The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
O.k. not like audible voices--just those that keep telling me--I am not satisfied with things in my life, I am not important, I am lonely, I am fat, this is not the way my life was suppose to end up, watch out your husband has had 3 sober months but you know things for you can't go good so you know something is coming, ex has stopped bothering you--why has ex stopped bothering you--what is up? money is tight, you don't have enough money for Christmas, paychecks will be short in Nov. and Dec. due to holidays, my good friend had a baby yesterday-he husband didn't call to tell me about it (like he didn't have more important things to do--like take care of his wife!!!)-why did my feelings get hurt? (THat's just selfish and stupid on my part) Then there is the whole--I would have been a mommy again this month if I hadn't miscarried--but that is selfish to, b/c I shouldn't feel bad about not being able to bring another child into this chaotic life I live in.
Why can't I just accept this is where my life is--it isn't bad!! My ah is sober today, my 3 children are healthy--I even had a man come up to me last Weds. at church and tell me my son was doing so much better (he got kicked out of class last year b/c they just couldn't handle him--asperger's not a whole lot of fun for kids) I have a job--it's not a stressful job really. I have free time. I get out every week--al-anon meeting, sing at church (which I love to do). There is no logical reason for me to feel so bad inside!!!!
Hate that you are having a rough time - also please accept my sympathy for the loss of your child in the miscarriage.
Remember - feelings are neither good, bad, or ugly - they are what they are - feelings. Prior to recovery, I would stuff these feelings, not deal with them and they would come out sideways & that was really bad.
So can you take some time for you? to pamper yourself - to allow yourself to feel these feelings - to write some grief letters for the pain you are feeling. Sometimes naming the feelings helps us deal with them - then after the feelings are named; then write a letter to our HP to ask Him to remove them, that we are ready to let them go - to move on to a happier time, ready to have a time of hope & gratitude.
Now, some like to actually write these letters on paper & then burn them so that no one else can read them, some like to journal, some like to do this as a form of verbal prayer - that is beauty of the program - it is about what works for You.
I hope that you can take care of you - You are special & deserve it - life is hectic, but taking good care of you is the best gift you can give yourself & your family.
Sending good thoughts & prayers that you will be able to work through this - Remember trust in your HP - together you & He will be Ok - even better than OK,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Well I think the holidays can be pretty hard times. That is one reason I choose to be busy.
I think it also can be a one day at a time thing. Right now I have next week sewn up. Goodness knows how I will get through Christmas. I do it one day at a time though. I make progress.
I know for me my self esteem improved vastly when I started exercising on a regular basis. If you can, join a local YMCA and find a class there that you like. By being involved with a group of people working up a sweat together, you'll find that your feelings of self worth skyrocet.
I think the other thing that you're upset about is the "itty bitty shitty committe." These old tapes were planted with extreme care, over time, and very adept surgery. It'll just take time to make it happen. Make changes. That type of thing. Again, self investments are the best "combat" to these "voices."
