The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If your A does anything close to hitting or shoving you, get yourself and your kids out of there.
I have lived with my AW for 18 years. In the past couple of months she has clobered me twice in the face, and kicked the he!! out of my shin while I was sitting on the couch.
I can tell she feels perfectly justified, after all I told her I am done living with the drinking.
Now, she is much smaller than me, and my 11 year old has hit me harder just playing around, but had the tables been turned and "I" was the one out of control.... she would have really been hurt. She gave it all she had, but after 10 beers she just doesn't have much.
Just because it didn't really hurt me (except for that kick, wow what a leg on that girl) doesn't mean anything. It is the out of control and lack of remorse issue that bugs me. I told her if she hits me again she will be sitting in this damn house by herself. I am not going to be her punching bag just because she's pissed off.
I just hope that anyone out there who see's some violence does something about it. Cause I can tell that once she did it once, it was much easier for her the next time.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I've been in an abusive relationship and my current husband has on occassian been aggressive when coming off of drugs. I have found that in my situation the men became abusive when they felt powerless an when they were the most frightened that things were out of control. Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Please don't let yourself be pushed around (or kicked)!
I was given this same advise in my f2f several months before the violence actually happened.
The information made me aware.
I kept an eye out for it.
When I was yet again enforcing my boundary of not driving my AH to get alcohol he went after me and I escaped to the bathroom and locked the door. He broke a picture on the wall as he crashed into it trying to get his hands on me.
I left the next day and would never again put myself in physical danger.
Stay safe.
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am sorry for what you are going through. Yes, you are right. She has crossed the line and will continue probably to a new level each time. She knows she has gotten away with it. I went through it with both my now former AH's. Eachtime got worse, I tell them that was unacceptable and low and behold here we go again. My 2nd marriage wasn't has violent as the first. Still violent either way.
I thought about my kids. Even though they had not seen the 2nd A do this. They still had to see him drunk, yelling, cusing, picking fights with me. They had to see mego through an emotional roller coaster as well as themselves going on one. Then one day someone said to me "children rather come from a broken home than live in one". For the first time in my life I was able to see that term very clearly. It was selfish of me to think I could fix the A. They were looking to me protect them spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I couldn't say I was protecting them from any of that other than the physical.
They lived in fear for them, for me, and for him. I should them time and time again, it was perfectly acceptable to walk all over me from the A.
I am glad your children are older. Please don't think I am saying your son is living in fear. I do not know. I just know how it was for me. If I was going to give them any chance at all or even myself, I had to stand up and say "This is not okay!" and mean it. I have spent most of my life watching people's actions and not their words. The actions always spoke louder to than any words.
You know you are in the right place. You know you are powerless over this. You just have to haul the water at this point and let HP worry about how the water is to get in that bucket.
Nothing like trying to post and make sense before that first cup of coffee. I hope that you find peace in you and your family's life ASAP.
Ziggy
Megan,
Did the bathroom trick myself once. I knew it was going to happen. "Exit stage left" was in my mind. I think God was the only thing that got me out of there that day. I am glad you made it out as well.
My hubby is the product of abuse from his mother and his exwife. She use to hit him when he was passed out with a cast iron frying pan or a baseball bat! She use to go right for his legs because that was the worst part of him (think reconstructed legs and feet). She said she had anger issues! Ya think? He never struck back. Try being a professional man and admitting that your wife beats you.
In my book there is no excuse for anyone person to lay another hand on a person unless it's self defense. Being intoxicated doesn't justify it. It may explain the behavior but doesn't justify it. You don't have to put up with it. When I was in college, I was a teaching assitant for a class on Human Violence and we spent a great deal of time on domestic abuse. There are more men abused than people realize (I'm not suggesting that you are being abused here friend).
I'm glad that you will not put up with this. No one should have too. Not a healthy situation for anyone to see.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hitting is never o.k. as you know. There is a rise in female abusers violently attacking their partners. You know your AW is not in her right mind when she acts out like this. If you have to call the authorities to get her out for a day or two and let her dry out that might be an option. As Christy stated, nothing can change if you don't take the steps to make it change. Being arrested for battery is no picnic, but it may be a blessing in disguise when the judge will hopefully court order anger management or Batterer's Intervention classes. Sounds like she needs a combo of sobriety and those weekly classes/groups. I agree with everyone else, move to safer ground if need be. No point in taking the abuse or letting the kids here whats going on. Have a great day, and thank you for the courage and honesty in sharing this with us.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. I admire your honesty and courage in posting that. I'm so fortunate that my AH does not get violent, but I had an issue with rage and had to deal with it, the craziness of this disease made me nuts that way.
