The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it that I am becoming so aware that I have absolutely NO self-esteem and haven't for a long long time? I guess awareness is part of this program, but I am really finding out things about myself that I guess are helping me to grow but opening my eyes even wider with fear. I have to pray for courage a LOT!
Little steps, but what a year of growth this has been. I don't know, I never knew how to set boundaries in the workplace, or with anyone really. I just went with the flow, did not want to be involved in any kind of conflict. Yes girl, yes girl. Very loyal to jobs and my one relationship I've ever had that seems to be dissolving before my very eyes.
It is weird how one day you are so strong, and the next you feel like you are mush, just dissolving from the weight of it all. I heard a great thing the other night, when you can't make a decision, decide NOT to make one. At least that is a decision. That's where I'm at.
I am reading so many Alanon books, and a new self-esteem book. I haven't been "alone" - not doing things with my partner, my soulmate, for years. It was always us, with the kids. Now he is either gone or gone because he's drunk.
So trying to step out and trying to make a good life for myself and get out of the house and it is really scary. Doesn't feel comfortable. I am so sick of myself and self-analyzing and yet I need to keep busy. Then you go to a meeting and find someone else who is devastated and you have been there, and it all makes it worthwhile to help someone.
All we can do is reach out to each other here and in face to face meetings. There is such desperation here and out in our lives, but we can reach out and try to be unafraid and ACT unafraid. That is the first step, coming here and trusting you guys. Thanks for that.... thanks so much....this is the biggest thing that has probably ever happened to me. It's hard to find the hope but when I come here, it is there every day.
Maybe we were triplets seperated at birth.. !! I have also uncovered that I have NO self esteem.. None !! I am afraid of the unfamiliar choas although makes me crazy at least i expect it.. As sad as that seems I think that is a fact, at least for me..
Lets pull together kiddo and really make a difference in OUR lives.. !!
In January I labled 2006 the year of change and boy did I hit the nail on the head on that one. :)
when someone here very subtly suggested my lack of self esteem when I first joined, I was surprised.....surely they didn't mean me? Then the shock and the realisation set in...And I thought I knew so much, fooled myself so much.
I spent a long time working with a self esteem book and did the exercises as best I could, some were too tough for me. I haven't finished the book yet, but I have learned a lot, realised a lot, been awakened.
I find I have stages of reading and trying to understand, and then stages (sometimes weeks) of not reading, not journalling and just contemplating. I used to scold myself for this and thought I should be working harder. I now have learned to accept. Sometimes I need the quiet times in order to grow.
We all have our different ways, but we are all going in the same direction.
Remember, we are all here for each other.
Your growth, Heidi, is an inspiration to me. Probably because my life is so similar to yours.
