The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had to come and finish the soul cleaning that started tonight.
Today was soooooo long.
I am training a new employee and add to that today is our client walk in day so they all came in today.
Well when I got the kids to be I started cleaning, babysitter will be here tomorrow so I can go to class. LOL I have 3 kids I don't know who I am trying to fool with a spotless house, but that is a whole different post I guess.
Anyway---
I went back to my bedroom to put something away and saw that my toilet had overflowed and there was nasty water all over the floor, oh and did I mention this was all at 9:30pm. I was just about done with the living room which was my main focus of cleaning.
So I started cleaning it up and I just felt so tired that all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, and not be cleaning up this gross icky water. Well before I knew it I started to cry I was cleaning and crying (lol what I sight that must have been). I almost stopped myslef from crying.
But I asked myself why? Why do I need to stop crying? Was the job disgusting? Yes! Was I tired? Yes! Has this been a really long month? Yes! Except for the night that I found the lump have I let myself cry? Not really! I deserved to cry, to let it out, and I did!
So I got the bathroom all cleaned and totally bleached. Then I took a super hot shower and scrubbed up. Now I am nice and clean and after my good cry feel so refreshed.
Crying isn't a sign of weakness, and I need to remember that. Crying is a release of the emotions I have built up. Crying is needed at times for me.
I realized tonight that I am still holding on to the unhealthy thinking that I have to be strong all the time. And when hubby is away like he is now I really force myself to be the strong one for the kids. I am not doing them any good at all by keeping up the facade, I am hurting me and that hurts them.
So I am going to finish this and crawl into bed and pass out, it is 11:30pm here and the babysitter isn't expecting the perfect house, and even if she was she so is not watching the perfect kids and I don't have to try to be perfect mom, because perfect mom would be up another hour to get the house done.
I just need to remind myself every once in a while that I am human and that psuhing my emotions down so much that I won't let them out until they are forced out is a truly harmful thing to do. So I saw another area to work on, I can't keep the emotions locked up.
Funny how a good cry can get ya thinking.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
It is amazing how good a really good cry feels. It's cathartic. I am one of those women who can cry watching a movie, but a really good cathartic cry is rare. So when it does come, I welcome it. This is one of my favorite quotes: "Crying only a little bit is no use. You must cry until your pillow is soaked. Then you can get up and laugh." Boy was that a moment when I read that. Thanks for the reminder.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so glad u had a good cry. I bet you had a great nights sleep too. Before alanon I didn't cry much. Now if the the feeling comes I let the tears flow. The release of pent up energy is unreal. I get myself wound up like an eight day clock and my to do list grows. Like you one more thing like the toliet turns into the straw that broke the camels back. ugh!
I had to laugh though..at least you were only cleaning the house for the babysitter. I was laughing at myself because I was betting I would have been cleaning the house for the house keeper.
I just read the post and had to smile, I remember years ago the boys were little and I was a single mom getting no support, working and trying my best to keep it all together. I opened a kitchen cupboard and one of the boys had spilled the rice bag....I cried and cried, couldn't stop. The boys use to tease me that I didn't cry over spilled milk but over spilled rice. I remember afterwards how refreshed I felt, just like you wrote. I had a melt down yesterday, 3 months since mom died, didn't know it was the anniversary, just was weepy when I awoke in the morning, cried on and off for 3 hours. I felt better afterwards. I wondered why is it that I feel like I have to put it on the "to do" list. I promised myself I will be more aware of when I need to let go. Take care! Your doing a Great Job!
I'm sorry you had a bad day, but YES, tears are strength someone told me once. I had a good cry yesterday also and felt better right away! We just have to do it once in a while.
It seems like those days come where everything goes wrong, and it just is not good! Hopefully today is a better one for you...
Keep on walking this journey, you are not alone and appreciated!!!
I feel lost and alone a great deal too. I am working pretty hard right now on decluttering and organizing and cleaning up. I know I wll be moving into a place where I will be workign more soon. I can count on the A for very little, well to make a mess that's about it. So I thought I would take advantage of some time and clean and organize and get rid of stuff. I need to do that on an ongoing basis. I feel immensely sad about it though. I so so longed to have a partnership. Instead I got well a mess.
I'm so glad you feel better. And you are so right, I too try not to cry ... thinking it will make things better when I really probably should just let it go sometimes. Thank you for the reminder.
Just the other week, when I was getting out of the shower I started to cry. I wasn't sad, or upset about anything, and I'm not a crying person at all. I thought, why are you crying? And I almost stopped myself too. I thought about this program and how we are allowed to feel what we are feeling, I cried for a good 10 min -- a hefty cry for me, lol, washed my face and took my daughter to a soccer game that was one of her best. I had the most fantastic day. And it all started out w/ a "good cry."
Well, yesterday must have just been the day for crying. My day was going along just fine when on my way home it dawned on me that Monday will already be a month since my brother died in a motorcycle accident. The tears came. I had to put them aside because it was also Parent Teacher conferences night. So, we all know they can only be put away temporarily!!! Tonite the minute I laid my head on the pillow there just wasn't no more holding back. I definitely feel a little better now. Now if I could just fall asleep! Gotta be up extra early tomorrow for daughters Cross Country Regional meet which happens to be 2 hours away. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend....now that we've shed our tears.
moment when I read that. Thanks for the reminder.