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Well tonight is my last night in DC and I have tried to contine the trrip and have a good time. The A went to jail on a DUI the night before I left, lost his job, etc. Nobody bailed him and he got out the next day anyway so in the middle of my trip I get a call from him saying hes going to my house and then later he did indeed call from my house. His name is not on the lease, hes never lived there, he has no key he climbed in thru a window. I feel so stuck, the house we own is for sale and he needs to sign the deed at closing. He thretened to take all my hidden money in the house an go drink into a coma, he threatened not to sign the papers for the house sale, I want SO MUCH to be done with him and feel likethere have b een so mmany times that I try to protect myself by doing things that I think will benefit me by helping him aand in the endit never works out that way. A cop told me that because we are stil married he has a right to break into my house and take whatever he wants even tho he never lived there. I just need some ESH, I'm scared to go home tomorrow, scared of what I may find, scared he may be there and I can't make him leave. Don't really know what to do at this point. His truck that is in both ournames is sitting in the impound, he surrendered his license in lieu of taking the test. I am at the point where i wish he would just die and make my life easier and then I feel guilty about that! ESH ESH ESH!!!!
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
In my family, when my mom was going through a divorce with my A dad, and he started to threaten her, etc. she found it useful to visit a women's shelter for help on how to protect her and us kids.
You may want to enter your property tomorrow with a big friend or a building manager, so that you feel safer, or perhaps stay with a friend for a few days until things calm down.
Are the police saying that if you come home and he's in your apartment that you can't call the cops to have him escorted out? That doesn't seem like it can possibly be legal!?
If it were me, I would also investigate what locks/safety protections I could add to my place and perhaps notify the management of this issue.
Perhaps calling a lawyer about the deed issue would also help?
Wow, quite the opportunist your husband. One of the first things I would do right now is ask a friend (that you trust, obviously) to photograph the perimeter of your house: that he's in the drive way on this date, when you were out of town, and he knew this; have him/her photograph the doors, windows and their respective locks for evidence of forced entry; after he's gone, if s/he is able, have him/her make a list of what s/he can tell is obviously stolen (a tv? a microwave? plates?). If your husband has a history of violence, make sure your friend doesn't go alone; perhaps you might want to involve the police, or, if all else fails, cut your trip short and do this yourself. If your friend, or you, catches your husband off guard, he will be frightend and prone to react.
Keep these for evidence in your upcoming decisions.
It would be wise to make some desicions based on this action. Any person that's willing to be this opportunistic will go further.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. One thing that deeply concerns me is the statement made by the officer. To my knowledge what your husband is doing is considered stalking and creating emotional distress which is illegal in all states - married or not. What he did was also called breaking and entering. I hope you were able to the the officers name you spoke with and pursue this with the legal system where you live.
Have you considered filing a restraining order on you soon to be ex? I dont want to sound like an alarmist. Given the fact that he has broken into your home while not there I would hate to see him do so when you are there. The progression takes many A's over boundries they never thought they would cross. Please take steps to protect yourself and be safe. You are in my prayers.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I agree with Karen. I would check into it, since you are no longer living together, thus obviously seperated and his name is not on the lease I don't see how it can be ok for him to do what he did simply because he is still your husband.
I had an ex-fiance I had to put out of our apartment, he threatened to come back and destroy things. When I called police they said they couldn't do anything because we "had been living together" but that the landlord could press charges if he broke in. So that is another option you might want to check into....if you feel your landlord would not hold it against you. I would hate to see you put out of your place.
And maybe for legal and safety issues get the seperation down on paper so it is a legal seperation and then maybe you will be assured of more help if another situation should arise.
When I filed for divorce, they put a protective order in effect. It read that he wasn't to call and harrass me, come by my house, or even enter my house. It wasn't worth the paper it was written on. The attorney still thought it may help at any rate.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there. I think the one thing that helped me at the time was, "that is the price you have to pay for freedom", when my stuff would be taken. Money, jewelry, things of value, sentimental items. One night he got mad and instead of hitting me her turned and split my grandmother dinning room table in two. My great-grandfather made the table. It was beautiful and finely crafted. It was the only thing of my great grandfathers that I had. I had to think what my late grandmother would tell me about her table.......that is the price you have to pay for freedom.
Once I got to that point with coming home and seeing something gone because he would get into the house before we filed was, a step closer to freedom.
I hope that you are able to get out this situation as fast as time will allow.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been following your posts and just wanted to say that yes you are in a tough spot, but remember it will not be forever. This too shall pass and HP will give you the strength and courage you need to do the right thing for yourself. A's can be so vindictive and manipulative especially when they feel threatened or spin out of control. Its like the grab onto whatever stable person they can find and hold on so tight that it begins to wear and drag the person and his/her life down. Don't let him drag you down and steal your joy. Some people here posted some good options. Having a police escort into the house is not a bad idea as well. Lock up or give some of those precious things you love to a friend or a storage unit for the time being until the dust clears and settles. HP is working on your A as well, remember he is accountable if not to you or himself to HP.
Take care~
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
First let me say, I hate the safety & security of your home was compromised by your AH. I'm sure that you have tons of emotions associated with that, please know that you are entitled to feel those feelings.
Prior to recovery, we often did not allow ourselves the ability to feel our feelings, so do whatever you need to do - journal, keep posting your feelings here, or even write letters (to your AH, to God, to yourself) then burn or shred the letters - so they can never be used against you - so that you can have the safety of expressing all your feelings.
After you have done this, then you are a special person and have the right to feel safe in your own home - I agree with the suggestions of contacting a local women's shelter to seek suggestions on what can be done to protect yourself and your residence. Some suggestions they have given before is document his behavior - the police and judicial system always likes to see documentation of these events - dates, times and details of what happened - phone calls, threats, break-ins, theft.
For me, this seems to be unacceptable behavior. Only you can decide for yourself.
Please take care of you & be safe - we often think we may be over "dramatizing" the situation, but we never know at what point their disease may cause them to take that next step to more abusive behavior. You have the right to feel safe and secure.
Sending good thoughts & prayers of peace & serenity,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It sounds like the cop is saying that as long as you are still legally married, you both own everything and your A can do whatever he wants with it or in it. Decades ago, when my ex-A were still married, I ended up having to go get an order of protection while we were still living in the same house. The day I got it, I showed it to him and told him he could not put his hands on me again. Well, he became enraged and left the house only to come back late that night extremely under the influence. He proceded to throw almost anything that wasn't nailed down, mostly my own stuff (everything off my dresser, flipped my bed over - thank God I had decided to sleep with my 6 yr.old daughter earlier that night!) But he did not touch ME. A little while later, after I prayed he was upstairs passed out in his own sleeping quarters, I snuck out the house with our 2 young kids and left. I went to my parents house and called the police. They told me that an order of protection meant he couldn't touch me but he could do whatever he wanted to the house and any property in it. They said I would have to get an order of restraint to keep him away from the house. I called a lawyer who said I needed to think about that because, the way my ex was, the restraint wouldn't keep him from burning down the house with me in it! The next morning, my parents and I went to the house to get some of my & the kids belongings as I knew I'd never be returning to live there. When we pulled up, all of my things we strewn about the yard, the inside of the house had stuff thrown all about,etc. I never went back to live.........If I were you, I would ask a close friend or family member to go to the house with you when you return (try to leave kids elsewhere as the sight of a possible wreck could really upset them) and then call an attorney. This could mean a matter of personal safety for you. Be careful...........jaja
Thanks for all your supportive comments, wish I had friends to call on to help me in this situation. Gotta work on making some good friends more than just casual acquaintances. They are hard to come by!
