The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last couple of years finances have been a huge huge issue for me. I have had one job from hell after another. I had one boss who actually spit in my face because she was so angry she became hysterical and all her spittle went everywhere. I feel like I have to hell and back with them. I also feel like I have learned boundaries, limits and my own limitations like no other time.
This last few months I have been working at a hotel chain and it is really super hard work. I did not think I would last a week never mind a month. I have been htee three months now. I used to manage it by hating it and waiting for the day I could leave. For a while that worked ok for me. I was doing relief work, relieving people when they were on their days off. Then certain people got fired or left or something came up. I found myself being called in more to work. Then I started to see the seeds of overinvolvement. Meantime I have been trying to find other work. I interviewed at lots of jobs and did not do that well on interviews. I think some of it was that I was depressed and my depression was coming across in the interviews.
I persisted nonetheless. Lately I have been looking into retail. I went on several retail job interviews and tried to get a job nearer to my house. I work at night 4 nights a week so it would work better for me if I could have a job nearer to my house. I went on an interview this week for that. I did not know how I would manage it because they ask for a specific color shoe and I don't have any. If I have to stand all day I need really an orthopedic shoe and that is more expensive for me to buy. Nevertheless I was willling. I did not rule anything out. I was willing. I did not allow myself to fall into despair over money. Nevertheless this last month I had to borrow some because I had the flu, had medication I had to buy and I was exhausted. The A was needless to say being totally unbearable during all that time. He would scream shout create havoc and more. I just let go of that he would be there for me on any level at all. I engaged with him as little as possible.
So this week I heard I may have a job that will help me out tremendously. It is not the salary I need just yet but it is a little more money than I would get at retail level. I am glad to say it would also not mean me having to shell out a hundred dollars for shoes I can't afford.
I am in real financial need at the moment so I would probably have to continue with the job at the hotel for the time being. It would also mean that I do not get to go to see the therapist I see in the day time. I would have to switch to someone else in the evening if the job continues. Nevertheless I would have more money. I am a long long long long way from having the options I need to move out from the A but every little move helps me along the way. I would be able to afford to get glasses and start dental work that would really help! I could think of life without a tooth ache!
I will be really grateful I do not have to do retail. The over committed part of me wants to work till I drop and have money. The sane part of me knows I can at most do probably 50/55 hours a week at most. I have also to be aware of the physical part of the job if I stand all day I will be very very tired. I may not want to acknowledge it but I will be.
There's a fine line between working to live and sanity. Working 2 jobs, 50+ hours per week, and really not getting ahead anyway takes a huge toll on a person. Not healthy for anybody. Good luck with your job search, wherever it may lead.
Yes I would agree there is a limit. In 2007 I will be free of one financial obligation the truck the A currently uses. I will be free of paying for it. Of course I still have to pay for the repairs for it too and a friend help me with that. I also have debt.
I have lived in an area where the recession has been deep and entrenched. I make less than half what I made a few years ago. I make very very little at the hotel, nevertheless I make something.
I think for a long time I got so depressed I could not work at all. I stayed home and found a lot of excuses for not working. So my bills went unpaid and I got in more debt. Then I would get into places where I would pay the A's bills when he was sick. Needless to say the A didn't help me one iota, not one bit when I was depressed, he just raged at me and blamed me and blamed me for everything.
I have stopped doing that. This past montht he A didn't pay the phone, the internet was down. I live on the internet for support, before I would have buckled and paid it. This time I didn't partly because I would have to borrow to do it. The A had me in a fox hole on that one for years. I picked up for him. I do not do that now. I waited it out he paid the phone bill the internet went back on. I did not cave, I felt the pain of not having the internet but I was not there to pick up and rescue him. I stopped that pattern which was so so self destructive to me.
I think for me it will be one long slow climb out of the hole I got myself in with depression, with finances, with isolation and more. I have a lot of strategy around my climb, I have hope to get more ftf support. I have hope to go to more meetings (as I work less rather than more).
I do have plans and one is not to overload myself with work and get sick.
Good luck and love with everything you are going through. You sound like one hard-working lady, and you sound like you set your boundaries well. It is so tough having bills with someone who won't pay or be responsible, and you have to shoulder it. I admire your strength. It takes a lot, too, to get up, and out of that depression and isolation and get going again. To get busy and do something instead of sitting in the dread.
It sounds like you know your options out there, and that you will do as much work as possible and not overload yourself, hopefully. Too much is draining also... may HP watch over you at this trying time. I hope things improve for you....
