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I have never been good at cutting to the chase with her and saying what I mean. You know, say what you mean and don't say it mean. So now that I am trying to do that... she doesn't believe me. Guess that is a tough pill to swallow.
I have been very direct, but not ugly and yet... she is hysterical tonight because I am not going to move her home for her birthday and forget this whole horrible thing. She made it very clear that she will stop drinking for me, because that's what she needs to do to stay home.
Now, a year ago I would count that as a win... whatever it takes. But I am not trying to prove a point to her. I love her, and I want to spend the rest of our lives together raising our kids and planning for matching rockers and who is going to help who cut up their food when we get old. But not if she doesn't want to be sober... for her, not me. Because her quality of life will go up if she is sober enough to appreciate it. Because when she says things I want to believe it is her thoughts, and not the result of too much or "just enough" bud lite.
So now she doesn't want any thing to do with me she says. Doesn't want to go out with the family tomorrow for her birthday.
You know Tiger has said something in a few posts lately that I have been thinking alot about. The jist of it is: if you offer someone pity, then they reward you with guilt and shame. That about sums up 90% of our conversations over the past few weeks.
My offers of (what I think is compassion and understanding) is bound to be coming across as pity. Especially over and over for weeks. Why else would she continue down the same old path every conversation?
So when she said she doesn't want anything to do with me any more, I said ok. You can pick up the kids... ok. And when she took a swing at me I blocked it instead of letting her wack me. She ended up clobbering the door instead of my chin this time.
Don't think I have any point to this really, just venting a little frustration. Frustration at the disease, and what it has done to my wife and our family.
I will be fine... and I talked to our son about what had happened. I told him she is really wanting me to say it's ok for her to come home and just stop drinking ...someday. And I just can't live that way anymore. He seemed to understand. I sure hope so.
I'm going to get me some oreo's.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh boy rt , she is sure laying it on . Stick to your boundaries , reality is hitting your wife and it ain't pretty but it's her reality not yours. If she is truly serious about getting sober she will do it from her aptartment , I rarley pay much attention to what people promise i watch what they do. I can support thier efforts but do not have to go on the trip with them.
How many times do we do thesame things over and over again hoping this time it will work out differently and it never does ? That is our insanity . good luck Louise
My estranged A's birthday was last month...a few days after I asked him to go to rehab or move out. He STILL is whining over the lack of enthusiasm I had for his birthday. THe fact that we didn't spend the night together and pretend it was all OK for the day. I had a cake and the kids made cards. Sounds appropriate right? Sorry that the fringe benefits didn't come with the cake, but they come with sobriety.
He is off the wall right now. He moved to an apartment...but the sickest thing is, he only moved the furniture in! He still has most of his things in his truck...including his clothes! I believe he is just waiting for me to say, " I miss you and will accept things as they are.". NOT.
My home is relaxed and comfortable now. Sure I miss him...sober...but that was about 2 waking hours per day. He's been through 30 days inpatient rehab once and says it ruined his life. I just say it ruined his drinking. He relapse after 7 days home. My A is doing all the same things your is and I definitely agree that the more you offer sympathy, the more they turn things around on you. They play on your emotions, if you allow it. I decided last night after 2 days of chaotic conversations, that I cannot converse with my A anymore. At least for now. I will allow the machine to take the call, the voicemail to take the call...but I won't entertain any verbal abuse anymore.
Alcoholism is insanity! And the definition of insanity: repeating the same action over and over again, but expecting different results.
I think your doing well and inspiring others to do well too. Keep up your strength.
I found it so much harder to hold up boundaries with my daughter when her birthday came around.
A friend of mine suggested that I buy her a small gift, then hold on to it and give it to her when she was clean and sober. I had to do the same thing with her Christmas present. I didn't know how many years I would have to continue this.
This year I had the opportunity to give her both of these presents. She told me that she realized I was serious when I held firm with my boundaries.
((((HUGS)))) Hang in there. You're doing great holding up your boundaries.
Amazing. Birthdays were always a hugh deal with my ex. She had this life long resentment about them....seems she NEVER had a good birthday as a child. This information was given to me I suppose in the hopes that I could finally give her the birthday she always wanted. I had roughly..mmmm......13 chances, lol. Not one time did I "do it right".
Until she finally got sober, birthday for her was "self-pity" day. She drank more than usual and a I just couldnt wait for the day to be over.
Didnt matter what I did, and I tried everything!, she made the choice to be unhappy.
I am so glad you are starting to block those punches (literal and figurative). If she has to punch doors enough (and that hurts! and I know that from experience!!!!) perhaps she will give that up!
Hate to hear the disease has taken her so far that she is taking swings at you - even though she didn't physically hit you, it must really hurt emotionally to see her at that level.
Oreos - great comfort food!! Another step toward taking care of you.
