The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm learning. New to Alanon. Attended 6 f2f meetings in 4 days. Then told my son that I would no longer send $, only continue to pay for school, apt, utilities. We got into it, he raved, I raved back. I know he is doing better (than before), but still not willing to work, and wasting $ that I send, manipulating whomever for $ for partying. I feel better about not worrying and micromanaging (Call me every day to tell me you are awake and going to class!). I feel bad that I am now not talking with him (been since last Friday, 4 days). I like the idea of peace, and supporting our A, and loving detachment. I dont have that. I react.
The concept of Action/ReAction was so foregin to me when I first came into al anon, into recovery in general. After all, wasn't it a law of physics that for every "action" there would be a "re-action?" This was a theory certainly proved out well in my household! There was no decision, no words, no choices, no actions that did not reverberate around the walls and within our souls. Because we were so hateful toward ourselves, we couldn't see eachother with eyes of anything more. So, for my family in my home of orgin, every action was a ReAction.
As time has gone by, detachment has set in. Your desire to stop ReActing is admirable, but prospective is also necessary: in the words of my sponsor, in the program 35 years, "When I found out I might have a canceous breast lump, my first action was to Re Act!" Which is to say, as we gain more prospective into ourselves, into our dysfunction, into our home lives, into whatever it is that we are living with, we find simple ways to slow down; to change behaviors; to try something different ; to think a different way, from a different prospective. Indeed, using my sponsor's example, what we're really called to do here is push a mental "pause" button in situations that are emotionally charged, that usually create for us torrents of emotion, that we find ourselves fighting; in my sponsor's case, her first ReAction when she heard she had cancer was "Oh Dear God! I'm gonna die! And no one's gonna care!" All my sponsor had heard was that she had a tumor; not that she was terminal; not that she would need treatment; not that she would need anything beyond the mammogram. But because of what she first heard, she went with her first reaction. This is what we are challenging ourselves with when we say Action/ReAction. "How do I, in a situation where I am emotionally charged, emotionally reactive, ready to be defensive, fearful and argumentative, stop, and try something different? "
Obviously this takes time, and can't be done alone. Hopefully over your meetings you've heard the term sponsorship--someone who can take you through the steps toward better getting to know yourself; someone who is safe emotionally and can give you permission to explore your feelings, your boundries, your needs and your limits; someone who can help you realize where you're at with yourself in your growth. Additionally, you'll hear the term "slips," which is to say "I slipped into old thinking and behavior again." Again, a sponsor is so important here--self forgiveness I believe is an aquired tool, one that is used over time. I'm not good at it, I don't know of any one that is, but I do know of people who are getting better with it. And I do know that any one with any measure of success with it has and uses a sponsor.
Just keep on hitting those meetings. Little by little is will begin to get easier. Sounds as though you are trying to stand up for yourself some and realizing where you have enabled him in the past. Hope you get a sponsor and get into working the steps. They really are life changing. It teaches me how to behave in situation such as this, and how to not react anymore.
Am I correct in assuming that your son is a college student? I can tell you that college is a terrible place for an A to be. Drinking is rampant and even those who make it through the years without being A place themselves in jeopardy. Sooo, from my experience and past mistakes with my son back in the 80's when he was in college and beginning to show signs of having problems with alcohol, I can say what I SHOULD have done back then. I should have cut the tuition help. Probably had I done that he would have had to remove himself from the environment or fend for himself with a job if he wanted to continue. Of course I didn't understand that then. I have only recently come to understand how over the past 20 years I have enabled him in small and big ways to continue on the path. Continue with your meetings and learn from it. You will have many setbacks and you will react many times....probably none of your reactions will help the situation. All the mothers of A's who post on here will have many stories to share with you and these stories will both help and depress you. But you are in one of the hardest positions to be in. Spouses of A's more often than not finally divorce the A and find a better life without the trama/drama. Parents of A's can only try to detach. You cannot divorce him. I suppose many parents end up estranged from the son/daughter. But that isn't possible for me and I doubt for most. You are in my prayers. Take a deep breath and keep learning. I can't tell you it has been easier for me laterly, but I have to try to take care of myself these days. My son is taking care of himself...some days are good and some aren't.
The first term I paid for my daughter's college - she drank and used drugs and ended up withdrawing and failing every class she took. She showed no signs of changing.
I withdrew all financial help from her - and told her that she had to get a job and pay her own way through college.
She went out on a tangent - leaving school, moving out, getting involved with some really dangerous people and situations for a while. We fought like cats and dogs, too...until I found this program and learned to detach.
I still don't know, to this day, what caused her to hit bottom, but she did - and she turned her own life around. She's been able to hold down two part-time jobs while going to college full-time. She also applied for student loans. She's become really responsible.
My A daughter left her college this past year, with 19 hours to finish up her degree. She knew she could not have survived one more semester - the alcohol/drug use was too much. She tried to quit drinking there, and it was just too hard.
I agree, college is not a safe place for a young alcoholic. Cutting off financial help for your son might be the best thing you can for his health and safety?
Thank you to all who replied. Yes, my son is in college, freshman, barely there. He is also 21, so you can see how long I have "held him up". Dealing with drug addiction since age 14. Child of active A father. My wonderful boyfriend and I wanted very much to 'help' my son stay clean with college that he wanted so much. Today is last day of class for this semester. He has mostly loans. He just really took up drinking at school when he has been trying to break away from oxycontin (but no AA, NA, not for him, still denial). I may be this semester that I stop paying for everything, or may be next, it is near. It will need to be when I am really ready, I guess. I feel quite quesy right now. Going to a meeting. Thank you all so very very much.
I too have a son who has struggled with addiction. As parents, this has been one of the most difficult things my husband and I have had to deal with. But God has been faithful, seeing us through some pretty hard things. Our son is 20, tried college, but couldn't stay clean, had no money, etc. He had been in a traditional rehab, but that didn't have the impact on him like the Teen Challenge program he went to......being involved with TC really changed his life, along with us telling him he needed to move out after he returned home. He is learning to manage his money and knows he can't come to us to bail him out. Overall he is doing well and God has changed his life.....he's still growing up, but we know he desires to remain clean. He has changed most of his friends and besides work, he has involved himself in Church. Things are not perfect, but we see hope and have been able to slowly begin to heal the hurts. Of course we greive the couple of years lost to this disease, and what "could have been", but at the same time we are so thankful and filled with much hope. Tough love is really tough to implement, but so necessary. And we've found letting go is so crucial as well. I know our faith has seen us through.....I will be praying for you and your son.
