The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess best way to start is letting you know some more back ground. I am very scared of the net have been for sometime. Alot of the things I have been dealing with are more emotional then anything. It is how I meet my A. We had a great relationship online. But I found out not everything is as it seems. I don't blame my A for having a disease. I am angry at me for not being healthy enough to stop the cycle that I have repeated time and time again in my life.
This last go round he admittedly stalked me online. I got to the point where I have/had no idea who I could trust on the net as he has ALOT of different screen names. This for me has been the hardest part of my recovery. I had made alot of friends on the net over the years scared to know who to talk to. Scared to tell my story because I know they got sick of hearing it. So I cut myself off from everyone that knew me by my screen names, only talked to my friends on the phone that new me from the net. I got a new sn and went onto a different chat site then the others I have used in the past. Found a place that I started to feel comfortable then it happend again, I started to feel uncomfortable. So I tried some rooms I guess you could call them self help rooms, for depression and to find out what I can do to stop feeling so sad inside and lots of therapy that I couldn't help my A find the help I thought he needed and other things I needed to deal with in me. But for me at the time I really thought there was something wrong with me to not be able to change him to show him the way. One of the online hosts told me about Alanon, to that person that my hp (god to me) put in my path, I am truely thankful for. That is how I wound up here and at f2f meetings. LOVE THE 3 C's. They are what is keeping me sane at this point.
This week my A sent me a email. Said, me and my son need to get there, we have no money, things here are really bad (he lives with his family and they are getting sick and tired too). I have cut off alot of communication with my A for all the drama/chaos haven't seen him since the summer. I have enough in my own life I am dealing with. So that later that night I called. I was very strong and had really thought and prayed about how I was going to handle this. I guess my HP already knew how nervous I really was with dealing with this because. He said something that convienced me he was still hacking in at my job. Then I started to think about it. I am tired of covering his messes. He is on his own. I am so tired and I just want to feel safe somewhere online. He is blocked from everything on my home computer now. I won't let him stay here not with out being on a program for atleast a year one of my boundries. That is even if after a year I still feel the same way.
So one of my latest challanges is to try and face my fear. My fear of being online in a setting where people other then me are chatting. I have tried a few other times but I am EXTREMELY sensitive now because of this. I know ODAT. I have been to the chat room here before. Everyone was nice thank you for that. Be patient with me if you see me online and I missunderstand something, I have a tendency now, to over analize everything just let me know. I am finding it more difficult then when I first came online many years ago. I don't want to talk much for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and hurting anyone the way I have been hurt.
I look at the net as a tool to help me with my recovery. A place to go and escape or a place to vent when I need to vent when things in my life are crazy. I want to feel that way again inside.
sorry all thanks for letting me vent. Feels good to get that out thanks!
Myself, I love the online Alanon because it is so anonamous. If you don't give out personal information, (well, only to John), no-one will meet you on the street and say;" There goes so-&-so, she's married to an alcoholic."I live in a small community where everyone knows everyone, and even at the nearest f2f, too many people would know me.
I have been hurt very badly by a woman who I had regarded as my best friend for many, many years. I don't know what I would ever do without this sight where I have 'met' so many caring and loving people! I trust the people here, I guess because we are all struggling with the same emotions and problems, and there is always someone who has been where I am. Everyone pretty well understands where you are coming from, and are very supportive of one another.
Once in a while, there is a little conflict or missunderstanding, but on the whole, I feel this is the safest place in the world to come to.
I hope you will stay with us, everyone needs each other here. With Love in the program, TLC
