The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I begged and pleaded with the A to listen to me...."I knew what I was talking about." To get help for his drinking problem. I struggled for many years dealing with his progression in his disease, and became more insane. I thought I knew "how to get him to stop" trying everything within my power to do so. I loved this man, my husband of many years, and I was going to do everything within human capicity to help him. I made a fool out of myself, I became more insane with my actions, and reactions, and became totally obsessed with this challenge. It was a war that I found out later I was not going to win. It made "me" sicker than the A himself, however I was not going to give up, as I thought I knew all the answers to all the problems, and it was my job to solve it, fix it, cure it, etc etc. Pre-alanon this was me. I knew it all,HA! I had the answers if he would only listen! Years of alanon has taught me I cannot get inside of anothers head, I cannot possibley know what is right or wrong, and I definately do not have all the answers, and that has been quite an experience to be that humbled, and quite a relief to finally let go of my obsession.
Today I am a more saner person, I act and react more rationally. I had to admit that I did NOT know all the answers. Thanks to alanon and my alanon friends I am finally free from trying to fix everyone to my liking, trying people to think like I do. Today I understand that I can only fix myself and nobody else, and that I do not have all the answers as I first thought.
What an excellent reminder that not only do I not have all the answers, I don't have to!
How distorted my thinking was when I thought I had to know all and be all. Insanity was part of everyday living. I can remember the times that I demanded that the alcoholic not leave the room while I was talking.... how arrogant I was. I had no skill at communicating what I was truly wanting and had the expectation that he really needed to obey what I was telling him to do. Wow.... glad I can laugh at myself now!
Our slogan "how important is it" helps to remind me that some things are important to me personally but that it doesn't necessarily mean that it is important in the big picture of life. "Easy does it" gives me permission to walk away when I want to engage in destructive behavior (such as thinking I have all the answers).
Thinking that I had all the answers and that I had to have all the answers was total bondage!
I so relate to your post ((gg))! I wanted to mold the world into my vision of what it should be. I never remember taking into consideration others choices. Now that statement makes me feel embarassed. Can you say controlling?
Especially with my children, I had to learn how to mind my own business. Mind My Business? They were my business. or so I thought. I see especially with my son who learned before alanon to let my voice go in one ear and out the other, that he will come to me and ask my advice. That would have never happened before I got into alanon. Who would ask for that haraging. LOL Now I usually ask what his sponsor suggests. I don't want that hot potato.
Amen! I knew I didn't have all the answers. What I didn't know was how naive I was when it came to this disease as well as my disease. I thought I was prepared for when he came out of rehab and the chances that he would relapse. What I didn't realize was how I badly I would react to it. So while I knew I didn't have all the answers, I didn't know that the answers I had weren't the answers to the questions I needed to be asking! Talk about bumfuzzled! Thanks for the reminder.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think one of the keys in my dysfunction, that I am slowly learning to surrender, is the belief that "If I don't have the answers, no one does." Or, "If I don't know the answer, I need to make it up." Or, "If I don't act like I know what I'm doing, I'm gonna be found out to be as stupid as I really am." And what all these beliefs really speak to is the painful reality that for an extensive period of time in my life I really DID need to know all the answers; I really DID need to know what I was doing. I HAD to be the adult, think on my feet, make up BS and act like I was a walking, talking PhD with a high school diploma.
And so when I hear us talk about humility, which is what you're really asking about here, GG, it scared the hell outta me. I didn't want you to know who I really was; I didn't want you to know my true limitations (I was very comfortable playing God and trying to convince you that I was the next Messiah, tyvm); I didn't want you to know how much trying to play God had blown up in my face (My mother and my father never, NEVER, missed a moment to gloat, humiliate and shame me for my mistakes, and I just KNEW [without even giving you a chance, keep in mind] that you would do the EXACT SAME THING); and FOR SURE, I absolutely DID NOT want you to know how much I RESENTED the martyr role, I RESENTED taking care of your life (never mind that you DID NOT ask me!), I RESENTED not attending to my own self (I can't count the nights I was in bed at 2, 3 am), I RESENTED being everyone ELSE's caretaker but MY OWN!
So for me, admitting I have only the answers I have is all at once liberating as it is terrifying. Its asking me to really say "I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just working here." I think really good example is my African history class. Some of you know that my professor for the class was trapped in London for most of this term--that she JUST got back last night! It was awful! For 3 weeks we had NO ONE; then for 2 weeks we had a professor who did NOT want to teach this class; now we have our professor back, and she has to start from scratch! I cannot count how many times last night I said "Professor Kannan? I don't understand what you want us to do for the remainder of the term. Could you explain it 1 more time?" Lucky for me, ALL of us were confused, frustrated, worried about how our grades are gonna come out, and really, really, nervous--I mean, 3 weeks left of term and NO clue what's going on!
But not having all the answers means trusting things will work out--for example, the professor said she will write an explict email to all of us sating what she's looking for and what she'll accept for the remainder of the term, in terms of work, papers, et cetera. So I mean, it's peaceful, but it's petrifying.
I am willing to admit that now.I was just thinking this morning how much more peaceful my home is.I'm still living with my AHsober,but we never argue anymore.There's no yelling,no doors slamming.No anger.Fewer tears.
What has changed is 1. Alanon for me, and 2. hub is going to 2 meetings a day,doing service,and reading his big book.He still has the online 'friend'.We still are in separate rooms.The marriage is still over.But we have separate money,even separate food.We get along better now than we did a year ago before all this stuff came out about the girlfriend,etc.
I think the biggest change is in me.Altho he was dry drunk last year and that was pretty awful,most of my misery came from the way I dealt with that.My reactions.My controlling.( or rather trying to control).Control is an illusion based on fear.We cannot control anything but ourselves.We deceive ourselves into thinking we can but in reality other people can do whatever they want and life will still happen while we are making other plans.
This morning I realized that I am no longer "trying to run his life" as he puts it.It does not interest me anymore because it does not affect me anymore.I am taking care of myself and will continue to.It's ironic that after I took my 'hands' off his life every thing settled down.None of the awful things I feared would happen if I stopped controlling and being hypervigilant happened.
He's fixing the transmission in my car.I still do all the house/yard work.( except for his room which is a pig sty) We sometimes go out for breakfast together.I am helping him learn to balance his checkbook and pay his bills.When he is finished with the tranny we will get back to the house and finish the floors,the stairway,and the mouldings.Then in the Spring the house will go up for sale.
I am not leaving my house until it is sold.I am grateful for the peace we have found so that we will split on a friendly note.I still have issues with the separation but I am much,much better with it now.I know I will be ok.
Thanks for the post,sorry I got carried away. love dru
(((gg))) Thanks for the post. Yep! I had all the answers previous to Alanon. If he would just (fill in the blank) things would be fine. The whole control thing is a paradox. I didn't know squat....lol
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This was a hard lesson, but one I learned when my brother (an A and drug addict) attempted suicide on my 19th birthday.
I learned that I didn't have all of the answers, and I had absolutely no control over the actions and behaviors of the people in my life.
I learned that I did have control over my own actions. (I moved out - which was an EXTREMELY big deal because I was raised by an Italian family who migrated to America. Single daughters do NOT move out under any circumstances! I became the black sheep in my family. But it was better than living with the addicts in my house.)
I cannot count how many times last night I said "Professor Kannan? I don't understand what you want us to do for the remainder of the term. Could you explain it 1 more time?" Lucky for me, ALL of us were confused, frustrated, worried about how our grades are gonna come out, and really, really, nervous--I mean, 3 weeks left of term and NO clue what's going on!