The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex-husband was an a. I N-E-V-E-R want to have to deal with that sort of thing again. Not ever.
We are divorced now and I am in a sort of long-distance friendship with a man. He has come to visit once. He is coming to visit again. He has always remained respectful of my boundaries and the distance I am keeping between us. Actually I am keeping a huge emotional distance between us. I simply have no interest in anything other than platonic friendship. But, he wants more.
Tonight we talked on the telephone. He tells me that he understands that I don't want to have to deal with alcoholism again. He swears that he only drinks in moderation. He swears that he never drinks until he is drunk and that he only gets light-headed every once in a great while. And immediately my red flags start waving.
He tells me that the last time he was light-headed was the other night when he drank an entire bottle of wine by himself. He said he knew that he shouldn't. He said it was too good to throw out the rest of it so he drank it.
Now, I don't drink at all. I am not comfortable around drunken behavior. I am not happy even being around light-headed behavior. I expect the people who are with me to always be sane and sober. Completely sober.
Bear in mind that I am really sensitive about this issue due to the fact that I have just lived through a very bad time with my a ex-husband. Do you think that drinking an entire bottle of wine by himself is an indication of a drinking problem? Or, am I being overly sensitive? I'm not sure if you need to know that height and weight-wise he is a very large man or that he claims he drank the bottle over a 4-hour period. Why anyone would want to drink for 4 hours also has me concerned.
It comes down to what is best for you. If you are not comfortable with him drinking and your gut is telling you that there might be a problem then listen to it. We've always been told to listen to our gut. For me when I go out with my girlfriends and we have a glass of wine, if they drink more I tend to get a bit uncomfortable. I know that I would never live with an active A again. Recovery is about taking back your life, doing what is best for you. Never loose sight of that.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
There are people in my local groups that have come (and some gone) that dont know if they should be at an al-anon meeting because they arent sure their "qualifier" is really an alcoholic or not.
I just tell them this. It doesnt matter whether they are or not. If you are bothered by their drinking, you are in the right place!
If this person's drinking makes you uncomfortable that is just the way it is. Don't invalidate your own feelings.
I call them God whispers. When I hear or feel them, I listen.
I used to try to analyze or (anal-yze) the outcomes. When I did that, and went with giving the person or the situation the benefit of the doubt and going against what was being whispered...(cuz that's what us codies do). I'd get burned everytime.
If you don't like being around drinking at all, keep that boundary. Hang on to that red flag, Hold it high and wave it!!
Take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with what everyone has said here. Pay attention to red flags, pay attention to your heart and gut. Those are the best indicators. Don't ignore the signals. Good luck (((((((Ditto)))))))!
I can relate to how you are feeling. I worry a lot about ending up in a similar situation again. I don't EVER want a repeat of what I've been through as a result of being married to an active alcoholic/drug addict. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to risk a repeat performance.
It doesn't matter if he has a drinking problem or not. You have a problem being around drinking. You have every right to be as tough about this as you like - YOU are the one who decides what YOU feel comfortable around.
Of course, he also has the right to think that you are being unreasonable, and not to hang around with you anymore - you have no power over his actions, only your own.
Those of us who have lived with active alcoholism are probably over-sensitive about non-alcoholic drinking, but so what? Someone who has been badly burned is extra careful around fire, and nobody thinks that's strange.
