The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that holidays will receive much attention here in the coming days. I am very into worrying about my plans for Thanksgiving. Months ago we made plans to fly to another state to spend three days with my aging parents and extended family. Since then my mom has grown physically weaker, so I am so happy I will see her but so sad that I can't just stay and take my place in caring for her when she needs me.
Here at home, my son will be alone. He and his ex are on fairly good terms. He is working on his problems. But now she has decided to leave for a week with the baby and go with friends to another state. I feel bad that he will not have even one visit on the holiday with the baby. I feel bad that he will be alone with our dog and his "ex" dog...for lack of a better term. Yes, he will be caring for both of them and she wants it to be at our house, not hers (their former home together). OK....they are divorced, she does have complete power over what she does with the baby, and that is that. Most would say he made his own problems. I agree to a certain extent. But I still feel bad. Had I known this would happen I would have scheduled our trip for another week. As it was, I scheduled it this way knowing my ex-DIL would have time off work then and would not have to worry about childcare with me being gone. I feel like she is just doing this to spoil my trip. She has known about it for months. I know that if we were going to be here she would not have made the decision to leave herself. It is hard to explain the dynamics in our family. We are so unlike other split families I know. I just hve to relax about this. Plans are made, the tickets are non-refundable, and my parents need my visit. The sad part is that my son is drinking less these days and trying so hard. But it is too late I guess. And then who knows how long that can last? This site proves that for sure. So maybe we all need to just realize that holidays are just calendar dates...just another day which shall pass.
It is too bad the holidays are complicated, especially with a divorce situation.
My first response to questions about Thanksgiving is "Oh shit." And I guess that's not a very good response. And w/Christmas, I think about the stress of shopping and the money, etc.
I am not going to get into it, but will say my parents (particularly my mother) still create chaos and stress and dysfunction as if they were still married. They divorced in 1983. My mother was remarried for about 8 years to another a.
I have one older brother and he has 3 children. Our parents are the only grandparents left alive for all grandchildren. For years, things were done a certain way and now my mother wants to change them. Out of jealousy????? ("I want my grandchildren to open my presents first!") She decides she cannot spend Christmas dinner with him but last year suggested we all have Thanksgiving dinner together. My father caught wind of some remarks my mother had made about not being able to stand him during the holidays. My father got upset and left the table @ Thanksgiving. Apparently it was a sad scene, with my younger nephew and niece begging him to stay. (I was on 3rd shift @ the time and slept thru this.)
I've tried to explain to my mother how she gets along with my father is not my problem and not my brother's problem and not my sil's problem. It hurts her feelings when I say this. My parents have been there at birthdays. Sometimes there have been problems.
I've also told her my brother and I had no control over their decision to get divorced. All these years we've been trying to do the best with what cards we've been dealt.
My mother also took offense when I told her it is not my problem how she and my dad get along. Why would she want to take the joy out of the holidays and try to make us think we are supposed to worry about this? I find it very selfish on her part. But when I say my true feelings and we disagree on a subject- the end result is I have hurt her feelings and nobody has ever damaged her the way I have, etc.
Okay, so I lied. I had to get into it a little. This year she said she got an invite for Thanksgiving from my aunt, because of what "she" went thru last year. About what SHE went thru last year? What about the rest of the family? Everything is revolved around her feelings.
I just need to change my focus regarding the holidays. Acceptance is an important part. I cannot have things exactly the way I wish them to be. But I have plenty to be grateful for. And I will need to work hard to not get sucked into my mother's stuff. I wish she would just put on her big girl panties and suck it up for one day. (she can be nice to my father when she wants something from him) I also realize when I work hard to not get sucked up into her stuff- she'll say I've hurt her feelings. Oh but what about mine? Isn't it time I cared enough about my own feelings rather than stuffing them for your sake?
One day at a time. Every other Christmas we've managed to get the shopping done. I will do what I can for today. And not worry about tomorrow. Hp/God is already there. (thanks to whoever posted that.)
