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I have been trying for sometime to get my son intrested in going to alateen. But he has no desire. Things here are getting progressively worse with him and his attitude. He has been in and out of therapy with and with out me as well. I know there is something at the root causing this. I know I haven't been a great functioning parent for awhile now emotionally. I have been doing better on focusing on me and trying to focus on him. His grades were improving I thought he was improving. But then I got a phone call saying he has been put iss again this year this time for fighting and bad name calling. He wants my A back and his son. I tried to explain that that couldn't happen he got angry at me. It doesn't understand why this may never happen. Any suggestions about how to help him get into the program would greatly be appreciated. I know I can't force him into recovery for him to get the full effect of it. So I got pamplets from my f2f to give to him and try to get him excited into going but it didn't do any good. Even have tried reading to him from my daily books.
Hmmmmmmmmm, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Wish we could, especially when we know the water is so helpful.
I really don't have esh on this, but I did have a thought. What if you put the literature you brought home and put it on the back to the toilet. That way he could read it if he wanted to in privacy, and he may just look at it.
Something else came to mind, hehe I got this from a Chicken Soup Book, I read a story about a mom who's son was going through some difficult times. So she wrote him a letter and told him how much she loved him, how hard it was to watch him suffer, and that if he ever wanted to talk she was there to listen. She then left it under his pillow. She never asked him if he got it or even if he read it. She continued to do this every once in a while. Later when he was older he told her how much those noted meant to him.
I will put you and your son on my prayer list.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
How old is son? I was 14 when i was forced into alateen and i never wanted to go or hear anything about recovery at that time, i went once and told them i would never ever go back and there was nothing they could do that could make me go. Sought out recovery as an adult and became a alateen sponsor 5 years ago. It shut down however i love speaking to teens still. If your son is anything like me he will rebel it. He is angry and needs time, you can be there for him and listen to him when he shares with you. Knowing how much i didnt want to hear about alateen or my parents drunk problem, i wouldnt of read those pamphets even if they were left on my pillow (never were) example though, its how i would of done it then,. My suggestion is to lead by example. Recover for yourself, work on you and all else will fall into place as it should,he will see it in you and that could give him incentive. Just my esh.
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 02:43, 2006-11-13
-- Edited by kerry5 at 02:45, 2006-11-13
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
The way things work with my kids - my daughter (14) has expressed small interest in alateen. I got her a book and some pamphlets, put them up in her room, and asked once if she had taken a look. She said no, I said something mild like "You might find something in there that would relate to you" and never brought it up again. My son (17) has said flat out that he's not interested, and I have not pushed. Teens do not like to be pushed, especially on something like this, where their feelings are so volatile.
Probably the best thing you can do, as kerry said, is to lead by example. Let him know you are there for him, and then follow up on that (in my case, that means listening to unbelievably boring descriptions of strategies in video games, because that's what he wants to talk about), be willing to discuss things rather than just hand down rules and punishments, apologize when you have done wrong. Work on your own recovery - as you get better, you will be less likely to try to force him, which always backfires. Be as honest as you possibly can with him.
Teens are hard anyway, and with this disease in the mix, it's REALLY hard. Try not to beat yourself up when it doesn't all work out.
I am sorry to hear he is having a hard time. When I was a young adult, my father was in pretty bad shape. It was a progression, but by the time I was in Jr High he almost never came to see any of my football games, or track meets. Mom and I did stuff together, and he was never around, even when he was around if you know what I mean.
He was just the guy who could blow his stack if you got in his way. He did things for me, but if I didn't react the right way.... he would go bizzerk.
Mom went to Al-anon when I was about 16. She told me about it, and why. I just wasn't interested. By this time, I was in scouts, played football in the fall, ran track in the spring, had a really active youth group at our church... and just wasn't interested in learning why dad was being a butthole.
My grandparents were also very active outdoors and I spent a lot of time with them. They loved to hunt and fish.
Looking back, that all really saved me. My father didn't find sobriety til I went to college, and I remember at the time thinking ... well good for him. I wasn't overly impressed until a year or two later when I realized how different he was. He was interested in what I was doing, and was willing to carry on a conversation with me. He didn't keep disappearing to go get beer and didn't refuse to go anywhere he couldn't drink. It was amazing.
If there are ways to have activities with both boys that would be great. As a young boy I craved activity, any kind. I know now that it was a distraction, but it worked for me.
Mom didn't force the issue with me to go to recovery, but instead just by her example, and her explanations of why she did what she did, I learned alot... I just didn't realize it at the time.
You are a great Mom, he may be rebelling a bit and blaming some, but you are doing the right thing even though it would be easier not to. He will remember that. He will come to appreciate what a strong person you are.
I hope things settle down for you. Sending prayers for you and your family.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
While I could have benefitted from Alateen when I was a teenager, I would have had very high expectations and probably would not have gotten the "it's for me" part of the equation. Other things I did at the time - like therapy - I treated as a "punishment" for being... what, the rebelious son of an alcoholic? If I had gone to Alateen on my own, I probably would have stopped going once I realized it wasn't making things happen the way I wanted them to. If I had been forced to go, I would have just rebelled against it as I did with the shrink, and sabotaged my own process.
My process was to follow the path of the alcoholic, then get sober almost in spite of myself. I remember during my first year thinking, I'm so young, I could have had a few more years of "good" drinking LOL. And only well after that was I ready for Alanon.
My granddaughter on the other hand loves Alateen, but doesn't get to go often. I used to take her to meetings but now she lives the other side of town, hoping she can find something close to her.
Hello Do , your son is angry and afraid , somehow our kids think we should be able to fix this and often see us as the problem . Nature of thier disease. Our part is for me to s et boundaries for childrens reltionships too , angry or not I cannot let my children abuse me verbally or any other way . there has to be a concequence for bad behavior or he will continue . Pass on what your learning in this program bring it down to kid size , maybe purchase a daily reader Alateen for him he may read it when he is alone .
Our kids take on the responsibility for this disease too often feel like it's thier fault , parents broke up of course we know it isn't but they don't . he needs to be reasured that he did not cause the problem . Alateen literature will do that and help him like us to keep the focus on himself * grades * etc . Lots of hugs and understanding will get u thru this time . But remember abuse from anyone is totally unexceptable . good luck Louise
