The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The topic of therapy comes up frequently - here as well as f2f meetings. Without discussing details, I've been there done that.
One reason I am not doing it now is because I don't have a therapy goal. I think it's important to have one. Unlike the program, therapy is for a very limited time - 50 minutes a week, if that - and it costs $$. If I were to ever re-enter therapy, it would be with some goal other than spending the rest of my life in therapy!
I did enter therapy when my wife dumped me. My goal, or so I thought, was to fix myself ASAP so I could get a new relationship going. But the even more immediate goal was to have someone sympathetic to talk to. My AA friends were more than happy to kick my ass, but at that point, I didn't think I could take one more kick.
My therapy goal though was really... survival.
When I realized I had survived, and changed, and grasped some new things - some with the help of the therapy, some without - I felt it was time to move on. I felt the therapist was pressuring me in certain directions, that felt just judgemental enough that I thought the process had run its course. I didn't have a resentment about this - I had given this person a lot of intimate details of my innermost self, and in doing so I had to expect a few things to be misinterpreted. It was valuable, but I ended it when it was time and I've had no regrets.
If I were to re-enter therapy, it would be with a goal in mind - stated up front - and with some boundaries (yes, you need them even with a therapist...... especially with a therapist) and with the understanding that I was not embarking on a plan of lifetime therapy.
I think many of us lean, and lean hard on professionals. They can be a lifesaver when there is no one else, someone you can trust to not get involved, just a soft voice to echo your own. But as a lifestyle, it can be pretty limiting. I think we grow, change - we cast off our parents, and sometimes our A spouses... and eventually, if we grow enough, the therapists.
What a mature way to put it. I've had a number of therapists some helped, some didn't. I can look back on that as inevitable now. I harboored tremendous resentment before because I so badly needed help. Now I see it as a tool rather than a lifetime event. Nevertheless I need therapy I think at the moment and I try to go out of my way to get it.
I have been in therapy, always for short term, the most I have ever gone is 3 months. I too stopped going when I stopped learning anything. I have good instincts, I knew when it was "time" to handle things on my own. I don't regret going, it gave me useful insights at the time, when I was young and did not have enough life experience to handle stuff well on my own.
Later, I was really depressed and at the end of my rope with m y alcoholic. I confided in my family doctor. He suggested therapy. I told him about a bad experience I had with an idiot therapist, she was the biggest jerk I had ever seen. I was taking my daughter to her for school stress caused by ADHD. She had a "skipped appointment" policy, that if you are a no show twice that you are "banned" from therapy for a month. What a "caring person"...barring a CHILD from therapy and support because I had a flat tire...then another time there was an accident that blocked the road. I called from a payphone everytime...but...by the time I called she was a "no show". Yes, some are idiots, in fact a LOT are.
My doctor agreed, he said they are like plumbers...but a lot more dangerous since they are dealing with people. Some of them do a good job, and others sort of leave leaks in your pipes so you need to keep calling them back...and you become their money tree. Some therapists want to keep you "sick" and convince you you will always be "sick" and need them so they have a steady source of cash.
He told me about his FRIEND, a trusted therapist. Very experience and caring...PhD level. My doctor told me to NEVER EVER go to anyone without a PhD. He says that for someone to get a PhD means they have dedicated their LIFE to helping people, it is not just a "cinchy comfy job" to them.
He was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO right! I LOVE this guy. He is all about short term. He has me down as "as needed". Whenever I need to talk to him he is there...talks to me...ASKS me if I need to come back...tells me I know what to do and am doing GREAT.
These types are hard to find.
He looks like Abraham Lincoln, LOL, well respected husband and family man. I like him a lot. And he is supercool, had a side business designing peaceful Japanese gardens just because he LIKES it (no he isn't japanese, LOL).
Anyway, he told me that therapy CAN be important to some people, becuase you can confide in someone CONFIDENTIALLY, and get some good insights to help yourself when you are too close to the problem and not worry about gossip getting around if you need to vent. He said that is all a therapist is...LOL...a paid wise friend to help you find the strengh in yourself.
I don't know what I will do when he retires...sigh. I end up seeing him about once every two years or so for a couple of visits...just for good advice about how to deal with my alcholic. He always makes room for me...he really is like a trusted friend.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts...they are really helpful.
I admire you for taking care of YOU and knowing when it was time to quit. You are strong...healthy...well...and going in the right direction. Thanks for sharing how bright things are on the other side of this terrible disease of alcholism.
I've been there - done that, too. I view "talk" therapy the same way I view Physical Therapy.
Many times a person goes into Physcial Therapy to fix a joint, nerve or muscular problem - to help avoid surgery.