Ummm - your son is an adult - right? He's responsible for drinking or not drinking - right? Are you saying that he (the adult A) needs to be babysat? If so, he is not in his own recovery.
Your decision of when or where to leave should not revolve on what your DIL is doing. If she decides to go away when you're away - then so be it. Don't let it spoil your trip. You need time with your parents. They're not going to be around forever. It's time for you to do things for yourself (and that includes vacations, visiting other family members, etc.)
Remember - you can only control what you, yourself, do.
I chose to be out of town with my younger son and his wife for Thanksgiving this year. My A son was invited to go but declined. I have heard a few remarks...said in jest...by family members about me not concerning myself with what my son would do for Thanksgiving. He has been invited to my sister's house and said he would come. I have warned her that he cannot be depended upon to do anything he says he is going to do. I hope he goes but if he doesn't I do not want any phone calls from any family member asking where he is or telling me they are worried because he never showed up.
I intend to enjoy this holiday season as last year was one of the worst holidays ever. My son and dil had split up in October right before all the holidays and it was just very sad. Thankfully, this year I have a year of you guys and Alanon under my belt.
What concerns me the most is the pity you are feeling for your son. Those we feel pity for will exploit it and use it against us. They will become self pitying and feel a need to become "attention sponges." As Noni pointed out, your son *is* an adult; he *does not* need a baby sitter. At least in my immediate area, there are AA meetings on Thanksgiving day; if he is really *that* loneley, he can go to an AA meeting, share that he's by himself today, and I have no doubt someone will take him home to share the fellowship of the program.
The dictionary definies PITY as "sympathetic sorry or compassions". Certainly then I feel sorry and compasison for my son, regardless of how much he has to suffer the blame for this family split. When the day comes that I don't feel sympathetic sorrow and compassion for anyone is the day I should drop from the human race. Why is pity a bad thing? I never said my son would hear me say anything about his being alone. That is just my personal feeling....I am sorry we are all in this position. I think my main point in my original post was that holidays are very hard on us families. And thankfully they are just one day and that too shall pass.
My memories of the winter holidays - specifically Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, are almost all pleasant ones. I can certainly understand why so many of us dread the holidays each year, but not coming from that position I can't offer many suggestions.
My ex-wife was a holiday hater, not so much Christmas but Thanksgiving in particular. Being married to someone who always put down my favorite holiday was something of an annoyance, but I always approached it from the perspective of building some new traditions and memories to replace her old, negative ones. But she just took that as being negative associations with me I suppose... one more reason why there's an X in front of her name now, in my world.
But also I realize that my positive holiday experience was due to the hard work my parents, particularly my mom put into it every year. Yeah, she was a classic codependent and enabler but perhaps that was one time when I really appreciated what she did. After my parents were divorced, she'd let dad come over on Xmas to open presents with us, and even carve the bird and act like he was one of the family. That probably was pretty hard on her, but he was usually pretty well behaved. Actually, my dad could be sarcastic but was rarely loud or abusive. His most glaring and obvious fault as an alcoholic was his inability to earn a decent living and support the family - in his later years, he barely made enough to pay for his gin.
When I got married, I kind of took on the role of my mother - making sure everything was in place for the holiday dinner, etc. But I remember the first time I ever discovered myself not quite prepared - there was stuff left to do, and it was midnight on Christmas Eve. I stepped outside and the sky was clear and very bright, it was cold but not bitter. It occurred to me, that just like for the Grinch - Christmas is here. It came just the same, even if I didn't have every T crossed and every I dotted. It came just the same, it's here. All of that other stuff didn't seem to matter much.
This is now a moment that I observe for every "event" in my life. A holiday, a deadline, a vacation trip... there is a moment when it changes from preparation to happening. At that moment, I can feel a chill down my spine and a breeze blow - like a gust of wind that blows down a city street and all the small stuff - the litter and paper cups - just scurry away and are forgotten. That moment says, ready or not, here we go. Whatever preparations I have done - or not done - to that point are going to have to stand on their own. I go with what I've got, run what I brung. Showtime.
