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What is controling behavior really? If I trick, beg, plead or demand someone do "something" I am trying to control them, right?
There are a number of behaviors that bother me in my wifes version of this disease. It dawned on my during last nights "session" that most of the seperate behaviors that I see as the disease in her are mostly for one purpose.... to control everyone.
If she is unable to gain that control, she becomes hysterical. Guess I did to, and still do slip sometimes.
Just a random thought that I wanted to throw out there.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 12:17, 2006-10-19
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think if you beg, plead and demand something that is controlling behavior. There are so many things that happened earlier this year that I projected onto the A - that were horribly controlling - raging, jealousy, etc. - thank goodness for this program. There is peace most of the time now, because I have changed my behavior.
But when the A controls they are so out of control they don't know they are doing it. I realize that my AH has control of me (he doesn't demand anything of me) but he is dependent on me for so many things. He always expects me to just be home when he is there, etc. - Now I am letting go of that and leaving almost every night to detach from the drunkenness and just take care of myself. It is weird, I am becoming braver and just plain feel better. He has less control over me, and the disease has less control. I think space apart is good.
I know you are having a hard time, remember the distance apart now may be just what you need and what she needs to face her disease head on, to be desperate to get help.
I have been told that I was a control freak because I like things done a certain way. My ex always says it is my way or the highway. But he does not see his own controlling behaviors at all. I guess it depends on exactly what you are trying to control. I have found that trying to control others is a huge waste of energy! When I let that go my serenity level went through the roof. Especially when you try to control an A or their disease. I have heard that we try and control the little things because the big thing (alcoholism) is there and we cannot control that. I heard someone say at a meeting one time that he just did not want to be so obsessed with how the dishes go into the dishwasher! I laughed because my mom is obsessed with that and I had never considered it being linked to alcoholism. So sure she is getting hysterical...she has lost control of you. I agree with the earlier post. Get away from her as much as possible for your own sake. When is she moving into the apartment? Is there an end in sight? Are you going to be financially responsible for her going forward? These are the things I would be trying to get control of if I were you!
Trying to control other's behaviors, or a situation, my home, my finances, work, school, and the kids was all part of the real underlying feeling of how out of control I felt. If the A spent time away from home, or made a purchase of some sort, or went out drinking with a buddy. The uneasy feeling of losing control would take over. That anxiety manifested itself in ways that caused such tension and turmoil in my home. The A can still pitch a fit, scream, yell, cuss, and now I know when he does it he can't say I don't feel heard, or I feel misunderstood, or I feel like you are trying to control me again. This program has helped me to take it easy. When I begin that feeling of obsessive thinking and start critiquing and nit picking everything my A or family members do, then I know I'm slipping and need to bring in the focus to me. I clean my house, read, play with the kids, watch television, or talk on the phone when I get those feelings now. Distance will help you to put more of these things into a different perspective, you'll begin to see the fear and anxiety your AW has when she begins controlling or raging. Take care of you too.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I guess you are right the insanity of alcohoism...the alcoholic acts/reacts one way, causing the alanon to act/react another. Is it control? manipulation?
Thank HP for alanon, for the awareness that we have a choice to join in the choas or not.
Just for today...I will not join in! I will do _______ instead.
Hmmmm, if I could only control myself, I'd be a lot better off! LOL
In my relationships, both current, and past, I have been guilty of using tears, threats, sulking, etc. to try to control people, to make them do what I want or need them to do. And then I got (get) irate, because they just do what they darn well want to. And I have spent all that energy for nothing. Being "in control" of other people is very time-consuming and exhausting. And it just plain doesn't work.
I never got anything I wanted or needed by begging, pleading, crying or threatening. All I got was a huge headache, and a huge tummy-ache, and more feelings of being worthless.
Thank God I am learning a new way of life. A new me.
Oh, and Justme, I had to smile about the dishes being put in the dishwasher correctly. My mother, God bless her, does that. She is 86, and lives alone. When I go visit her a couple of times a year, if I put the dishes in the dishwasher, she will spend 30 minutes re-arranging them. If I put leftovers in the fridge, same thing. If I am helping cook a meal, she will take a knife out of my hand, and replace it with another one, or put up the bowl I am using and get me out one that "works better". OMG! My Dad was an A. Can you tell??? This little 4'10" 85 pound woman tries to control EVERYTHING IN HER PATH! No wonder I always tried to control my ex-husbands. No wonder they became ex's. LOL
I have learned that control and manipulation are not absolute don'ts. Motivation behind these devices is important. I have been told that at times I have been controling and manipulating. When I asked how the outcome was for the other person the majority said "oh fine." When I sense that another person is trying to sell me on their want/need or idea I don't automatically resist (I use to be a very oppositional/defiant person and was always in that mode) due to this program releasing me of the "fear of" that I used to live with, today I can listen with an open mind and consider what is being handed to me before I decide if I want to go along for now. I may not later. I am told in the closing of every face to face AFG meeting that if "I keep an open mind in will find help." That was a program manipulation over my fear other others and their ESH and today because it works continually in my life "I" use it to control my behavior. When I participate there is no control other than vertical and that is the way I want it.
Oh I did the pleading and screaming stuff. It got me nowhere.
The As mother does the screaming stuff. I saw that firsthand recently with her screaming over the wedding stuff. She called it low key. Most of the time she was on one scream after another.
And in between she would go into bliss with her new husband.
I think I did that plead scream, denial. Its a pattern. I think the A does it. I know I used to put up with it. Now if he screams I give him the least amount of attention possible. I show very very little emotion.
Do I fall off the waggon. Frequently. I have my meltdowns. They are just not on the hour every hour they once were.
To make a really long story about my life short (and this may only apply to my life)...
Controlling is an attempt to manipulate another into doing what I want them to do, or what I think is right for the other person. I am not able to change anyone else. I am only able to change myself.
Setting boundaries of what I will and will not accept in my life is NOT controlling the other. I am only setting boundaries to help me with myself. I am NOT trying to fix them or change them when I set my boundaries.
LOL