The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have been arguing all week with my baby boy's father since last weekend when I found him drunk while our son was with him.
At first I said it concerned me and didn't want my son staying the night anymore, but he can still see him during the day. This made him very defensive and he flat out refused.
Then finally I gave in to keep the peace and said my son could stay with him, but now he knows how I feel, so no excuses. Only when I said I can understand that being a young guy and working all week, and stressed he'd want a drink did he calm down and come around. I said I'd appreciate that next time he talk to me first so that I can take our son so he's not drinking around him.
Then he said 'so what about you and me?' (we are separated but had still been spending time together and trying to work things out) I said I felt so drained and broken down from arguing all week that I couldn't see it working out anymore.
He tried to tell me that he has had the drinking under control and last weekend was just a lapse (if that's the case he lapses every 2 weeks..). I felt terrible, I love him, and I believe he loves me. But in the end I said no more, I can't live like this anymore.
He just went quiet. Then said can our son stay with me (instead of him for the night) because he wants to be alone, but he'll pick him up in the morning.
Well, this morning I had run out of formula for my son's bottle so called him to ask when he was coming over because we were going out, or could he pick him up now. He was still in bed, and said no, he's not coming anymore. I couldn't help feeling angry - I said what about our son, who misses him, what about me? He said I don't care about you, and [our son] is too young to understand anyway (not true), he said he wants to be alone.
All week he had been complaining that I'm making an issue to try to keep him from his son, now he doesn't want to see him... [Sigh] So confused!
I think he is just trying to make me feel bad for ending it with him or trying to make life difficult so I beg him to come help look after our son. Or he just wants to wallow and is going to go on a drinking binge..???
It's nothing you said or did. If he is drinking when he has your son then maybe for now it is best he doesn't take him. I know it is harder on you but in the long run there will be less stress since you won't be worried the whole time your baby is gone. Alcoholics do and say things we will never understand.
Pehaps it's better to keep your son with you today, since it sounds like he wants to drink today and he know it's best for the baby to be safe with you.
Surely it is wise to keep your son with you if Dad is drinking when he has the boy. If keeping the child away when Dad is drinking is going to be a boundary, and it should be, stick to it. I wish you and son well, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Went over there there this morning and knocked on the door. His car was in the driveway but no answer. I tried again an hour later, still nothing... he could just be ignorning me, but he knows our son was with me.
Not sure if I should be worried.
The phone rang at 5am this morning, but I was asleep and didn't get to it so I don't know if it was him.
Personally I think the A I am with can push the abandonment button better than anyone I know. Maybe if you would were not around he would surface. I think it is horrible that he palys this kind of emotional game but they do. I think it is also hard to detach.
In time we do get to detach better. Be kind to yourself.
Bad news generally follows fast. I am sure he is coming out to get stuff for himself.
I am sure he is also punishing you. They are good at punishment. The A I am with is a master. It is always someone else's fault. Nothing is his, he is a master at whatever he does. He is good spirited and all that. Its just everyone else does not fall into line.
I am also amazed that the A I am with can on one hand claim great love for his pets then next abandon them for a few days. He will make tons of excuses about it. None of that is his fault either.
These days I am not liking the way the A loves, it is capricious like a small child not like an adult. I want an adults love not a childish immature love.
Well drove by his house today and he has gone to work.
So much for him playing the whole 'depression' card - also looked in his kitchen window and it was the cleanest I've ever seen his kitchen too.
Got home and he had returned to sender an email I sent him.
Now I'm thinking: he's trying to punish *me*!
Just need to vent that I'm so angry that even though I have chosen to now be away from him he is still constantly in my thoughts and making life difficult ('disappearing' and not picking up our son).
Why does he want to punish me for not wanting to be with him - you can't punish someone into loving you. In fact doesn't this give me more reason to dislike him!?
I know things will get better if I just let go and live my life - but still that inner fight with my heart and my head.
I really appreciated the line "Alcoholics do and say things we will never understand."
I can't tell you the number of times my husband has said one thing about drinking and done another. Or says to me that it doesn't affect me, because HE is the one doing the drinking not me. Go figure... I can't even begin to wrap my head around that one.
I simply don't get it. In my world, a bit pollyanna maybe but I like it, I try to treat people well, and apologize for any bad behavior. I'm beginning to realize that the A doesn't even REGISTER the bad behavior.
So, as much as it hurts, and as frustrating as it is, it is possible your parter is just being himself and doesn't have any clue what it is doing to you on the inside. He might not be trying to punish you, he may not have any idea he's hurt you, at least not to this extent. Perhaps your feelings for him is truly the punishment/pain you feel.
I've had 3 glorious days on my own with plenty of time to think about my situation, and life with a drinker in general, and have found that if I can make peace with myself, and spend time in meditation, the feelings of being let down dissapate some.
Hang in there and as others have said, be good to yourself. And if possible, do things that take your mind off him.
I was looking at a photo of my baby boy and thinking about what a good day we had today. I was suddenly overcome by how much I love him, and how the thought of anything seriously bad happening to him would make me want to die.
I realised all this fighting with my ex, we are getting so caught up in ourselves that I've started to drift away from what's most important in the world to me above all and that's my son.
I think I have found my source of strength there or HP if you will (I'm not really religious).
My ex finally surfaced today and came over unannounced after work. He wanted to talk and said he wanted to make changes and he was sorry and he wants us to be a family. I still dn't trust him. I feel for him. I thinking I'm beginning to understand detachment.
I feel for you. There is no rhyme or reason to what hurtful things they say and do. It was difficult for me to realize I could not depend on my husband.
Trust takes a long time to come back. But it can. Miracles do happen. My husband tried to stop drinking 2 or 3 times when I started divorce proceedings. But he stopped only for the marriage, not for himself.
I divorced him when he was 8 months sober. He had finally quit to save himself. We remarried and he's been sober 6 years now. He doesn't follow a program. But at least there is no active drinking. That in itself is a huge difference.
It's nothing you said. Your A is just trying to make you feel guilty.
It sounds like you came to an epiphany when you had time alone with your son. I know it's not easy staying detached - but you've got to do what is best for you and your son.
Your ex will continue to try to make you feel guilty. That's when you have to stand back and not get involved in any arguments, and try not to pay attention to any of his threats.
Hmmmmmm, you know what first came to mind for me. This disease is so cunning and turns our loved ones into people that we don't recognize. For me, I see my hubby as two different people. The one who actively seeks recovery, and the one who actively seeks addiction, and how he treats me all depends on the one who is running him at that moment.
I know when my hubby is very active in his disease he is a great manipulator, he can say things that totally hurt, or shut me out becuase he knows that will get to me, or he will stay away. This is how I can make it all my fault, his drinking that is.
When I learned to not let that get to me, his manipulation no longer had a hold on me.
Keep working your program, and protecting your son. Those are the two best things you can do.
Oh, and when is the last time you treated yourself nicely, give yourself a treat!
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Great help for me was the Al-Anon pamphlet..."Alcoholism, a merry-go-round named denial." Might be in the library or you can get it on line or at your favorite f2f meeting.
