The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sit back today and wonder how much of this drama do I bring on myself? I will skip most of the details, they are much the same as everyone else's chaos, slamming doors, breaking things and yelling and screaming.
But... how often do I put myself right there in the middle of it? (Appearantly often! LOL) I don't want my AW who is now living in an apartment to feel that I don't love her anymore. So what do I do... try and help her be more comfortable there. <sigh> I try to help her see that living alone doesn't have to be lonely. That we can enjoy each other even during this hard period while she is trying to get help. Well, is it really her fault that she thinks that's bull! Not really.
Once again I am painting a picture of reality that doesn't exist. I tried doing that while she was here. It's just a bad moment... maybe this will show her the booze is bad for her... maybe if we do something new and fun she will relax... I was trying to be the director and producer of this show and I am nothing but an actor.
So I stopped by this morning after running into town to do some errands, and she is all upset and into the self-pitty well so deep I can hardly see her. I try to cheer her up, offer to go and do something with her. She denies there is anything to do, and goes on and on about how miserable she is. I resisted saying "well go talk to someone about it". (That's what had her drunk dialing me all night last night and leaving messages on every phone I have for hours)
She knows what to do, she just won't do it. But I can't make her, not in Texas anyway. LOL
So I told her I had to finish my errands and call me later. I came home and reflected on all this and sorted out the garage and fired up my race car. Wow that felt good. I haven't even touched it since Febuary. The slicks were low on air, and it was covered in dust. Some leaves had even blown into the shop from the yard and the exhaust blew leaves all over the driveway like a snow blower.
I know most of you won't relate to this at all, but that was a huge tension reliever for me to prime that thing up and hear it roar to life. My neighbors were probably about to call the cops, so I shut it down.
I am so sorry that my AW feels the way she does. If I had the power to make her life perfect, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I have come to understand that I can't do it for her. I understand it... but I have such a hard time not trying to do it anyway. I let go of things, but I never let them hit the ground. <weak smile>
I hope everyone has a good weekend. I am going to make the best out of mine. Maybe I will go fire it up again... neighbors ears have had a rest, right?
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello rt- the one thing that stood out in your post to me was - There is nothing to do here !!! seems to me a while back she was saying the same to you that you were boring no fun , nothing to do.
Unfortuantley a practing A dosen't see much positive in thier lives , looking for a quick fix to the depression and unrest they have when drinking . If nothing else this should tell u one more time that u are not the problem. She has the freedom to do every thing she said she wanted to do when living in your home and life is still miserable !!!!! go figure.
Keep doing what your doing focus on your needs and from your posts she is being told often that she is loved and cherished she just dosent see it yet . I am not a drinker but strangley I can relate to that part of her life . I was told growing up that I was loved every day but that was never enough for me i always wanted more , either u didn't say it the right way or not when I wanted you too, it was the fantacy that I had in my head and today I know that it is totally unrealistic no one can be all of those things to me , it's just too much to ask of one person.
I understand today that I was a spoiled brat anything I wanted my parents gave me , when I went on my own I spoiled me , and my husb was a great provider so he spoiled me, what was missing was gratitude and A 's have none .
Keep expectations low or better yet have none. I thought that was a really sad statement when I first heard it but for me it works if I have no expectations when something works out and you get a little back , that is a bonus and I am not bogged down in a resentment .
One thing I have learned in the past six months is that unless the pain is great enough, people won't do anything to change. Think about us...it was the great pain that brought us to these rooms, the absolute despair and hopelessness. We came to recovery in an effort to reduce the pain.
I have loved my husband so much that it was killing me to see him in constant pain. I wanted to do everything I could to ease that pain for him and make things easier. What I learned was that I had to let him feel that pain on his own so that he would get so sick of the pain and beg for help. He did. I had to quit trying to make things easier and less painful for him. Even in recovery, he has to hurt enough over something to work his next step.
I become complacent in recovery and have to hurt enough and get sick and tired of being sick and tired before I put in the extra foot work to get relief. One thing I hear in NA on a daily basis is people saying that they didn't come to NA to quit using, they came to stop the pain. In doing so they have learned that they have to put down the drugs and/or alcohol in order to do that. We seek the absence of pain regardless of the type of program we are working.
Another thing, for me I want to feel the pain sometimes. Sometimes I don't want people to cheer me up or make things better. I want to sit and be bask in my misery and pain for a while. When I have had enough I know what to do or where to go to get out of it. I have to allow myself that time to hurt and think. Being in pain is what motivates growth and change. If I am not able to feel tht pain, I have no motivation to change anything.
For this kid...the hardest part of it all is "Doing Absolutely Nothing" We just arent built that way...
All we can do is say.."I love you" and walk away...and my answer to that? is usually "Yaaa..Right!!" :)
We love them...they are a part of us....Its about "What can we do?" and sometimes as frustrating as it may be...theres absolutely nothing ...we can do...
This addiction of Alcoholism and the need to have more...overpowers anything..that Ive ever known...
I knew that I was an alcoholic, 20 years before giving in...and even at the doors of death...I wanted and needed..the alcohol....to function...in every aspect...there was no logical thinking left....alcohol did it all..number one priority...
A choice? I think once an alcoholic crosses a certain line...there is no choice...and thats the hard part also...
I wish you the best...one day day at a time freind...
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Giving to others, from the heart..is what its all about..
Food for thought: Those we pity will pity themselves. Those who are hurting will hurt others. Those who are angry will anger others. Those who are self distructing will be destructive.
Your sponsor hasn't told you anything different. Neither has the old timers. Your wife needs to spin out of control. The absolute best thing to do is let her. Let her spin into insanity (you've heard the play "Spinning into Butter?" Close enough...).
Go find someone new in the program. Sponsor him. Go volunteer on the Al anon phone lines for awhile. Tell some parent's at your son's school you'll do car pool for awhile, drive them to the 4 corners of creation. Do something. Anything. But the more involved you become with her, the longer she'll take to get to the bottom. That's why she left, believe it or not--she knows she can't drink with you, so she'll drink with out you. Consequently, she'll drink to her bottom.
I cant really add much to what the others have said to you.
But one thing! I so know what you mean about firing up your race car!
I have a 68 Dart with small block V8 in it, and ....... he he he....... flowmasters!!!
That puppy is louder than it should be too, and I love it. Especially when I need to release some tension, I take her out to a lonely country road and "air the cobwebs out of her" he he he.
For some of us it is one day at a time. Its like that for me now. Normally at this time of year I would count the days till the end of the year. I am not doing that now. I am just doing it one day at a time.
Hi there texas, I know the pain you speak about...it's so damn hard when it's your spouse...what i did was practice taking care of me....ask myself if i am taking care of me? It took my AH a long time to get help. He is doing that now. The hardest part was waiting for that to happen...and wondering if it would. Detaching is sooooooo hard. I wanted to make the pain easier but I couldn't. I tried and tried, then I really understood step 1. Boy was that a shocker. To realize not matter what I did I couldn't make things different. I couldn't go back in time to the man I fell in love with. I had to let go. I was so sad. I hope this time he is able to find what he needs to arrest this awful disease. But, I know that I am not alone. I know my HP is there for me even when I don't realize it. Prayers for you. Hope you take care of you today.
