The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first joined this forum, I made a post about this being more "in the trenches" than the f2f meetings I normally attend. More newcomers, more people in the thick of things, and posting a blow-by-blow like an embedded reporter.
I have been in these rooms long enough to have seen and heard much of what the disease can do. Yet I continue to be appalled by the things people who supposedly love each other say and do to each other, or will tolerate in the name of love. "He's such a loving wonderful person when he's not drunk". So, what are the odds? Is it a relationship or a poker game?
I realize that the uncertainty is part of the "fun". The same thing that makes gambling addictive can also make us addicted to our alcoholic relationship.
Or does it just make us feel important?
My non-A wife dumped me in part because once I got sober, she was no longer the center of my universe. She claimed that she hated being on a pedestal, but she protesteth too much. I got better; I didn't need her so much but still wanted her. She found someone else with a chip on his shoulder that she could nurture, and I guess it has worked out for both of them.
The irony is, being sober - being serene - being healthy - getting better - can be a very lonely road. I think many of us think it will lead to "normalcy", but the road is so empty, it feels like we're going the wrong way. We aren't. I have to put one foot in front of the other every day and make the choice to keep walking that path - whether I meet someone else to walk with me today, or see nothing but dirt extending to the horizon. Sometimes two or more people can walk together for a while, and share our experience strength and hope. We have each other in our recovery program, but our paths only intersect, occasionally merging and then diverging.
Being in recovery is being who we really are. Which as we each discover in our own way, is far from the mainstream and the hubbub. In finding our normalcy, we become atypical.
I find it amusing that you refer to gambling. My 12 year old daughter and I just had this talk yesterday about how similar this is to gambling. I know whenever I go to the casino I usually walk out with less than when I came in and I think this principle can be applied to our interactions with A's too. The only way I can stop myself from continuing to waste time, money, etc. is to get up and walk away from the table.....
Well I can't speak for everyone but I can speak for me. I learned to love and be around some pretty despicable people. My mother and father were both addicts of sorts, totally out of control and crazy. That is who I was imprinted to learn to be around. I did not have the experience of being cared for, known or loved in a remotely healthy way. When I met the A he hid his addiction really carefully, in fact he was (and still is) always going on about a girfriend he had who was an addict. Admittedly I have my own issues with getting involved far too quiclky.
Nevertheless it was not until I was years into the relationship that I became aware that he had issues and serious ones. I had signs but of course I could not read signs. Now I can read them.
I don't know about "tolerating abuse" but I know in order to live as a child I had to live with being hit, neglected, blamed and more. Therefore I don't know that I ever had too much experience of being in "any" relationship where it was truthful. I have to say that still to this day I have a lot of trouble managing any relationship because trust isn't there.
I'm sorry your wife didn't choose recovery too. For whatever reason she could not face it. I know that facing recovery can be very lonely. For me once I leave the A that may be "it" for me. I don't know that I can go through leaving again. I think it is too hard to put so much effort in a relationship and come out with nothing. I know I come out of this with knowledge about me. I know I also come out of it with a program but as far as he is concerned, everything I've given he has destroyed. I know I am not responsible for that but nevertheless it will probably always hurt to make an effort only to have it totally destroyed by him.
I think I actually prefer the knowledge of sometimes recovery will be very very difficult. I know the road ahead for me in leaving the A in time (and it is inevitable) will be hard. Styiang with him is harder of course. I also know that I maybe alone for the rest of my life and i am prepared to live with that. I think personally fantasy was a huge part of my relaitonship with him, the fantasy of him getting better, the fantasy of a life that was better. There really have been very very very few good times with him, most of the time I am re-living something about my childhood which can be useful but it also has been pretty annihilating at times.
I think many of us want to believe the happy ever after stuff. Some people do get sober, some do re-commit to their relationships. Some don't but what I have to contend with is that I have very very l ittle control over that. The only person I have control over is me. I choose to love differently these days it is not the naive fantasy based love I once had its a practical love and i"m on the list too these days rather than not anywhere near it.
I think many of us want to believe the happy ever after stuff. Some people do get sober, some do re-commit to their relationships. Some don't but what I have to contend with is that I have very very l ittle control over that. The only person I have control over is me. I choose to love differently these days it is not the naive fantasy based love I once had its a practical love and i"m on the list too these days rather than not anywhere near it.
My dad's brief fling with sobriety ended when he realized he wasn't going to just get everything back the way it was. While that was what I wished for at the time, it's one of those lessons I remembered. I thought that by getting sober before my marriage had been destroyed, before there were any threats of her leaving, before I had lost everything, that I had cheated fate somehow.
For some reason, the tougher things got for me in sobriety, the more important the sobriety itself was. I don't know if this is because of my sponsor saying, repeatedly, There's nothing in your life so bad that drinking won't make it worse, or a combination of things. I guess I knew that drinking wouldn't bring her back, but at the same time it was obvious that staying sober wouldn't bring her back either. I can say that I knew intellectually that my sobriety was not dependent on any outside circumstance, but there are many things I know intellectually and yet continue to make the wrong choices. Hence I come back to the notion of sobriety being a gift, not something I earned or deserve. And while I know I could choose to throw the gift away, I am not afraid that it will be arbitrarily taken away from me. I've been through too much - too many tests. Either I've tested God, or He has tested me - don't know which. But through the crap, I've stayed sober.
The idea of "practical love", and some of the middle age re-entry relationships I know of, seems to be a bit pointless. Or with no more value than a business relationship. I don't need, or particularly want anyone to share expenses with, or take care of me, or me take care of her. What I desire is companionship, and if in the process there is a sharing of those things, that goes with it. But engaging in a relationship strictly for the tangibles (including sex) is not worth the price of admission. It feels sad sometimes, as I question whether my status is a result of not being able to afford the price of admission, my refusal to pay it, or simply a choice to put my energy and focus elsewhere.
In the years I was married, I was in sort of a blissfully ignorant state believing I was special, I was loved for who I was. But I was not much of a human being. I was a lousy husband, lousy father, lousy worker, and in general not accomplishing anything with my life or growing as a person. Even sober, I don't think any growth ocurred in any of these areas until I was divorced. And had I stayed in that relationship, I suspect my spiritual growth would be stunted to this day. I think very few people can do it all - my hat is off to them... not those who think they are, but those who really are. I'm not one of them. I can do anything I want in life, but not everything I want. I chose self growth over that relationship the day I walked into AA. Had I known, at that moment I might not have done it... but in hindsight, I wouldn't have it any other way.
