The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember an incident from early recovery where I was asking my HP about a trial (I thought) I was going thru and how HP saw the whole thing. While I was in this conversation the station on my car radio started transmitting a alert signal and then "this is a test...this is only a test." I know that my HP can and will use anything within HPs power to wake me up so I came to understand all trials after that day as just "tests of this spiritual program I choose to live."
Well
just an hour ago my missing "business partner" (maybe still clean and sober) showed up after a couple of months and no returned phone calls and he just decided to talk and express his reasons (old and misguided) for his disappearence. I did some stuff good and may be very good. I didn't do the fear and anger stuff as well as I could. (for me fear always comes before anger, rage, resentment etc.) I could have and have in the past been able to leave these compulsive behaviors aside and use the tools of the program. I was always grateful that it worked. In the end of this one though I find I still have changes (amending) to do, I find out, one of them (amends) being inventory the situation and myself before I engage my mind and mouth while simultaneously plopping my butt down into the palms of my HP.
I went from relieved to see that he was alive and okay right to resentment, anger, outrage and self righteousness and centeredness. I was about to say defense but it was more like offensive and I am very good at that when I take my time and focus on it. Program interferes with that real early cause I didn't like how I was feeling, thinking and talking. Started to use a little abusive tactics that I did when I was married to a practicing alcoholic (suprising that that stuff is still right at hand huh?). All of what I was doing felt foreign to me so I made the decision to walk away from it. That was different. I walked away properly from the situation. If I want the business to succeed as a partnership, I need to make better decisions about who it is that I choose as a partner. Haven't you guys taught me that?
I'm okay...still somewhat affected so I'm still human. Another reason to stay with and live this program. Just gotta take care of my part right? No more partnership under the conditions (after re-thinking my part and getting honest about it.) I made the wrong choice again with good intentions which is the usual pavement on the road to hell. The honest inventory leads up to better decisions for the right reason and therefore better consequences and stronger hope.
Am part of the group that will host the Fall Assembly in our location. Grateful to be a part of this family and excited on getting to know family members I haven't met before and other members I haven't seen for a while.
I'm reminded of a post here a few months back, "The road to destruction is paved with wrong assumptions." Hmmmm..
I think you are being a little hard on yourself. We can't be so skeptical of people that we don't place some trust in them. That doesn't mean it won't come back and bite us, lol, it just means that we are willing to take that risk. Without risk there is no reward.
It is wise to put it thru the process, your part in things, just keep in mind that there isn't always a true "right choice." My dad would call this a learning curve....which I'm finding life to be exactly that.
Hi Jerry - That would be a maddending situation and you have a right to feel those feelings - its just what you do with them is where our choice comes into play. Sounds like you handled the situation with as much grace as possible and you learned something from it it. Therein lies the blessing. You're amazing - and you're right - we are all human!
