The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was meeting with my sponsor last night and she and I were talking about procrastination. I have been seperated from my husband for almost a year but we tried working things out several times in that period. The last time that we were together was over 2 months ago and I still have not moved all my things out. I have been asked several times by different people why I'm taking so long to do this. When we first seperated I know the answer to that question was because I still was not ready to let go of the marriage. I still had some hopes that maybe, just maybe we would be able to work out all of our problems. We have had a history of getting into an argument and then not speaking for weeks but I was not ready to let go and knew it was just a matter of time before we were back together. Well this last time I said I have had enough and I won't go thru this anymore. So why is my personal belongings still there? I felt like I had finally let go this time. I have been doing so well. We have had limited contact in the past 2 months and I have faired much better than I have in the past or even thought I was capable of doing. I felt that after being in alanon for over two years I had finally grasp the meaning of Let Go Let God. Now for me, it is much easier to let go of a situation if I remove myself from the situation and have limited contact. Out of site, out of mind kind of thing. It's always worked for me in the past. I am now finding it more difficult to continue that way of thinking. First of all, I am finding that I am not dealing with the emotions that I need to deal with in order for me to be able to move forward. Now don't get me wrong, I have had my bouts of depression and crying spells but I feel that I am only scratching the surface. Now my sponsor has really got me thinking. I was quick to blame procrastination on my lack of not having the desire to move all my things out but it goes much deeper than that. I thought back on an argument that my A husband and I had a couple of weeks ago over the phone. We all know how manipulative and cunning the A's can be. What amazes me is that I still allow him to do this to me. It's not as easy but he still can leave me with that not knowing what hit me feeling. In the midst of our argument my husband told me that he loved me and was still very much "in love" with me. Now he used all the manipulation tactics he could throw at me but I could, for the most part, see right thru them. Now even though I believe my husband loves me in his own little way, he has used this in the past to win me over when nothing else has worked. It's like when he feels that the manipulation tactics he has always depended on are not working he'll throw something out there, hoping I am going to bite. And guess what, I usually do. Now I consider myself a somewhat intelligent person and know that my active A husband is just not good for me right now, but it takes a little more to convince my heart. So, rather than take a chance on my heart taking over, I have chose to distance myself until I know that my mind is strong enough to keep me from going back into a marriage that is just not good for me. This is definately something I need to work on.
I'm right there with ya sister!!! Letting go is hard.
You don't have to hurry, you will get your stuff when you're good and ready. You have made lots of progress and I know it's easier when they are not around. Eventually when you're ready you'll get your stuff.
It is just stuff! I left a bunch of stuff when I divorced the first time around. It took me forever to get the emotions out and they still come bubbling up when I least expect it. Just do the best you can sweetie. It is hard to separate the heart and the mind. So often my head screams no and my heart well it goes on it's own little path. I for one have been there. You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.
