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Last night my husband was actually home & waiting on me when I got home from work. Met me at the door, even. Gave me a big hug and kiss. He had not been drinking, and had been off work about 3 hours. He is never home when I get home (always across the street at his friend's house, an A.) Even if I get home 5 minutes after he's gotten home, he's gone over there. Can't stand to stay home by himself. Wants to surround himself with A's.
Wanted to know if I wanted to go out to eat at our favorite Seafood restaurant. A nice one. Heck, yeah, I got changed, put on makeup, and away we went. Got to restaurant, ordered ICED TEA! OMG. He ordered Iced Tea. Had a wonderful dinner, steamed oysters, crab legs, salads. Talked, made plans for the weekend to do work on the house, he even told me I looked nice.
Tonight I called to tell him I was on my way home. He said he had forgotten to tell me his friend J's aunt died. This guy is his friend from 1st grade, the guy from the couple he always goes and stays with when he wants to get away from me. The people he stayed with when he left me for 7 weeks. I said, well, OK. Thought he was planning to go to the visitation on his own. I sure didn't want to go. Nothing was said about me going. I get home, thinking he's probably getting ready to go to the funeral home. Not.
He's across the street. I call in about 90 minutes after I get home to tell him I'm going to the store for plant dirt. He's like: "aren't you going to the visitation with me. It's J's AUNT who died." I'm thinking, OK, they are not even MY friends. I didn't ever even meet his aunt. I'm sorry she died, but I don't want to go to the visitation. Sorry if that sounds cold, but that's how I feel. So, he gets kinda hateful with me, then hangs up on me. I guess he was wanting me to drive. Not.
Can't believe he'd even want to go drunk. J's Mom(it was her sister who died) is a devout Christian, goes to church with my husband's mom. And he doesn't care about going with beer on his breath???? He couldn't even wait until he got home from the visitation to start drinking???? AGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Now I am sitting here with a big knot in my stomach, waiting for any minute for him to come thru the door and start in arguing with me.
I hate this so much. Last night, I saw the glimpse of the man I love, the man I fell in love with. Tonight, he is gone, and the Stranger has taken his place. And I don't like him very much.
I'm all quivery and shaky feeling. I feel like running away. I feel like getting in the car and leaving, and I know I can, but I'm just tired and want to be home. I hate fighting (and he can fight with me even when I say nothing back), I hate having to leave my home when he starts in. I hate the words he says, the way he looks. Please keep me in your prayers.
I am so sorry. You know I have been through that movie over and over. When I feel those shakes and butterflies it is normally when I am planning to do what I know is not right for me. If he didn't care one way or the other, what would you be doing?
Saying prayer for you right now....
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so so sorry that this happened. I have been where you are all year it seems, up and down, hopes up, down again. Everyone told me here to not expect him to be sober. I finally have gotten to that point. I was shaky, etc., thought I was losing my mind too!
I just can't take it anymore, either. I want to be home, it is my home and I am making the whole payment myself, but he is drunk too much. I am leaving the house everynight and have been all week and you know what? I feel TONS better just not revolving around him. It took a lot of courage, and I don't know if you have kids to take care of also, but if you could hit some face to face meetings or just do anything else than sit at home, you will feel better and stronger.
Please please take care of yourself, I feel your pain. It is so disappointing, but that is what As do, you know it. It is the acceptance of it that is so hard, and we want so much for them to be there, with us, enjoying life.... they need help.
Update: Thanks, rtexas, and hersh. I guess I'm not so much disappointed that he's drinking, I pretty much expected that, because he never even says he wants to stop. He doesn't think he has a problem. But, lately, once every week or two, he doesn't drink for 1 day. But it never, ever lasts for more than 1 day. So, I don't get my hopes up at all. It's just that I love to be around him when he's not drinking. Around here, alcohol is not discussed. It is just a very unwelcome guest (in my opinion). We don't talk about his drinking/not drinking, etc. There are a lot of things we don't talk about anymore. Alcohol has stolen my beloved husband.
Hubby did come home just a few minutes after I posted. I asked him where the visitation was. He was rude and ignored me.
You know, even tho I don't feel comfortable around those people, if he'd really communicated to me earlier when we spoke that he had wanted me to go, I probably would have planned on it. But he didn't, so I didn't.
When he came home, he had actually not had as much to drink this evening as I supposed he would have had. He came in, showered, picked out his clothes. Got dressed, and walked out the door. Just said "see ya later." and left. I know I am projecting here, but if things go as they usually do around those friends of his, he won't be home tonight. These are the same people who had the "Drunken Baby Shower" for their soon-to-be grandchild. I'm pretty certain, that as well as a visitation tonight, a lot of booze will be consumed later at their house, and games of pool will be played. Hey, any excuse for a party, huh?
