The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is my 29 year old son. Finally after 6 years of my enabling in every way I could, thousands of dollars, police, lawyers, smashed cars and no real consequences, he is up against it alone. I hope it is the bottom, but I'm not certain. His wife is gone. He lost his house. He has no money. He is staying with various friends until he gets money for a place. He has a job, but is showing up hungover, so I don't know how long that wil last.
My phone is turned off at night. He called this morning to say he was accused in a coke deal and the police came to his friend's house last night, but found nothing. He can't say he will stop drinking and doesn't know if he wants to keep his job. All I said was that I couldn't help him anymore if he gets into trouble. I will not come with bail money or a lawyer. I suggested an AA meeting. He has been in 4 rehabs, the last one was 30 days ending in July. He started drinking again in August.
I am so worried and sick feeling. I love him and I feel like I am letting him sink. I know that's the right thing to do, but I feel guilty, useless and most of all scared that he will never stop till something really terrible happens, like getting hurt or in jail. I need courage.
Welcome to Mip. I am so glad you are here. I have several alcoholic/addict members in my family, but the worst to deal with has been my children. The pain involved is unexplainable. However, our job is to let them grow and at 29, you need to give your son the dignity of making his own mistakes and learning from them. The best thought I could keep when I had to detach from my son was, he had his own hp, guiding and loving him...I was not it!
I am so happy you are going to go to a face to face meeting, you will find people who have experienced exactly what you are. The support is wonderful!
Please remember the 3 C's...You didn't cause this, you can't contol it and you can not cure it....
You are at the right place! I want to share a poem someone shared with me when I got here, Hope it helps!
God Bless,
Carol
Parents Words of Wisdom
I gave you life, but I cannot live it for you. I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn. I can give you directions, but I cannot lead you I can allow you freedom but I cannot account for it I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you. I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to have honor. I can advise you about friends, but I cannot choose them for you I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure I can tell you about the facts of life, but I cannot build your reputation I can tell you about alcohol, but I can't say NO for you I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious. "A real winner forgets there is a race - they just love to run" Enjoy!
Hang in there!!!! It eventually comes a time for everyone that there is no more ways to help...especially financially.
I have a 35 year old A son who moved out a couple of weeks ago. He lost his family and has not really been able to hold down a job very well this past year. Thankfully, he is working today but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Try to leave him to deal with his own problems. If you are like me...you call his cell phone several times a day to make sure things are ok. I am just starting to be able to detach from his life recently. I have noticed in the past couple of days, in doing that, I seem to be thinking about my own life more.
I constantly say things to myself when I know he has done somethig studpid "that's what A's do" and "whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether I worry or not". I constantly ask God...who is my HP to just help me to deal with whatever it is He has in store for my son...whether it be recovery, jail, hospital or death. It is not up to me and there is not one thing I can do to change anything. It is out of our hands and thank God it is!
I hope you can detach with love from him and maybe start setting some boundaries. Turning your phone off at night is a good boundary for you. My son doesn't usually call me when he is in trouble but somehow I find out about it. If I don't hear from him I am usually trying to track him down. I am working real hard on that one.
I know it is so hard but go to your Alanon meeting tonight and read your literature and pray to your HP for the courage to "let go"
Thankyou for your quick and supportive replies. The poem surely says it. The phone keeps ringing. I see that's it's his seperated from wife and i'm not answering. She calls when he is in trouble and she wants me to fix it. She doesn't leave a message so it's taking all I have to not pick up or call back. I also think she likes to tell me all he has done wrong because it justifies her moving in with her new boyfriend. (as if I care)
In the last 4 months I have gained 20 pounds, stuffing down my anxiety. Today is so bad, I can't even eat, but I know that not responding is the right thing to do. Laura
I am sorry you are going through this. My daughter's only nine, so I have not experienced this as a parent. I do think it must be as bad if not worse than what I went through as a child in an alcoholic family. I hope my recovery program helps my parenting. I do know I can't cause, cure or control what happens to my daughter when she is older as far as alcoholism and addictions.
I had to stop watching that "Intervention" show on A&E. My heart broke for those parents and other family members. I do think the show provides a great public service in showing all sides of the addiction problem. Addiction is horrible for all those involved.
I know as a mom, I want to keep my daughter safe and sometimes I make mistakes. I know keeping them safe at her age is a lot easier because I have more control, not to mention the legal responsibility for it.
Once they are teens I know from all I hear it becomes more difficult and of course once they are adults, there is very little you can do. I cannot imagine having to do what so many parents of addicts and alcoholics have to do. The difference between enabling and caring must often be a hard one to draw.
Keep checking in with other parents who have the same issues.
Laura, i am so sorry i can only imagine the hurt,pain,and frustration you may be feeling. Know that you are doing the right thing. Our stories are kind of similar,except my mom who is 33 is my A. Just always remember you are totally powerless over their actions. Nothing you say or do can make them stop. I learned this the hard way. I am still trying to detach from her with love. I enabled her so bad that i would drive her to the bar and even go in and buy her a drink. Today, i have choices and so do you. I will pray for you to find strength and courage.
Lauren aka ash
__________________
~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
I had to let my daughter go to experience the consequences of her actions. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt sick and cried for days on end. Then I prayed and found the ACOA website and began to get support. Then I found this and the naranon website. I talked with lots of other parents going through the same thing.
As hard as it may be - you are not able to force your son to get clean and sober. Enabling him only allows him to continue his behavior, and prevents him from facing the consequences of his actions.
I know that he has to make it on his own and that my helping only prevents him from dealing with his own consequences, but it is so hard. Waiting is just awful because I know he hasn't hit the bottom yet and i don't know when that will be or what it will consist of.
He just called. He didn't go to work today. It's only his 4th week so I'm sure they will let him go and he likes the job, so he will be sure to blow it. He sucks the life out of me. I am empty after I speak to him. I will go to Alanon tonight. My husbabnd is away for 11 days and I can't be alone.
