The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been on the forum for a while but today I needed to come back. It is abad day today. I have been going to f2f meetings for Al-Anon and ACOA, they have been helpingme but my biggest problem now is being able to share with my wife. Back in March of 2006 when I realized that I was not normal thanks to my wife. I have been reading a few books about ACOA and for some reasons I m still unable to be open with my wife and give her the emotional support she needs.
I think a good first step would be to define firstly what it is you are looking to open up emotionally about. Get as specific as possible. Growing up in alcholic dysfunction, many of us are taught that feelings, thoughts, our innermost selves are "bad," "dirty," "wrong," "shameful," et cetera. In reality, our innermost selves are very sensitive and delicate, and require very special tending; it is the inner child that was probably screamed at mercelessly by our drunken parents, or abused terribly for simply being ourselves, or worse.
I think, in my experience, this is where a sponsor is absolutely invaluble. A sponsor allows me to make mistakes about being vulnerable and being myself and discovering myself with a person who is also working on letting themselves be themselves; who is also working on the steps to open themselves up; in short, if I persue working with a sponsor, what I am persuing is seeking the spiritual solution to human problems using spiritual tools. And if I'm sponsoring myself, I've got a fool for a sponsor--my best solutions did not lead to serenity; they led to insanity.
Lastly, if I'm having serious problems and expericing numerous roadblocks toward accessing my emotions, naming my emotions, and owning my feelings/experiences, I may need to seek professional help. A professional can help me sort out what is "mine" and what was "forced" onto me by the family dysfunction of alcholism. Alcholism often times makes "caretakers" out of the unqualified; so, working with someone who **is** qualified to point out where my responsibility is and isn't can help me to grow. and surrender.
It is nice to know that it is not just me. I have such a hard time opening up, as soon as she says something about the way I am sharing, usually that it is not enough, I shut down. I find it so hard to catch myself before I do shut down. It is automatic for me. Do you have any suggestions how to become more aware of it before it does happen or how to catch myself before it is too late?
I am sure you have had years of your trust being violated. I am sure through the program you will learn to trust a little more and share a little more to those close to you. Keep coming back. You are just as normal as the rest of us.
If you are anything like me, it doesn't help that you have the man gene either. I confused manlyness with a lack of display on my emotions. Like I said ... confused.
I grew up with the isms all around me and we just simply didn't share with each other. My father has only said the words I love you to me, once that I remember. If I hug him now, he almost doesn't know what to do.
We were just simply not touchy feely people at all. Doesn't mean I didn't have emotional needs that needed attention, just that nobody wanted anything to do with it.
I think the first time I really explored it with any confidence was here. Now it's just boiling out like a fizzed up can of coke. LOL
One phrase that really applies to this is: "... your opinion of me is none of my business" If you feel a need to express your feelings on something, is that really the same as having them agree? It is very freeing to not need others to validate you. This program will help you with that.
As my self confidence and self worth are being bolstered, I care less and less what others think of me. My HP and I have that task to deal with.
Keep coming back, we need you here too.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know in part what you are going threw. At the beginning of the program for me one of the hardest things for me to deal with was my self estem. I doubted everything and everyone. I had a hard time knowing when it was time for me to finally open up, the courage to take that step.To get help to start to find a way to a better me . To just learn to have fun. I don't give advice but I will say great job on searching for answers and help . I had to learn to trust myself and my HP enough to show me the way. I wish you lots of ES&H on your journey. I am glad you are here!!!!!
I'm an ACOA, too. I found some books by Friel & Friel that I found helpful in guiding me through how to open up to my husband.
It's hard for ACOAs to open up because it's hard for us to trust. We don't want to expose any part of us because we can get hurt (because we've been hurt so many times in the past). My husband was VERY hurt that I didn't trust him. That was his way of telling me that I needed to open up to him.
I didn't open up to him overnight - but I did start with little things - and it was gradual. I am very fortunate that my husband was patient with me. It sounds like your wife is willing to wait.
. I doubted everything and everyone. I had a hard time knowing when it was time for me to finally open up, the courage to take that step.To get help to start to find a way to a better me 
. To just learn to have fun. I don't give advice but I will say great job on searching for answers and help 
. I had to learn to trust myself and my HP enough to show me the way. I wish you lots of ES&H on your journey. I am glad you are here!!!!! 