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Well, I am usually pretty good at detaching from my ah. He does his thing and I don't say anything about it. I presume that eventually he will see the light and make a change. I blew it this morning!
Yesterday evening he was noticably intoxicated, went to bed early, was kind of irritating. I guess I have been harboring some resentment that I haven't worked through. This morning I was very calm and tried to empathize with his addiction. But I told him that I was concerned for his health (he has gained 50lbs this year and has cholesterol greater than 475). I said that I know he is still drinking heavily and I worry about his liver, pancreatitis, diabetes, heart attack, you name it! He complains constantly about being fat and out of shape. But HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!
He said that he didn't know that he was affecting anyone else in the house. I said that he might not care if he drops dead by age 50, but our daughter and I do! Then he apologized and said he would spend today at home getting "his first 24 hours under his belt." Which he does at least 2 times per month. Well, he didn't work today, but was intoxicated when I got home!
So...the point is I did not follow the program and it backfired. BUT>>>when do I get to tell him how I feel? How do I communicate my concerns? Is this topic just off limits? Any ESH?
I wish I had an answer for you as to how to talk to an A about their drinking. But I think I have learned here that you can talk all you want to them and it usually does no good. Makes them feel worse so they drink more. I think it is best for you to tell us how you feel and get it all out on this board or at f2f meetings. That way you will not be so tempted to let him have all your concerns and emotions.
(((baby))) I think like justme said, that it is very important for us to be able to come here, and say how we feel, or go to f2f meetings.
Sometimes, I wish so badly, that I could talk to my AH about how things are, but I also know from past experience, that all it will cause me is more grief. And that is one thing I don't need. It is like they "don't speak the same language" as we do. Our love and concern gets twisted and distorted in ways we never meant. So I have found it safest to voice my concerns for him here.
Have you ever tried writing your feelings down, in a letter to your A? Then just destroy it? I did that on this board a while back, and it helps me greatly to do that now and then.
And while we're on the subject of letters, my Mom wants my daughter to just be able, someday to forgive my AH for things he's done. Mom gets aggravated with my daughter (who is 30) for harboring so many bad feelings towards my husband. Mom feels it is harming my daughter to have these bad feelings, and not be able to let them go. So, Mom told me last week, she sat down and wrote my daughter (her granddaughter) a long letter, telling her how she ought to handle things, how she ought to forgive and forget, etc. Then she decided to tear it up! I told my Mom I write letters all the time, and destroy them. Burn them, or shred them, or take them to a fast food trash can where my A can't possibly find them.
You can write or type to your hearts content. You can cry, moan, nag, whatever you need to do at the moment. When you are done, if you are like me, you are drained. And it feels so much better.
Congratulations on recognizing your own weaknesses.
Remember the 3 C's---you don't cause it (the drinking OR his weight), you can't cure it, and you can't control it. I need to lose a few lbs. myself, and if my hubby even says anything about it, I want to shut him up fast. All it makes me want to do is eat a big fat donut.
He cares about me, he wants me to lose weight, and I want to, too. But no matter what he wants, I will only lose weight if I want to. He is not my Daddy. I am grown up and if I want to eat something not good for me, by golly I'm gonna do it.
Also remember---it's gotta be all about YOUYOUYOU!
And I can relate to you....when I don't follow the program, things sure can backfire!
We all have "things" that we do that we already feel bad about and want to stop. When someone else notices and says something....it just makes us feel worse. We can't stop whatever our "thing" is many times.
This is one way I can relate to an alcoholic. I know many of them want to stop, just cannot do it on their own. That is where HP comes in whether it is you, me, alcoholic if we are lucky to hit those knees and ask a power greater than ourselves.
Baby, just keep coming back. We may not have the magic words. We have experience, strength, and hope that may help ease your mind.....just as you may have the same for us. We cannot keep what we have gained in the program if we don't give it away. One day at a time.
In my opinion you did quite well. You expressed how you (and your daughter) were feeling, leaving the decision to change on him. I also don't think anything backfired as he could have and probably would have choose to drink that day anyway.
You might want to ask yourself a couple of questions though.... did you have an expectation that becasue you expressed how you felt that he would truly change immediately? Do you understand that what he said about getting his first 24 hours under his belt he meant it at the time he said it, but then the disease took over?
I too am one that needs to shed some pounds and yet I cannot even force change in myself. I can only go to my HP and seek His help in admitting I'm powerless over myself and cannot conquer this desire alone. Sometimes the harder we try, the harder we fall. I see that in myself and in my bf as we both battle the same disease of diabetes. You said something about your husband having diabetes as well... just a thought... alcohol can cause a drop in his glucose levels which also causes irrational behavior and fatigue, as well as depression. I know for myself in having to battle diabetes, chronic asthma, hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia that most days I have to take time out to rest just to make it through a whole day. It helps when my sugar levels stay at a managable number but also the pain from the fibro can be quite powerful. Sounds like he has alot of issues going on... and yes, sometimes we are quite controlled by them. Keep praying for him and seek peace from your HP for yourself.
Easy does it there. I've slipped so many times in my recovery that I'm lucky I have a lot of padding back there! The beauty of recovery is that we get to start all over again. A few steps back, a whole bunch foward. Progress not perfection. You did just fine. Be gentle with yourself. The will always rise.
I keep a journal when I need to tell AH something, but the timing isn't right. I do this journal in the form of letters: Dear ______, This is what's going on..... It helps me to get things out, and sometimes I will go back and read them. Perhaps you can talk to him in a sober moment. Or maybe try this journalling thing.
The best way to get things out is to get to f2f meetings, come here and post, do our on-line meetings. It's a healthy, cathartic and safe way to get things out.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The A I live with had two major medical issues. I used to be way way way over involved in all that. I was way way way over the line with worrying about him. At one point he had a panic attack and went to see if he had a heart attack. thank god by then I had the program.
I also bitterly resented his family who did nothing for him when he was sick. I would make myself sick with the humiliated rage.
I have had to take a huge back seat on the A's health. I have had to focus on my own health. How is yours by the way. Being totally worried sick about the A's health is a pretty draining thing.
I think detachment is a learned art. I have not stopped caring about the A's health. I also have no doubt that the doctors tell him repeatedly to not drink. He still does. He has a bad liver.
His mother just gave him 5 bottles of wine (kind of her huh?). I say nothing about that. Before I would have thrown them out and had a temper tantrum and exploded. I take care of myself now. I may care about the A's health. I also care about my own emotional health. I monitor that now and take care of that. There are certain subjects I don't discuss with him. I don't think it has to be one long conversation and confrontation anymore. I also don't think I will die if he drops dead. I will have a program to live by. I will have options I remember that. When I am in a place where I don't feel like I have options I am in a bad place.
The beauty of recovery is that we get to start all over again. A few steps back, a whole bunch foward. Progress not perfection. You did just fine. Be gentle with yourself. The 
will always rise.