Well, I probably would have gone if he had asked me earlier, if he hadn't spent the whole evening across the street, and if we had no plans to go to these people's house later. I got a lot of "IF's" don't I?
I hate this movie. I usually get the shakes and butterflies when I stand up for myself. I am such a wuss. But I think I am getting better. I used to not get the shakes because I just went along with whatever was going on with him. But later, I would get the anger and depression. So, right now, I'm shaky, but I'm not depressed. Sad, yes, because I so very much wanted the man I was with last night to stay for a little while. I miss him terribly, I love him so much. Last night when we were going to sleep, my eyes filled with tears, because I knew in my heart that tonight I would be greeted by a much different man than I was last night. And tonight, if he does come home, he will most likely sleep on the couch, and I will again sleep alone. He has a very jealous mistress: ALCOHOL!
Becky, i too know what feelings you are going through, I too have this good for a few days then the bomb explodes, and all hell breaks loose. I try to stay in my own space and just not argue with him when he is in the drinking mode, it is so terribly difficult for me to remain silent, and my heart rate goes up when he discusses how horrible the meal I cooked tasted and how I have no interest in him sexually, and how disgusting my family are.... the same old same old routine. I am also like you as I get very weary having to go somewhere to escape hearing all of this. I just want to remain in a peaceful homelike atmosphere with no yelling or arguing happening. The next morning he speaks so kindly, it is as if I am living with two different people. I go to Alanon and work the steps, but somedays still have difficulty with the day to day struggle. Please understand that you are not alone in your situation. I have been a member of this forum for awhile, but do not post that frequently. I also enjoy reading your posts.
I am sorry for what you are having to go through Becky. You are in the right place and you know it. One day at a time, one minute at a time, may be what it is going to take for some serentity. It is for me often times.
I wish I had seen this total over valuation of others early in the relationship. I argued with the A about it night and day. Now I joke about it. His mother said she wanted him to go work in the silver mine. Sometimes when I call I ask did you go to the silver mine is that why you are incommunicado.
Sometimes I think they just do this stuff to try to work on us. So they then can go out and drink the old my wife doesn't understand me number.
Eventually it got very boring. Now I no longer fight for the As company. I have my own. I have my own plans. You know he can't argue with you if you don't join in. Yet his actions are triggering off something in you.
When I can name that, the abandonment and put it out there I am no longer subject to his provocations and I feel powerful. Of course I don't feel powerful over him. He will drink regardless but where he is what he is doing no longer concerns me. I am free of the dance.
I am also I have to say pretty bored. All that fighting and stuff took up tons of energy. When that's gone I'm left with me. If I'm not obsessed with him I have to face me and I don't much like doing that. Nevertheless there are days like today when I enjoy my life, I like the weather, I like my pets, I like myself. I like my plans, I know the a can't hold me in tenderhooks anymore and I feel better.
You don't deserve to be sitting there feeling all wired up. You don't have to "respond". You can sit back and do and say nothing. You can let go of the shame. It is his choice to walk around with alcohol on his breath he doesn't represent you. I have to of course sound off to lots of people about the A. I don't sound off to him anymore though. I sound off to people who listen. The A isn't listening. When he has alcohol in his system you are guaranteed not to be heard.
There are parts of the A I like, he can be funny and sweet he is also an alcoholic and he is addcicted to chaos. He needs it. I don't. I was used to it I grew up in it. I learned to be powerful in it I learned to rescue, cajole, fix and surrender. Now if his life is in chaos mine doesn't have to be. I work more and more and more to separating myself from his life. That doesn't mean I gave up on him far from it. It also doesn't mean that I don't care if he drinks or not. I do he has a liver disease after all. I just don't kill myself with it anymore. I was killing myself I was out of control with anger, shame, fear and tension. I had to stop being that way. This detachment takes some work, it is sometimes like a marathon but there are days like today when it is so so worth it.
I am sorry that you are going thru this.. It just teases us when the man we fell in love with rears his head only to dissapear again in the disease.. Someone wrote once, ENJOY the good times and do whatever you need to trying to get thru the tough times. I think you are doing great !! :)
This rollercoaster ride we call addiction is no fun. I hate rollercoasters anyway. Just when you get a glimpse of what was or can be, it hits you in the gut! That's when I go back to Step 1. I hate being powerless though.
Just keep doing what you are doing. None of this is your fault. I know you know that, but sometimes we need to hear that anyway. Enjoy the moments for what they are. They are good memories and are kept close at heart for a life time.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the kitties for us.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
{{{to Becky}}}