The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I forget just how sick he is. My a husband has been completely sober for a little over 2 months--he has been sober from alcohol for 3 months. There are days his grouchiness really can get to me, or his mood swings and of course his selfishness, but then I think, yeah but he has come so far. I still try to handle most things on my own, b/c I am fearful of him feeling overwhelmed by life--today is his first court date for one of his charges. I didn't think about that this week until last night. Last night he was definitely on edge.
We are in money troubles like so many others--his solution was for me to file bankruptcy. Well that solution made me angry and very resentful, but I tried to handle it in a very diplomatic way. I tried to talk to him about it on Monday. I told him that if I had to file bankruptcy things around the house would get worse. I would definitely harbor a good bit of resentment. I thought things went well. I was just trying to share my perspective of things. I didn't yell, I didn't blame him, but I did tell him I wished he would try to see things from my point of view.
So last night he tells me to do whatever, but don't share stuff about finances and things b/c he can't handle it right now. He just can't help me with all of that. His sponsor also talked to me and told me to be careful b/c my a husband is used to running away and dealing witht things with alcohol and drugs so this (life) is really hard for him.
I was pretty disappointed and sad last night--still am today I guess. I just thought that things went o.k., but he felt like I was pressuring him. He told me he feels like he is losing his identity now that he is sober b/c he is having to give up so many things--drinking, drugging, his old friends, his old profession, his chickens. I feel sorry for him, but at the same time I don't--this is just life!!! I don't want him to go back to using b/c of all the stress, but I can't take life away from him!
I guess I said all of this to say--even when they are doing well--their character defects are still there and need to be worked on and they are still sick.
Thank you for reminding me why I don't want to ever do that again! Sounds like he can't 'handle' anything right now. You do what you need to do for you and let him figure his own stuff out! For me that meant moving out. Now the only thing I worry about is if I'm gonna have enough money to pay the bills but at least I know if I leave it in my purse it'll still be there in the morning when I go to get it at the cash register....
You don't know what is meant for you, all you can do is the best you can with what you have. If you have to file bankruptcy or deal with bad credit sometimes there's no avoiding that but it's not a death sentence.
I know exactly what you mean.My AH has been sober almost 17 years.You'd think he would be able to handle things by now, but that is not really the case.About 5 years ago ( sober 11 years) he decided to start a business with a coworker.It started out ok but after about a year it dropped off the earth.Suddenly he was not bringing home any paychecks.I did not make enough to pay all the bills so things started going downhill.I made the calls to the creditors,made the arrangments, etc.Every time I tried to talk to him about it he said he couldn't handle it.He said I would figure it out.I felt so alone and the stress was tremendous.The house almost went to forclosure.I finally went to a free credit counseling service who recommended we file bankruptcy.That was the blackest day of my life.
I am a responsible (maybe too much) person who pays my bills.Walking away from them made me sick.It was,however,the only option we had.Everything was falling 3 or 4 months behind while I struggled to make arrangements but then found I could not keep them.It was one of the worst times of my life and I faced it alone.He was there but he was no support.
Now we are going to be separating.Last month we separated the money.In stead of putting it together,he has his and I have mine.We each pay half the common bills ( house,utilities,insurance,etc) but he pays his credit cards and I pay mine.I have been teaching him how to balance his checkbook and make payments.He is like a teenager just starting out with all this.Hopefully by the time the house sells and we split he will know how to handle it but as you know there are always things you have to deal with and he is inexperienced thru no one's fault but his own.
I know that early sobriety is a very difficult time and AA usually advises no major changes the first year.Your husband may not end up as helpless as mine but at some point they must start to contribute and take responsibility. ( grow up).
Sobriety does not make everything rosy.I wish it did.They come out of the drinking fog and have to deal with life without the crutch.You will need alanon more than ever now.Take it from someone who didn't stay with the program and now wishes she had.
love and many hugs dru
p.s. the free credit counseling services can be a huge help.They call the creditors and make arrangments for you and can get your payments reduced.You make one payment to them and they pay the bills.It is probably better for your credit than bankruptcy.Just be sure you watch them and make sure they are making the payments to your creditors as they are supposed to.And check them with the better business bureau online.
I'd like to meet this sponsor. No sponsor I know would EVER give ANY sort of advice to ANY spouse about what they think SHE should do or say. Furthermore, I would advise this sponsor that HIS job is to help your HUSBAND stay sober. Not you. You have your own problems to worry about.
Having said that, what gets your husband financially off the hook? was he under the mis impression that just because he quit alchol that life was gonna be roses and daises? Excuse me? Hello! If he's got some immediate amends to make, he can do that. It's not your job to clean up your credit if there's nothing to clean up--you don't mop a clean kitchen floor do you? Furthermore, you've got a program, you've got us, you're doing your job. Your husband can do what he needs to do to get sober and stay there, or not. Sooner or later, the consequences will catch up with HIM. The courts will be looking for HIM, not you. And they'll want their money.
In the mean time, consult a certified financial planner to help you sort out his from yours. That way a professional has taken your financial inventory and you can sleep in peace knowing what you financially need to do if anything. People at places like Merril Lynch, your local bank qualify. Or as Drucilla suggested the credit councelors.
Wow I can relate to this one. I have had to work overtime to separate out my finances from the A's. I am lucky that we are not married. I also had to work overtime not to step in and help. The resentment for me was crippling.
This last week his mother demanded and demanded and demaned he help her with her wedding. He gave at his own expense. I gave nothing I set limits. Yet I still felt some of the impact of her demands.
So all I can suggest is to set as many limits as you can. Build a wall if you have to. Know the resentments are there, work on them, limit them as much as you can. They can be absolutely crippling.
I have found separating out my finances helped tremendously. At the same time I did want the A to pick up more and he did not.
The finances alone are reason to wave huge red flags. I did not see that before. I do now. Never again will I endure the kind of financial consquences I did in this relaitonship. Never. The resentment at being stuck with someone else's issues is absolutely overwhelming.