My brother's ex-wife attacked him several times, threw his electric guitar at his head and pretty much just flipped her mind on a dime, he never knew when to expect it. He took her back a few times, then finally got out of the marriage. It happens and it is horrible, no one has the right to hurt you physically, OR emotionally for that matter.
I really am praying for you and your family today and every day. Thanks for your daily help...
Like everyone else has already said .... any form of violence is unacceptable.
I used to watch my brother and his exgirlfriend play fight. It all started out kind of funny ... he's 6' 4", 230, ex football construction worker, she is 5' 3" and petite. He'd poke her, she'd slap his arm .... over a year it turned to him poking her and her punching him. i guess the frustration of the relationship and nothing she could do really hurt him gave her strength cause one day she did a Batman KABAM off target that did hurt. He left the room punched a wall instead of her, I thank HP that is his nature. But it was the end for them, the relationship lasted longer just that day was really the end.
Anyway the point that I see is even someone small that doesn't hurt can get to the point when they really want it to hurt and will find a way.
On a lighter note ... when I used to pretend to be mad at my brother, he'd hold his hand against my head and I could swing away .... I could never get my hands closer than a foot away from him
Obviously you do not need me to reinforce what everyone else is saying. I have been on the receiving end of the violence twice in my life. The first time no one believed me and when he admitted it all thought I was "over-reacting" because it wasn't that bad. My question to these people was...should I have waited for him to put me in the hospital before leaving? Any physical violence is too much. Not only is it painful physically it is demeaning and emotionally scarring. To this day I have trouble if I am cornered by a man. I will dodge and run and I get really anxious even when there is no threat. You are right...no one should be another's punching bag for the physical or verbal abuse. If she hits you again call the cops. It doesn't matter if she hurts you. The hit is assault. The hurt is battery...it is two separate charges. You will want to have all this documented for the court. Trust me.
I know in my state, even spitting (blech!) on someone is considered domestic violence. Pulling the phone out of the wall, or preventing someone from using the phone is a Felony. Pretty much anything anyone can do that is downgrading and demeaning to a spouse or child can be considered domestic violence. I think I said that right. When I found out about it was when I filed charges against my AH. They wanted to know every bad word he had ever said to me. They were pretty much out to nail him. And what started it was he was drunk, was flinging his arms around in front of me,yelling. I was not afraid of him hitting me, I was standing there with my arms down at my sides. All of a sudden, his fingers made contact with the bridge of my nose, and I got a nose bleed. After that, I became hysterical, and things just snowballed. He became hysterical too, and began to say some really off-the-wall things, crazy, threats. Things I had never heard him say before. It was the worst day of my life. During the following separation, and restraining order, etc. he did apologize, and I did see that he had not meant to hit me, he was just gesturing, and in his drunk state, got too close. In my state of panic of living with an active A, I became unconsolable, and unreasonable. Alcoholism can do so much damage. Thank God I found Al-Anon and got a grip on myself. I think I was more insane than he was/is.
Violence is never OK. That is why I was so ashamed of hitting the wall a couple of weeks ago. That was a side of me I have never known. I think it kinda scared him too.
The world can be a hard place. We need to protect and shelter one another, and not hit, hurt, belittle, yell at, or hate each other. We need to love each other, even if we have to do it from a distance. Detach with love.
Thank you for having the courage to post this! as everyone said yes, she will think she can get away with it. If you you dont want to be ther person to have her arrested you can always go to the court house and file for a restraining order. On the other hand having her arrested can be a very positive experience. My A used to physically abuse me and I didn't finalyy blow the whistle until he almost broke his back. He didn't so any real jail time but he was ordered to go to anger menagement classes for 3 months.He is also not allowed to ever own a firearm for the rest of his life. I was shocked that despite he was mad because he had to go, he he got alot out of it. That was 8 years ago and he has only hit me twice since then. I still know thats unacceptable,but its a HUGE improvement considering that in the 8 years he was sober once for 6 months and once for 3 months. Even in his worst drinking episodes had not hit. Just a thought.
Even though you are not fearful of your wife hurting you physically, it is very wrong of her. It is emotional abuse and most definitely psychological abuse because it is intended to make you feel bad about yourself.
No one should be abusing anyone on any level. Whether it's emotional, physical, financial, psychological, abuse is abuse and its wrong.
At a minimum if it is done in front of the children, it is setting a very bad example. One cannot tell children violence is wrong and then commit violence on your spouse.
She use to go right for his legs because that was the worst part of him (think reconstructed legs and feet). She said she had anger issues! Ya think? He never struck back. Try being a professional man and admitting that your wife beats you. 
