The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some guidance on how to help a fellow Al-Anon member. Her life seemed to be going great, her A was dry, they seemed like the perfect happy couple he working his program and she working hers. Then out of the blue on Wednesday night he just up and left her. She is devastated to say the least.
I have never been through this in my life and I am at a loss as to what to say that might help her.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Wow, that's very rough. I have never been faced with a friend in that possition, but my first thought would be to reasure her that if she has needs to reach out. To talk, to go out to eat with some company. When she is ready she might want to hook up with a financial advisor to sort out what does this mean to her in that respect. She may be right on top of it... but then again, it could help.
When my wife left the first time my biggest issue was I didn't know what to do with myself, so I sat around and did nothing for awhile.
Just some thoughts ....
I am just doing a blanket prayer for the whole group these days, seems like nobody has too much prayer power going for them.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If we don't have any experience with something that we shouldn't try to come up with anything to say. It helps many times just to sit and listen. Let them get it out. I know it hurts not to have the magic words to say that would make it all better. Maybe just saying meaningfully, "I am sorry that it is you that has to go through this. I sorry you are hurting"
From my own experience I had a friend in a situation like this. We had another person from the program over and myself. She was getting it all out. I was tounge tied and just added to the negativity to the whole thing. (Pre- Alanon days) My friend just looked at her and told her he was very sorry she was hurting. The amazing thing, it seemed to be the only thing at the time that warmed her.
Our responsiblity in Alanon is to help those in need. Maybe giving her some reading material from the program or if she is willing, take her to a meeting. You are planting a seed. It is up to the seed to grow. We cannot force it to grow. We can plant it and nurture it.
What I have learned the most is just to listen and let them get it out. Plant seeds along the way. I pray that she find a peace within herself very soon and you as well. What a wonderful thing if she made it to the program.
Mo, I am glad your friend has you for a friend. I'm sure she's reeling with shock, as I was the first time my husband left. It is quite a blow, especially when one person thinks everything is fine.
Take this time to allow your friend to grieve, and you can be there for her during the process. Sometimes, when my husband left, I just needed someone to be in the same room with me, to keep me grounded, connected. I felt I might fly away at any moment. Yes, if you can give her some reading material, avoid any negative comments about her husband, (if she has any, I have found the best thing to say is nothing, because if they get back together, she will forgive him, but may harbor ill feelings to anyone who spoke badly of him). Just be there for her. She will be blessed with a friend who cares. This disease is so just cunning, and sneaky, and hurtful beyond words.
I am sorry for your friend. Just wrap your arms around her, and be there for her. She's going to need a lot of company, at least I did. She is surely not alone, in being abandoned by her A. We just never, ever know when it could be us.
I deal with abandonment issues myself, at least several times a month. I just never know when he will decide to leave. I have tried to learn to prepare myself, but there is no way to prepare for the heartbreak this causes. All because of the power of alcohol.
that is something some men do in AA. They get the idea that if they leave the relationship they will be ok. They have this idea that something made them drink.
I have had boyfriend's leave me out of the blue. I must say it was an incredible shock. there were signs of course but the shock of it was terrible. I think it took me a full year to get over it. He never spoke to me again. Now I feel what a coward he was.
I also felt absolutely humiliated and confused. So I would expect your friend feels a lot of that. I think sometimes it is good to have someone around to ground you. I felt intense grief when he left (I was pretty young at the time) I also felt cheated (there was another woman involved). I felt very angry and abandoned as well.
I am so glad for her that she has a friend like you. I remind myself all the time that I do not know what goes on for certain people. I know I often thought some couples had it all then it turned out the relationship was not what it seemed...
Hello Mollie , I have found that in situations like this u just need to listen and give lots of hugs.
I cannot tell someone that I know how they feel if I have not had the same experience , I can only listen and I often direct them to someone who has been where she is at ( with the concent of the other person of course ) If she has a AA friend in recovery suggest she talk to them also no one understand an A like another A.
Reasure her that she will be okay , encourage meetings and lots of them she will find someone who has been there . goodluck Louise
My husband recently got out of rehab. Since he has gotten home (although he is attending his meetings and I am trying hard to attend mine and to work the program) he sees we different. He thinks I have changed and that I am mean. I don't think I have changed that much. He is blaming me for his physical feelings, his mental and emotional feelings. We have talked about divorce more in the last month than in the 13 year before this. I, like your friend, do not want this to happen. However, I can see how it could. My husband is empty. He used to fill that with drugs. Now he blames me for his feelings. It is upsetting to him that I am changing and not as easily manipulated. It is rough. I just need to know that there are people out there that understand and that I am not going crazy. I feel for your friend. Please let her know that she knew that this was always a possibility and that the steps still work. God has not forgotten her. She can no more control whether he stays or goes then she could control his use of alcohol. God Bless-- Ramona
