The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my best friend had a baby on tuesday. she is nursing right now. i nursed all of my babies and i am her biggest support as far as that goes. but i have a feeling that she is not going to stick with it. i don't really care, he's not my baby and it really doesn't impact my life one way or the other. but i am so annoyed today after talking to her. in general, she lies alot. exaggerates and makes things more dramatic then they are in reality. she has always been like this but today it is bugging me alot and i have been obsessing all day about her and the baby and how she should nurse this baby and how she has no clue as to how her life has changed and will change as soon as she gets home and there is no nurse to send him off with and it's just her. i feel like a really big b*tch. i don't know if this is stemming from jelousy, or pain from my past experiences, or what but it's not good and i just can't see where this is comming from so i don't know how to change it. i have felt this way before when my sister in law had her first and when another close friend had her first. so,y'all what is my problem? or has anyone ever felt this way? i don't pretend to have all the answers to how to have or raise babies. in fact, she calls me and asks me questions as if i'm an expert and i always just give her my experience and follow up with " that is just my experience, everyone has different experiences". just because i've had 3 kids does not make me an expert. my mil had 7 and she had alot of experience but it didn't make her mother of the year. i'm feeling very judgemental and i don't like it.
I think we, us as Al Anons, have experienced some of the darker sides of human nature especially. I know for me one of the hardest things I am learning to do, and I am no where near even adequate at it is 1) accepting love from people as genuine, honest and caring; 2) being honest with people and not putting on some show because that's what I think they want, that it's better than who I really am; 3) being honest with myself about what I need and what I want, and setting boundries accordingly (am I Hungry/Angry/Lonley/Tired?). I think, at least what I'm hearing you say, is that in your experience, your friend is immature and you're not confident in her abilities to rise to the occasion. However, other people have shown you that they are confident in your abilities to be pragmatic, knowlegeable, insightful, intelligent, et cetera; so on the one hand you resent the fact that she doesn't absorb the life changing reality that she just had a baby, a life that will follow her around for the rest of her life, but it sounds like to some degree or another, you resent that she hasn't turned to you for insight into how to make the transition from "Before I could do whatever I wanted; now I have to stop and worry about this little person."
Let her go for right now, that's what I would do. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. I think you've gotten comfortable in your role as to being called upon to advise and you're uncomfortable that, at least right now she's not doing that. But you did call it right, the hospital and the house are two different places. And if she runs into trouble, she can call you .So...easy does it. Live and let live.
I have done the same thing. Why doesn't everyone get it? I breastfeed all my kids. I think it is soooo great. My sister bottlefed 5 kids. She thought I was insane for doing that and that there was absolutely no difference. I think it comes from our own self esteem issues when we obsess. We lose sight of ourselves. Maybe call it immaturity on our part. If we are in a recovery program and keep to Alanon principles, this too shall pass. We are only human!
I am confused. How does your friend's decision to breast feed or not impact you? My sister is a long time al-anon member and the president of her local la leche league. I had my first baby at 41. I breast fed only until 6 weeks when I realized that i just was not making enough milk. I had to substitute with formula. My sister acted like I was feeding the child poison. I am a healthy adult and my mother never breast fed me.
I think the main challenge is keeping the focus on ourselves. When you obsess about another's behavior that you cannot control you are wasting your energy. The only person you can control is yourself. So what can you do to make the situation better? Let go and let god guide her to her decision about her baby. Keep the focus on you.
I've had an issue with a number of my friends which I think stems from my codependence. I have severe issues with boundaries and setting limits as well as giving. I tend to be over involved and over committed. I don't much know how to have boundaries, focus on me and take care of me. I know how to focus on others. I can feel devastated when left out.
I have become mindful of this and set a lot more limits. I have also decided that my relationships have to be more reciprocal. If they aren't reciprocal (obviously with the exception of the A who I am completely enmeshed with) I end them. I did not used to end relationships when they had problems now I do. I know my limitations these days. I have to deasl with the A that is enough I do not have time for or energy for much more complication than that. I tolerated really enmeshed difficult friendships before now I don't.
