The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I heard a message on my phone tonight, from a drinking buddy of my AH's. The line I remember is "you deserve a break from pretending to be the good boyfriend, come out with us ... it's our treat". It hurt.
Been having a hard time handling being here lately. Am I ready to walk away? The foreclosure papers state I am responsible in part for keeping the house in good condition until the end. Can I once in my life walk away and be irresponsible?
Is being responsible for my well being more important right now? Is protecting myself from being held responsible for who knows what may happen here more important?
My choices right now are keep fighting for a way to maintain my good name and credit, or go all out the other way and leave declare bankruptcy ... the first is hard and I am tired. The second is humbling and could harm me in the future in ways I can't possibly know yet.
Will I eventually recover either way? SURE .... knowing that helps the hurt but not the decision process.
I'm tired of getting phony calls thoughout the day .... "what do you want for dinner .. oh and what time will you be home?" Like I am too dumb to know that there is someone or something here that needs to leave before I get back. I want to move on with my life, be somewhere with people who are happy to see me come home, somewhere I am happy to go home to.
Somewhere in my head is this little voice saying your life will be better later if you follow this through to the end. Is that my disease? Or my HP? Gut instinct? An excuse to resist change?
Mainly which decision will make me more proud of myself ... I've seen my bottom, I've been humbled, I'm ready to feel some pride in myself again. I'm scared of making the wrong decision and taking away what little I have left.
Thanks for listening, wishing you all are well and happy.
Wouldn't it be easy to have someone give us the answers to what we should do. There have been many days where I just wished someone else would do it (make my choice) for me. The one thing that was shared w/ me that has stuck with me is this... The longer you wait, the fewer options you have and if you decide not to do anything, you have made the decision not to do.
I thought on this for I'd say, a year lol. For me it was a truth, the longer I waited the fewer options I had, and during the time I chose not to do anything was in itself a decision, it was a decision to wait -- that was neither good or bad, but it was a decision. It was also the only thing I was capable of doing at that moment.
I just posted something about how when remaining the same is more painful than the pain of change, change becomes easier. You have to decide which is harded for you. ( here is where I'd be saying BUT they are both hard! and it is.)
Ask your HP for strength and guidance to take the next right step, whether it is to stay or go or just to wait a little longer. Reading and looking at the 11th step really has helped me.
It is so very hard. When you say the house needs to be kept up, what do they mean by that? If the A stays and you go, what could you loose in that? I am not trying to push you into a decission, just curious.
If he knocks holes in the walls will they try to make you pay for it? Is it enforceable? I know bankruptcy is. Been there, done that... but you are right you can recover from it. Just takes time.
Even the decission, doesn't stop the pain. There are still hills to climb, you just know which ones.
Luna said it when she says "...Ask your HP for strength and guidance to take the next right step, whether it is to stay or go or just to wait a little longer."
You are in my prayers for sure.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I always say the answers will come when are truly ready to receive them. To me that means when I can't make my decision it's because there is something inside me that isn't ready to hear or discover the answers yet. Call it survival instinct. Maybe I'm not quite ready to make that next step. Sometimes the circumstances dictate the answers, and I act upon it. When I do and I feel serene (not necessarily good) at that moment, I know I was ready for it.
All I do know is recovery is about you and taking back your life. Sometimes we take the longer way to get to it, but the journey was so worth it. Be patient. The answers will come. You might want to talk to a credit councelor and see what they say about it. That's what they are there for. Who knows they may give you some information that you may need to help make this decision easier.
I know this is hard and hurtful. It's during these times that we need to be extra good to ourselves. Doing something nice for you today. Give yourself a day just to take a break from all of this. Call it a mental health day (I call them Piper Days, after my cat.).
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can hear in your post how you are hurting. I think if you follow your heart and do what feels right you can't make a bad decesion. It may not turn out exactly as you want or hope, but if taking the necessary steps to financial peace and peace of spirit is your goal take it one step at a time. One day you'll look back and see how far you've come. Stay strong.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you want to be happy and are just miserable. I'm sorry about the financial thing, too. I'm not much help because I am in a similar situation, but I am full of prayers for you today and your family and AH.
You sound strong in your program, and all I know is when I fell into a horrible depression a couple of weeks ago, I took action and went to meetings and kept busy. It kept my mind off of things for a little while.
