I just can't seem to keep the focus on me as often as I want and know I should. I thought I'd been doing fairly well but yesterday I fell into a major slump. Everything that's been going on in the last couple of months just seemed to fall on me....my A and I fighting, his moving into a motel room, my kids being gone, my daughter's problems, my youg son's coming fatherhood. I sensed it was bound to happen but something tripped it off. My own fault for letting my mind go to places it shouldn't. I am aware now that my A calls an old girlfriend of his which bothers me (he doesn't know I know). Nice girl but it bothers me because I think she gets treated better than me (she doesn't have to live with him) and because I just don't think it's a good idea as I get the feeling my A wouldn't mind hooking up with her again. Maybe it's my own insecurity but I wasn't secure about alot of things, emotionally or financially, when he drank. He didn't hide anything about it (calling her and visiting) before as he apparently figured there was no reason to and that may be true. I just didn't appreciate that he, being such a good guy (yeah), decided to share a wholesale card with her, let her know she could call him for whatever, call her now and then to say hi or stop by to see how she & family are. They're nice but not MY friends. When I told him that I too wanted to be that close to an old guy friend of mine, my A did not like it one bit! So his way of dealing with this was to just not let me know that he would continue.I just don't know if my insecurities are getting to me. I don't know if I should not be so jealous. And then, I am hypocritical because I do have an old friend that I call once in a blue moon but he is NOT an old boyfriend. He and his ex-wife were my old college friends and we've always stayed in touch if only during Christmas. And he ends our few phone conversations with " I love you" but he means as a dear old friend. It's the kind of thing where we could not speak for over a year yet pick up right where we left off. My A knows of him, met him once, and knows I've spoken to him now and then. But in my mind I know, he's just my friend. But it's also in my mind that my A may want to be more than just friends with his ex-girlfriend given the way he decided to hide that he continues to call her. Maybe he doesn't. He always been Mr. Good Guy especially after he knew he made a fool of himself drunk. And since he's been sober for a while now which his old friend and family can't believe, maybe he wants her to see what he's like sober since he never was when they were together 28 years ago. I found that he calls her a lot though doesn't stay on the phone long at all ( it's on the cell phone bill). Still....That is one of the things that just led me into being down in the dumps yesterday. I went to work and he stopped by to see me but I was in a bad mood so he left. And I left work after 2 hours because there was a lump in my throat and I was on the verge of tears, not just for one thing in particular but for everything in general. So I came home and plopped down on the couch, feeling so depressed. My mom came by to visit with and comfort me which I needed and so appreciated. She left and my A walked in. He noticed my car gone from work so he came over to see if I was alright. I was not feeling very good towards him and after small talk about his jobs, I asked if he still had work at "her" house. He said no he'd been done there for a while and when I asked if they were firends he said, 'yeah. why?' but he was defensive. He doesn't know I know he calls her. He left right after that saying he just came to see if I was alright. And after he left, I just cried and cried. I felt so unhappy. And I guess I've been kidding myself about being able to handle stuff. Can't seem to take my own advice. Well, after a while I thought about what I wanted to do. First, my kids and grandkids are my priorities. I love them unconditionally and they will be part of my life forever. Then I really wanted to know how to think about my A and I. Yes, we need our space and intend to have for a while. But I think of where I just read here (I think it was here) about why buy the cow when you can just have the milk (something like that). That's what it was starting to feel like with my A. So tonight I called him and after a while I asked him where do we go from here. Not that we should be together here at home again right now but if the purpose of separating is for each of to work on ourselves in Al-Anon and AA and consider the possibility of fixing this marriage. (We just had this conversation so why I was dumb enough to bring it up again says something about me) WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR???? I know better. He said he's surviving, he's okay, he's doing fine, don't worry about what goes on in his head, and "don't push me into a corner". I wanted to come right out and say I know you call her which would've pissed him off even more so I said nothing. He said you still carry anger, that's why you get depressed. ( I wanted to say 'yeah but you call her!). He was mad. But it's like the things that he and I both are learning in program just don't come into play when we deal with each other. I can't shake all the lying he did when he was drunk, all the other stuff, and how to trust him when to him it's okay to lie if something may cause trouble. I think all A's are professional liars - it comes with the territory. And just when I think I'm learning how to rise above it and to forgive, I come plunging down. It's like I can't forgive and forget. Not with him. And being here in the house alone now, sometimes my thoughts close in on me and the memories of awful drunken times, horribly stressfull times, just come rushing into my brain. A small thing can loom large. And instead of just leaving it all alone tonight, I got on the damned phone and called him. I think the worst. Suppose he wants to see if he can get anywhere with 'her' first before he decides to work it out with me (he does call her and has no idea I know. I can't get that out of my mind). All my old behavior just took me over these last 24 hrs. What kind of fool am I? Everytime I said something, he'd say "Go ahead. Pull another one out of the hat". " This is nonsense". I finally just said, I won't worry about you and you needn't worry about me. I could kick myself! I keep reading passages from Courage to Change and when times are calm, those words are so enlightening and encouraging, but when I am having a hard time, they are hard to hang onto. I think about my life as an adult child, as the ex-wife of an A, present wife of an A, sister, cousin, grandaughter,niece,friend of A's and how much I have learned about it all over the years. But at this moment, I want to die. I know I will pull myself together, dust myself off but I feel so unhappy and can't stop crying. I lost my grip but I hope tomorrow will be better.....jaja