possibly do that. It is the only time I am not hurting. I do not feel better or 'free' for making this decision to end this relationship and get off the 'crazy train'. I feel like I am mourning the death of my best friend. I love him and hate what he has done to me, the children and has done to himself. I hate the fact that he chose to drink again when he had such a strong support system (not me, his friends in AA, his family who also go to AA, etc). I hate the fact that he chose to throw our family away, as he knew that if he picked up again, it was over.
I feel defeated. Not free. When does it get any better? Will I ever feel happy again? Will I ever WANT to wake up in the morning? It sure doesnt feel like it.
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Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy.
I totally understand and feel your pain, I am in a similar situation.....I have been married for 20 yrs and have had the same issues.....I as well have hit my rock bottom....he has not lived here for the past 4 months and I too today am packing his clothes and everything that is his and gettting it out of here.....
Last night my A called and asked me for a ride....out of the house of addiction in which he lives....at first I didn't go and then he called back and I could hear the desperation so I went...I told him this is the last time do not call again....
I am going to take care of me now...me and my kids first and foremost.....the pain as you say is unbareable....but life has to get better...
Anything is better than the hell of living in addiction......
I so understand your pain. My AW of 14 years decided to move out and leave her family as opposed to getting treatment. It has been very hard on everyone. I have cried over the death of this relationship, and gotten angry when I realized that I was not living in reality.
I was trying to save something that wasn't real. She is misserable on her own, but she was miserable here too.
You made a decission and are following through with it. That is the right thing to do. Keep doing the next right thing and you will make it.
Last night, I cooked supper for 1 and read a book. Worked out a little, watched a movie and slept like a baby. I too am not happy that things are the way they are... but at least I am honestly looking at it the way it is. Through posing here and going to meetings, I can finally see that I don't have to stay in the hell my AW lives in. Be it here or not, I still have a choice.
I chose to have the best day I can. Keep posting, keep talking about it with people who understand. It helps, and you can extinguish the fires of hell for yourself too. We are all here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
rtexas said: I chose to have the best day I can...wise words.
Some suggestions...Choose to use every Alanon tool you know to better yourself, including meetings if possible. Of course there is sadness and grief, but choose happiness at every instance you can muster up. Write a few things everyday that you are grateful for. Make sure to laugh with your children everyday. Realize that your "feelings" are not who you are. Make this your opportunity to grow. Try to give as little power to the effects of alcoholism as possible, it's draining. Keep it Simple. Take things only at face value, stopping yourself from projecting the "what if's". Practice Detachment (emotional distance), it is the disease that has taken over your A, it need not take you too. Take a moment before reacting. Establish personal boundaries to protect yourself.
Luckily, we have a gift that HP has made available to us at all times, we often forget while in the depths of crisis. We were given free will. We create who we are and want to be, how we act and what we aspire to be. Create the best you that you can. Create your future . We are not the sum of our past unless we choose to stay there.
I remember well feeling like I was in hell and these suggestions would have been nothing more then words. I thought " How the heck do I choose my feelings"? They are what they are. I figured out that I can allow myself to feel them, but if they are destructive feelings I don't want to stay there. I can choose to do something to counteract them. I didn't have to be short with my son because I was feeling bad, I could choose to use kind words. I didn't have to sit in th on the pity pot, I forced myself to do something I enjoy.
Somehow in the back of my mind I hung on to the suggestions and tools and little by little I began give myself permission to be kind to myself.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I feel defeated ? well this isn't about you , his drinking has nothing to do with you . Your not the reason he drinks and you probably won't be the reason he quits. Nothing u say or do will make him drink again or stop, we are simply not that powerful.
Everything we do to try and change things is doomed to fail because we are tying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with us , it's thier problem, the only person we can change is ourselves . Nothing will change until someone changes . Until we stop rescuing them there is no reasosn for them to change. the alcoholic is only doing what a's do drink
I am so so sorry to hear of your pain. I know what it is of course I have been there and done that many a time. The pain of watching the A destroy himself is incalcuable.
I am so so so glad you can come here and get help.
Don't give up. Sometimes in recovery it gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Give him back the stuff that is his. You don't have to do his emotional work for him. For myself, I cry and give up every day. But I have to trust the process and believe that Alanon knows what it is talking about. Keep living for yourself and your family and acts as if and it will eventually become real.
