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Well the birthday has come and gone... nobody died. LOL
We have daily contact since she picks up our 11 yr old from school every day. We hook up so I can take him home after work. For a few weeks it was some good and some bad meetings. Now it has gotten where she is never glad to see me, and cries every time we leave.
It will never cease to amaze me how a perfectly intelligent person can get to a state where they are so paralyzed that the choice between being with their family which they obviously love and miss, seems unobtainable because the only way to do it is to get help for the drinking problem.
She asked last night how "we are going to work on our relationship issue if we are apart all the time". Well, she knows what my feelings are on this, she just needed me to say it again I guess. I don't think it is productive to work on mending a relationship until she finishes working on the drinking. One step at a time.
It's like painting a house before you replace the rotten trim boards. It is just a waste of energy.
She said on her birthday that "I moved here so you could get better". So she is waiting for me to get my sanity back then just be strong enough to let her come back and drink the rest of herself away. Is that real or disease? I may never know, but the tought of it makes me sad. I am not going to dwell on it, just reflecting on it so I can let it go.
Coming in contact with her for an hour or so a day, makes it painfully obvious how lopsided her world is, how lopsided mine was, and what it feels like to not have to debate reality 24/7. But I miss her, and I continue to pray that she and her HP will strike a deal and get her some help. Life doesn't stop happening because she is in crisis. My pool with the new green tint to it is good proof of that. LOL
I am going to have to get some rest. I had to work all night last night and I am bushed.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What a lot of wise words in your post and clarity. I seldom have clarity around the A. Much of that is because I am often on overwhelm and over tired. I have been working burning the candle at both ends recently and got totally fried. I think I have felt totally fried around him for years. There is no possible explanation for much of his crazy behavior.
It is amazing how distance apart can open your eyes to what was happening, like you said, how lopsided both your worlds were. That is so true. We are always trying to rescue someone and need rescue ourselves, and no one is able to take care of anyone in the A and spouse relationships.
I'm sorry for how painful this is, but you are doing the most loving thing in letting her deal with her disease with her HP and herself. It is such a hard thing, but you are trudging through it, doing the right thing, posting here, and stating how you really do love her, but cannot live with the chaos....
I pray for you and your family everyday, get some rest and relaxation.... (((RTexas))))
Heard in an AA lead last night: "I was so convinced that what would cure my misery would be the white picket fence and June cleaver motif. So I deliberately set out to set that up. And when I got the white picket fence and June cleaver motif, I was so miserable I forgot to be happy because this was what I wanted."
Have you gone to any of the speaker meetings, RTX? You might benefit from some of the wisdom that the speakers share, or if all else fails, see first hand a person who's living the recovery offered by AA. You're wife's gettin there just fine. In fact, her life is hittin the button on the DVD player thats the combo of Fast Forward/Skip to Chapter. She's gettin there and then some!
Of course no one died after the birthday. She figures though that if she causes enough hell to be raised either she'll get sedated or you'll get embarrassed enough to say "I quit! I give up! Whatever you want! Please! Just stop!" So, no surprise she wants you to get your thinking together: why should she be accountable for her dung heap? People who make their own messes are the first to blame, the last to adimit responsibility, and always late to actually take steps to amend the situation. Example: big name hospitals like Duke, Clevland Clinic, Mayo, et cetera have found a revoluntionary way to cut their malpractice insurance--be forthright with their patients about the screwup, and take financial responsibility for the fall out. Secondary infection from a sloppy surgeon? Fire the SOB! The antibiotics, the hospital stay, all of it is on us. Sugar crash from an inattentive nurse? Suspend the idiot, and the rehab is on site, on us. Obviously, this has sent the lawyers running: taking responsibility, in all areas of a mistake, involves admitting that one is human; one is, at some level, vulnerable; and, even when we have the best of intentions, we will crash and burn. Now, if a huge endowment hospital like Duke can get it's ducks in a row and realize what the power of an amend is worth, what about your wife?
This brings us to the "old thinking," what kept the lawyers busy : any time there is anything incapacitating the ability to be accountable, it becomes the scapegoat--it is instantly a convenient way to say "I was unable to be fully accountable, capable, and honest." This is horse hockey.There is a reason, my lovely RTX, why the FBI, the Federal District Courts and your local court system mentally evaluate a defandant on trial for a crime: they're asking if the person get's this concept! Does this person understand that their actions have far reaching, far leaving affects on people? So long as your beloved wife continues to drink, she will use this as an excuse; this is not a reason (not to be rude, but there is a reason the United States Supreme Court said that excuting the mentally retarded was unconstitutional; do you see the difference between the two now?).
About your pool, BTW: How can I come visit you to swim in it, if it's full of algae?
: any time there is anything incapacitating the ability to be accountable, it becomes the scapegoat--it is instantly a convenient way to say "I was unable to be fully accountable, capable, and honest." This is horse hockey. There is a reason, my lovely RTX, why the FBI, the Federal District Courts and your local court system mentally evaluate a defandant on trial for a crime: they're asking if the person get's this concept! Does this person understand that their actions have far reaching, far leaving affects on people? So long as your beloved wife continues to drink, she will use this as an excuse; this is not a reason (not to be rude, but there is a reason the United States Supreme Court said that excuting the mentally retarded was unconstitutional; do you see the difference between the two now?).