A person (who is not mentally ill) goes in for counseling when they have a need: someone to talk to who is objective, someone who can help provide some coping skills, someone who can provide validation, someone who can help lead the way through the grieving process.
Sometimes a person can get the same benefit from talking with friends or a person from their faith. They have a support group they can turn to.
Personally:
I used a therapist briefly when my father died, and again when I was trying to save my marriage to an abusive husband. I also saw a therapist for a short time when I was trying to learn coping skills with my daughter.
I haven't seen a counselor for a long time - and don't feel I need one right now, but I'm glad to know that they're there should I need them.
thank you. i have done alot of therapy over the years. and with everything going on recently people around me have expected me to go back to seeing a therpist. i'm just not interested in it right now. i feel like i am dealing with life and that i don't need a therapist to help. i am using lots of techinques that i learned in sessions and that is carrying me thru. it was just nice to hear from a voice that has done it and is not against it but that also knows that therapy does not have to be a life long thing. you put words to my thoughts. thank you
I have been in therapy, always for short term, the most I have ever gone is 3 months. I too stopped going when I stopped learning anything. I have good instincts, I knew when it was "time" to handle things on my own.
I don't think I even got to a trust point with my therapist until I had been going for 6 months LOL!
I was in a group for a while. That was interesting as well. Group therapy isn't very much like a 12-step group. I found it valuable but when it was time to leave, there was no doubt. I had to "run the gauntlet" with the group, which I had already seen when other people before me had quit the group. This sort of peer pressure, confrontational thing where the other people in the group... and the therapist... challenge your reasons for quitting, etc. Essentially, they were almost unanimous in saying I was "running away from my problems", or "quitting just when I was beginning to delve into important issues". LOL. I told them that running from my problems was not one of my core issues, but beating a dead horse was. In the end, they mostly agreed with me! Not that I needed their permission to quit, but at least I felt I wasn't leaving some unfinished business on the table.
I've had no regrets leaving that group, or leaving private therapy.
I like therapists. My sober A daughter is one I have learned a lot from her (by example) how to become a better listener.
i'm married and my husband and i go to therapy every other week. we started going about 4 months ago, when we were struggling with how to "deal with" our alcoholic daughter who was using and living at home at that time. we got A LOT from it, and were so thankful for all the work we had done before our daughter hit her bottom in late september. we also go to alanon.
our therapy goal NOW is to spend one hour, every other week, talking about our marriage and personal goals. no mention of a daughter allowed.
I went to a counselor a long time ago when my A was active and I figured I needed counseling to help me deal with it. Funny thing is she never suggested Al-Anon. Another counselor told me that professionals (doctors,etc.) were starting to consider that alcoholism is not a disease but a choice. They made me feel worse..........jaja
You make some good points about needing time to build trust. I guess I should mention that there were extenuating circumstances to build trust so quickly.
This therapist lives in the same small town as I grew up in, I went to school with his children, who were all nice and well adjusted. Also the personal recommendation from my family doctor, who I loved like a family member, meant a lot too. They were good friends, always giving me messages to give each other, private jokes, LOL. That is life in a small town. Although he is VERY accomplished, had his PhD and still always staying updated, had traveled the world.
Had I gone to a "stranger" I think it would have taken me a LOT longer to build trust.
Thanks for sharing your insightful wisdom Barisax, I always look forward to your posts.
I think another important thing to consider when seeing a counselor/therapist is what is their specialty.....some have more education/experience dealing with certain types of issues. And also I think their own life experiences are important. I know some people say they don't feel that a therapist who has never been married can still be a good marriage counselor, but to me I would prefer one who is married. They have experienced the trivial but annoying things that go on between spouses so they can relate lol. I also prefer one that has children, again, only another parent can know the stresses children can cause on a first hand level.
My A went through several counselors before he found one that fit the many needs he had as well as also being able to help us deal with each other and the children. The first counselor was married, no children and no personal experience with alcohol/drug related issues, the second was single, no children, experience with alcohol/drugs, the third was married, children and experience with alcohol/drugs BUT he was also the type of person to "push" on us how he felt a marriage should be (i.e. I stay home with our children he was pushing us to put them into a daycare setting because "it has worked wonders for me and my wife" He seemed to forget they had no choice...they both work! lol) The current counselor has his PHD, all the same life experiences and does not push his opinions but rather helps us to figure out what we want and what will work for our family....so he is more of a guide....and to me that is what a therapist is for. Not to tell you what to do or make your decisions for you, but to guide you in making a healthy choice for yourself.
I have learned a lot from her (by example) how to become a better listener.