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I wish ........I did not love him, It would make things so much easier. I have been trying to work my steps. Well,,,, I have also set up boundries.... like no vodka at my house period!!!!! walked away last night and left him home because he had to bring the bottle.... I went home alone... no big deal. So much has happened since my last post. Still having this relationship with the A bf. He has been in and out of jail a couple of times since my last post.
Well the problem i am having right now is this.... The A was dropped off at my house tonight, because he cannot drive and hasn't for over 10 years due to drinking. He came to the door with his bag which usually had beer and vodka in it. He wanted to talk to me... I told him I had nothing to talk to him about tonight for him to take his bag and go home. Well he refused to do that and started to kick in my door to my rental home.... I asked him please just go home and that i did not want to talk to him. I have asked him not to bring it here and its here and i have nothing to say to you. Ok he kept kicking the door I told him I was going to call the police. He would not stop, so I called the police. Usually they take him home from here but the last time they took him from here they told him they would arrest him. Well tonight he was arrested for assult the police say.. I asked assult agains who and they said me. I told the police officer that I was not assulted thru a locked door, that the door was assulted. The officer said that he was making the charges agains the A for assult on me. And it was just a way for them to get him there for the night. The courts would prolley get him on his violation of probation....
Ok ...........but here is what I am having a hard time with, a officer from the jail called me to tell me that the A need bail money to get out of jail. And the A has told me where he kept his money that I should go to his house and get the money he needs for bail. But they have also told me that the A is not to have any contact with me at all. Till after his court date on friday... The last officer told me that i cannot post his bail which this is something that I could never afford. And I never would even if I could afford it. I am not sure if he even does have the money for bail in his hiding spot at his house. Do I go check and drop it off or make him wait till his hearing or for him to call someone else. Its not my problem.... it hurts that I have played a hand in this but its the actions of the A that he is not hearing what I am saying.
After 10 arrests, bail, lawyers, money, court dates, probation etc, I told my son that I will not help again. If you get the $ he won't suffer the full width and breath of the consequences one should suffer for being drunk and kicking the door and not going away when asked. We always talk about hoping the A will reach the bottom and turn around, but when we help it stops that process.
I know it's easy to say and much harder to do. I wish you courage to make the right decision for you and then to carry it out.
I would put my favorite music on, haul the cd player into the bathroom, slather a super thick mud mask all over my face and take the longest, hottest bath I could stand. I would do it right now, before I ended up at his place, looking for bail money that may or may not be there.
How awful to put you in this position. And there is not a bottom yet. He doesn't seem to get that he did you any wrong. Its just another hiccough for him.
Sometimes I can see the disease talking. The A has been out all day smoking dope somewhere. He stinks. He is well aware I have asthma. Does he care? Nope.
No doubt while I am gone his friends will be over partying. I know he was upset on Thursday when I did not go to work because he certainly had plans.
The issue is where do your needs get met. I know I have a need to be needed and incredible abandonment issues. I also have fear of being alone among other issues. The irony is that of course I am more alone with the A than I ever was on my own. He certainly has not one care for me or my needs, or my health, my bank balance nothing.
I think it is very hard to watch someone destroy themselves. This last week I hit a lot of bottoms about how helping the A has cost me. I told him I could not longer give him money.
Maybe you need new limits on when and how he can come to your house.
In my eyes, the fact that he called you after being hauled away shows that he still didn't "get it". It seems he expects to ignore and cross your boundaries and then see if he can make you fix it after he gets in trouble for it.
You called the police (and rightly so). It doesn't really matter what he was charged with or why. That's not your problem. His HP has him right where he needs to be. It sounds like he has been given the same lessons over and over but chooses not to listen.
Bottom line: Alanon has taught me once I set a boundary I should never have a part in fixing the consequences. The minute I do, my boundaries mean nothing.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One thing that caught my eye, and I know it is because I own a rental home, was your sentence about him kicking the door, assaulting the door.
The rental agreement we use states that the tenant is responsible for their guests on the property. The Tenant is responsible for any damages done. And if the tenant had people over who were consistently causing damage, I could serve them with notice to vacate the premises, as they are breaching the rental agreement contract. I would do this too as I simply don't have the money to make repairs of something that should not have been damaged in the first place. I can take the cost of repair out of the security deposit, and if that doesn't cover the cost, I can sue the tenant in court for the remainder of the cost. If the tenant can't pay, I can put the judgment on their credit record, which would cause problems for the tenant down the road when they try to get credit or rent elsewhere. That judgment can be renewed and remain on their credit report until it is paid.
I'm glad you took care of yourself and called the police. Please think about taking care of yourself financially too. As you see from above, his actions can affect you also in these other ways.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I want to thank everyone for your words of wisdom.
I did not go to his house to find his money. He has called from the jail at least 7 times today collect of course and I have not picked up his call. Thank god for caller ID.
I have sat here riddles with guilt, as to what I feel I should do because there is no one else that he can call right now that can help him get out of jail. But I really believe that he would be here within minutes of getting out of jail. 1. Because he left his bag of booze here which I had the police take off my property. I did not want it here. I know the police told him he was not to have any contact with me,,,, but he still is calling from jail. 2. Because he claims he loves me so much and would want to be here with me. And his need to talk to me.... And I know it would not be a sober talk.
Right now I know his cravings for booze would have the best of him. All he is thinking about is getting that booze back in the system to feel better. I know he has been doing at least a 5th a day. I know that I am not suppose to keep tract of his drinking. Because I am powerless over alcohol. I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it.
I pray for strength to get thru the day to stay strong for me. And that I will not have to call to the police if and when he gets out. That he will not come here. I have to hand this over to my higher power I know.. But boy is this a hard thing to do....
Thanks for listening to me vent and being here for me.
You are doing the right thing even though it is so very hard. If you get him out it won't stop him from drinking and drinking is what is ruining his life. If getting him out would cause magic dust to pour over him and cure him then it would be fine. But reality is maybe a longer time in jail will make him detox, and even hit bottom.
When my son spent 3 nights in jail, then got probation with the help of the $3000 dollar lawyer and then went straight to a rehab for 9 expensive days, it only made him think he was so powerful that he beat the system. That was 4 years and 3 rehabs and thousands of dollars, and 3 cars and so many nights ago.
I wish I had let him suffer his consequences. Maybe life would be different now.
So stay strong and throw away the guilt. He should have guilt for what he is doing to you.
