The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have started on Step Two in my stepwork, and have realized that it is such a big deal....
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"...
This whole year has been one giant glob of insanity, insanity from the alcoholic in my life, insanity from my reaction to him. I realized earlier this week that my thoughts are still insane, (he's been sober 17 days), I keep thinking, when is the other shoe going to drop? I am expecting him to drink. He has been to a few meetings, I don't think he goes to enough (there's that control thing again). I don't say anything, but desperately want to give him program, because I know how it worked for me. Worried about his depression that is evident now. I am still revolving around him.
I have to come to believe that surrendering all of this to HP will be a good thing. I have to believe that HP will take care of all of us, he has taken us this far. There is a reason this year has been filled with grief and anger and hurting, I am far stronger than before. I no longer feel like my world will end without him. I would be okay without him, though it pains my heart still to think of that. He is looking at a year in jail from this DUI, losing his license, hopefully getting work release.
I don't know what to do, to stay or go, my feelings are all a muddle. It is my 40th year of life and it has been a doozy of a year. Don't know what to do now that things have calmed down - except to surrender. I have to TRUST HP in my gut that there is a plan for me and for AH. Do I trust HP enough? I have to say out loud to him, every day, I TRUST you to take this - I cannot control a thing in my life. I TRUST that you have everyone's best interests in your loving plan, and everyone is where they need to be at this time.
Hoping for healing and praying for everyone that suffers from this horrible family disease....
Heidi...good for you starting step 2. I was thinking maybe getting one of those workbooks too. I am having my first one on one meeting with my sponser on Saturday morning so I will wait and see what she suggests.
It's funny...but sometimes I think about my A son being in recovery and how that might be harder than him not in recovery. I mean I think I would start all over again with worrying about him relapsing. Maybe I wouldn't but it has been on my mind. I guess I shouldn't count my chickens...huh?
I can also relate to you asking yourself if you trust HP enough. Sometimes I have to ask my HP to help me to believe that he is there and that he does have a plan and that he will take whatever I give to him. I am always praying for more faith than what I have. It all takes time, I guess.
Heidi...keep on keeping on...it sounds like to me you have come a long way.
I had to smile a bit remembering something that dawned on me one day about control and surrendering.
We go through such pains surrendering that control. We think we know what is best, and so we tried to control everything when it came to our A's drinking. Control by words and actions. The control, or the attempt to, is what makes us crazy, frustrated, raging Alanuts.
Here's what FINALLY dawned on me. By giving up control and surrending is totally a mental step for us.
Here's the epiphony"" I NEVER had control and I really didn't need to surrender it to HP because he always had it!! I didn't have it to give up!!
What did happen is the realization that I had to quit trying to control only for my mental health. I had to recognize that it was totally driving me ape sh*t to keep banging my head against the wall. It even made it seem more insane that I ever thought I could possibly get control away from HP..
What I needed to surrender was the fact that I was playing HP, what a joke!!. I sucked at it too..lol But I sure tried for over 20 yrs. sheesh!! From then on it felt pretty lame to even try.
So for me, step #2 was that HP helped me on my way to sanity (I'll never claim complete sanity..lol) by allowing me to understand and face that I needed to surrender to myself.
Dunno if it makes a lick of sense to anyone but me but I threw it out there anyway.
Good Luck Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 13:39, 2006-11-15
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am glad for you you are getting there. I have been trying to control the A for years in order to try to control my life. Right now I just try to walk through what comes up and I try to take care of me too!
It is amazing really--I always believed in a HP. I grew up in church and never doubted that HP whom I choose to call God, existed. I knew He was out there taking care of everything. Only in the program did I figure out that deep down inside--I felt that everyone had the "right" for HP to make their lives better, but me. I felt like I was the stepping stool used to/by others to help them through their tough times/struggles, but that I was alone to work through mine. Why did I think I was so great that HP had to use only me to help others solve their problems, bigger still why was I so small that I didn't matter--my life was worth anything.
I have found out that I matter. HP wants to help me too--if I let him he will!
