The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this forum. I need help. My husband who i married August 5 has turned into a monster. I have always known that he drinks a lot. And in the past 6 months I have realized that he is an angry, crazy drunk. He makes up stuff in his head and just tries to fight with me. When he is drunk he destroys our house and rages about things that he has never mentioned before. It is like my husband left his body and all that is left is this mean-spirited man who HATES me and thinks I am worthless. But last night is when I really realized he has a problem. I left the house to get cigarettes and he watched me drive off and I kissed him before I left and told him I was going. Of course, he was still yelling at me as I was out of the house because he can not stand it if I am not fighting back with him. When I get back ten minutes later his car is gone AND MY THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS LEFT IN THE HOUSE ALONE. This is coming from a man who loves her with all his heart. How could he do this? He slept in his car last night, which I think is pathetic as well.
It is sad to watch who i know is an amazing man go down the drain like this. I love him with all of my heart, but I can not live like this. I am a wonderful woman, and I want someone who will treat me that way sober and drunk. I did not marry him to be abused. And he makes me feel like I am the crazy one when he is drunk, and I will not even be saying a word in hopes that he will just stop raging at me. What should I do for myself and my little girl? I do not want to leave the man that I love, but I can not take this feeling I have.
I have read a lot on here, and I respect your comments. Please just share with me. I need it.
I guess the first thing, which I'm sure you know, is that you can never leave your little girl alone with him. When he is drunk he doesn't have a functioning brain. He probably just forgot her. I used to come to my son's house and find dog poop on the floor because he forgot to come home from the bar and walk the dog that he claims he loves more than anything in the world.
I have found both this site and face to face al-anon meetings to be incredibly helpful. Both have helped me understand how to detach with love. It's not at all easy, but it helps clear your head so you can make good decisions for you and your daughter.
What I suppose I am confused about is if I should be gone. Or should I try counseling with him, which ironically he is willing to do? I am just torn. I lost a baby a year ago.. my son. And I can not take much more hurt. I am emotionally drained.
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. If you have been reading through the forum, you know this is a safe place and that you are by no means alone. In Al-anon nobody is going to offer up advise as to if you should go or not. The decissions you make to effect your life are yours to make.
But when I got in the program 9 months ago, the only advise I was given was to attend meetings, and don't make any major changes for six months. The exception to that is for your safety. If you feel you or your child is in danger then you have to take care of yourself.
The truth is, when I first came here I was completely hysterical myself. Making a decission feeling like that made no sense. It wouldn't have been based on reason.
This program and this board will help you get your life focused around you, so you can gain some perspective on the situation.
I would encourage you to see if there is any meetings close by, and/or use the chat feature on this site. What ever you do, you will know we are always here and support you 100%. This site has been a true lifesaver to me, and this program can help you understand the dynamics of what's going on around you.
I am glad you are here, keep posting and know we understand and care.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome Jenna, did you post a long time ago? just curious.
Counseling is useless when the primary problem is aism. Until he has an interest in AA and getting into recovery, there is nothing to do.
What YOU can do is what is best for you and your precious daughter.
There is no leaving her with him ever, at all. I don't care if he is in recovery ten years I would NEVER leave her alone with him. That is me.
I assume besides him leaving her alone, you live with him raging and abusing and she is there. Believe me she feels everything. The early years are so vital in their growth.
Of course it is completely up to you if you leave, have him leave whatever. Only you know if you are ready.
There are so many things to face about aism. Even if he goes into recovery and AA, the chances of it starting all over again are high. Plus he is an alcoholic and he has certain symptoms that will always be part of him.
If you read your post you know you have said, you don't want this. I sure do not blame you. But we can only change ourselves. So either you learn to live with him, or you leave.
Nothing you say will make him quit using. Nothing you do will change anything about him.
It is so horrible to be a newlywed and going thru this. I was married for just a few months when my long in recovery A had a brain surgery, relapsed and my sweet husband was gone and back on drugs. I know the horrible pain.
Glad you are here. Hope you get some help here. love,debilyn
The A I live with has the same fight all the time too. I think the fights fuel his addiction. His poor me ism which he then uses to justify whatever.
The getting out is not easy. I am not sure what your situation is realistically. Obviously you are currently on overwhelm that is also the norm. Eventually you will be able to get to a plan b. My plan b is how do I move from paralysis (which is also the norm when you are dealing with an active alcoholic) to action. Most days I am able to take action. Money is a huge issue for me. The A smells money and does anything to get it. He needs it all of course to fuel his habit.
I think they are also incredibly sensitive to any kind of abandonment but they do the abandoning themselves. I feel for you. I also feel what it is like to be totally drained. This is a great forum to come to. No one will judge you here, no one will "tell you" what to do. You will hear your own story many many times. You will also watch other people take care of themselves and know what to do from their behavior. It takes one day at a time. We do it one day at a time. I came here a year ago. I was completely paralyzed then, drained, depressed, feeling almost suicidal. I still have a lot of problems after all I am still living with an active A who thinks nothing of lying, cheating stealing to get what he wants. The A I live with is also abusive but he'll cry and claim great love for his animals (at the same time he'll take off for 2 days and abandon them - some love huh?). The behavior is impossible to make sense of and trying to make sense of it can drive you crazy.
I hope you will drop into chat if you feel particularly bad. You will always find a welcome there. You will also find people who are really strong and who are able to redirect you to actions rather than paralysis. I cannot recommend this group enough. I do think that therapy helped me it wasn't the answer but it definitely helped. I would not necessarily say that couples therapy helped. Some therapists are better than others. I think one of the keys is to know that some of them can help and some of them can't. I think that is particularly hard when one is desperate to run into one who can't help. I don't have much room for anything but certain responses when I am truly desperate.
