The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never been here before, and it feels weird. My friend sent me the link. My mom is an Alchoholic and today, a short while ago, she crushed my feelings again. I called to give her some "good" news and by the end of the brief conversation, she tearily announced that I am nothing but stress to her and that's all I've ever been. She reeled off every hurtful experience I've ever shared with her. According to her, I only call her when I'm having a problem and she feels like I treat her like pond scum....and then she hung up on me. I felt like I was hit with a baseball out of left field.
I'm 46 years old and I've gone through some tough times like all people do. In my deepest of aloneness and wanting to feel connected to someone who is supposed to love me, I think twice, double, ten times and then I call her looking for love and empathy. Maybe she'll come through for me this time I think. 46 and I still want my Mommy. Does it ever go away?
I've never asked her for help. Period. I made the mistake of doing that once. She still thinks I should be taking care of her like I did until I moved out when I barely turned 18. My younger sister took over that role and she gets upset with me because I don't play into it.
I've got enough stories like most of you, that could fill a novel and most of them aren't uplifting. I firmly believe that God has a purpose for my life and if the story plays out like it does most times, it'll end up helping others. He's the Man!
I can detach most times, but this one took me off guard and left me feeling I don't know what.
Welcome to MIP - so glad that you decide to join our family, but hate that you have been affected by this horrible disease of alcoholism/addiction.
No one can hurt us like our loved ones. Here we try not to look for comfort, understanding and/or love from those who don't have it to give - we try to learn to have those needs met from a power greater than ourselves, which could be God, an Al-Anon group or our MIP family, a sponsor, working the 12 steps of recovery, recovery literature and sometimes we can even get the comfort we need from within ourselves.
We did not learn to do this overnight & still struggle with it sometimes, but the love and support that we have found helps us learn to live happy, joyous and free even in the darkest days.
I hope that you will continue to post, read others' post, and seek help - a path to recovery is not easy, but for me it has been a better way to live,
One day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My mother could do stuff to me much like this. My elder sister too. Some of my grief about my mother is that not only was she not a mother to me as a child but not as an adult too.
I gain more insight into how she manipulated all the time. It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your mother. Of course it is difficult to deatch from a mother. Stephen Levine who teaches meditation calls that lifting the 300 lb weight. I start with the 5 lb weights and work up to the 300 lb ones.
Detaching from my mother has been a decades long interlude for me. I went to therapy, I went to ACA meetings I read books, I talked about it, I cried about it, I got angry about it.
I don't think it comes right overnight. Why are you setting yourself up.
We all make mistakes. I made one mistake one time and let my guard down around the A's mother. She lunged for me. She will never get that opportunity again not in person. I can learn from my mistakes. I do not have to punish myself for them for ever.
Thanks for responding. I've never gone to an Alanon meeting. For some reason I'm intimidated. My life has been so weird. Did you ever feel that way? I think I've tried to just "accept" my situation and move forward, but obviously, I'm not really doing that
You brought up a VERY good question. Why do i keep putting myself out there? I try to keep in mind that my mom has a disease and I try to rise above it. I want "her" to know that she's loved. When it's all said and done and we're at the pearly gates, I want to know that I didn't abandon her the way she did me.
Guess I need to find a group, huh? Thanks so much for listening.
First of all a big welcome to MIP. This board is a wonderful and safe place to vent your frustrations and intract with a godsent group of people who understand what you are talking about.
This program and this board has been a true lifeline for me.
When I feel the need to share something with people who I don't "respond" well. I do it in writing. I get to express my joyful news, and they can keep their belittling sentiments to themselves.
Since "my" need to let them know, I guess it really doesn't matter what they think about it. Just a thought.
I hope you will come back and keep posting. The power in this board is in the folks who read and post. You just upped our effectiveness by 1.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow! Nail on the head for me. I think I know how you feel of "I don't know what". It is a tough one when it comes to my mom. She can become so vicious at times. She can take me down in a second no matter how serene I am. Could. Wasn't too lon ago that she did.
I did have to detach from her a great deal. It was very hard. My #1 reason, I didn't want to reach my boiling point and go off and saythings to hurt her. I had a choice to either pick up that guilt she would threw at my feet or I could leave it where it sits.
My mom being the bing drinker, becomes very mean when she drinks wine, and a fighting marine when she has margarits. She has always been real bitter, drunk or sober. On occassion my mom is there for me when I need her most. She has the words I need to hear to make me feel better. Other times, when I really need her comfort, she will take me down. Very bad.
I love her awful. I do try to call her just to see how she is doing. Find out what is going on in her world. Still I often hear, I only call to give her grief. (Used to)
This last time she had crossed a huge boundary with me and knew it. I didn't not call her to punish her. Like I said, so I didn't hit that boiling point with her. I didn't call and wouldn't answer for a long while. We did eventually talk and work through a lot of it.
We have been talking pretty much everyday for the last couple of months. My guard is up though. Based on past experiences with her, she is going to take me down. I keep expecting it to happen. I am enjoying the time she is allowing me to have with her though and I think God for that.
This program has helped fill the void many times, and continues to fill them everyday.