Also sending prayers of comfort for you & your son - also want to let you know how much I admire your courage to seek a healthier way of life for yourself & your son. That is truly awesome. I'm sure your HP is right there, walking beside you to give you all the tools you need to make it through.
Thanks so much for sharing your e,s, & h,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think she is continuing down the same path of every conversation because right now it is all just words to her, words she thinks you want to hear so she can get what she wants. Until she is ready to be sober for her it will probably remain this way
Sticking to boundaries can be hard, but it sounds as if you are doing a great job RT
((RTX)) I am just shaking my head in disbelief. I gotta hand it too her, she's good. But I also wanna give you credit for keeping the kids outta this as much as possible. They're doing as well as can be expected, sounds like.
Heard in a lead last night about the 3rd step, AA old timer: "You know, for a long time, you were the bus driver. All you did was make wrong stops, hit pedestrians, get your bus broke down, and mess up. What if you let God drive your bus for awhile and, every so often, ask Him[/Her, y'all *know* I can't stand this standardized religion stuff ], where you're going and if your idea of where you're going is the right one?" Thought it was pretty good and simple. Gentleman has 15 ys of sobriety and degrees in Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology.
You know, I was thinking about the 3rd step in action today, RTX--to me, as we start living it, it's about redefining comfort. And it may be that we need to re define comfort to the point that what is previously really uncomfortable becomes comfortable. I'm reminded of our "Just for Today" book mark: "Jus for Today, I will live through this day only. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for my entire lifetime." And, you know, the funny thing about "redefining comfort" is that, for me, I find myself realizing that things I just couldn't stand, just couldn't live with, live through, get through, God-I-just-don't-know-what-you're-thinking-because-I-just-can't-make-it-through, I was finding out I could make it! I needed to honestly tell you, my family of choice where I was at, what I needed from you, and how/when I needed it. Was it reassurance that the "old tapes" were destructive? I needed to be direct and tell you that I needed reassurance; Was it direction on setting boundries with people who scare me? I needed to be direct and tell you that.
And you're doing that RTX, there's no magic formula for getting through these transitional periods where we grow a thicker skin, get a harder head, grow a spine. But the wonderful thing about the program is that we have the privledge of borrowing eachother's courage if we need to, borrowing eachothers joy if we need to, heck, I remember being told "Sarah, that's something you need to get angry about, " I actually had to borrow someone's anger because I had become so emotionally anesthetized I couldn't safely or honestly express the feeling of "angry." So, take peace, you're right where you're supposed to be. You're in the 3rd step process of "Hey bus driver, are you sure you know what you're doing?" and you're realizing, painfully, Yeah, actually S/He does.
As for your wife, by god's grace, I've got a little over 2.5 ys sobriety. If she wants to celebrate her birthday sober, the folks at AA will do everything but re create the rapture of The Holy One Blessed Be His Name May He Retun To Earth.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It reminds me of my A saying he'd like to keep the house but only if I'd live there with him. I realised then that it did not matter to me if he was drinking or not, it's the growth and change that I was lacking. Continuing to be beside someone who went in circles was driving me crazy. Not only would I need to see a change in his drinking but also in his whole take on life.
It is very hard to continue to look at someone i love and tell them No that is not gonna work for me. But deep inside I know it isn't gonna work for him either ... it hasn't for 12 years already. Being miserable takes alot of work, I am not up to it anymore.
It is so difficult to say what we mean without sounding or saying it mean. My anger was usually what drove me to speak up, now I have to learn how to stand up for myself and my boundaries without sounding authoritarian or angry. My A is also very sensitive and get on the defensive fast. Good for you for recognizing that your AW is still playing the same old blame game and hasn't gotten the hint yet that that type of behavior is not working. Eventually she will realize that all her acts of rage, blame, shame, manipulation, self-deprication has gotten her no closer to her goal or dreams. If she chooses to back out of her birthday so be it.
It stinks to watch someone you love go through this, but you are right. She has to want to stop drinking for herself. She won't enjoy her life if she's doing it for someone else. In my experience my A has always become resentful that "he can't drink" because of me. Now, he has stopped because he's seeing how its ruined his young life and maybe he could have a chance to make it better. Don't know how or why that happened, just did. Whether that ride lasts is up to him. Hang in there, your growth is amazing. Thank you for sharing your recovery with us.
(((Hugs to you)))
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You continue to be such an inspiration to me. When I read that you are doing this for HER not YOU, I just thought, wow, I hope someday she will realize how much you do love her
I am not able yet to set the boundary of no drinking in my home, with my AH. I admire your courage and strength. It is amazing.
Keep up the good work. Sounds like your son will continue to learn much from being with you. That is so important, to teach our kids. It will serve him well in life, I am sure, dealing with his mom, as well as other A's he encounters.
) perhaps she will give that up!
], where you're going and if your idea of where you're going is the right one?" Thought it was pretty good and simple. Gentleman has 15 ys of sobriety and degrees in Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology.