The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ugh, what a frustrating weekend, I was surfing the net when my I.Explorer just died and spent 4 hours trying to fix it to find out...it's unfixable,lol. I wound up having to do a rescue boot form my cd which renders almost all of your progems unusable and once I got stuff reinstalled IT DID IT AGAIN!!! Thank god for a buddy on mesenger who sent me a new web browser and am finally on again since yesterday afternoon. Over the weekend my A called me from rehab who I have been not wanting to talk to. He then tells me he wanst me to visit him (2 hour drive and I have no gas money) and bring him cigarettes (he knows I have no money) I wanted to scream my head off at him and hang up the phone. Instead I told him I am not going to visit him right now because I am so angry at him and why. Unfortunately he is only allowed to talk for 10 minutes so I wasn't able to finish but I did get to say that I know I'm supposed to be angry at the disease not him, but I can't do that because he has had a choice. To recover ot not to recover and he has chosen not to. And for as long as he believes he can stop any time he wants to he will never stay sober. That he has NO IDEA what he has done in the last 2 months and he agreed because he doesen't remember. I tel him how badly it has affected the kids and hes just replied "oh they will be all right" which made me even more angry. He is the worst minimizer on earth, and so damn self centered!!!! That was Saturday. Monday I was so angry all day.....just thinking about my financial predicament and how all they things he has done put us in the hell hole we are in. I know I'm not supposed to blame him, but I can't help it!!! I had left him a couple years ago when I had a god job and I was happy. Then I got hurt at work, twice in 1 year and I was forced to move back in with him lest I had no other place to live because I couldn't work and now here I am still physically messed up from that. (it's half my house too on the darn deed!) All I thought about was how much I hate him and if I saw him..I'd punch him square in the face. Of course all this anger was coming out sideways. I was barking at the kids and had a terrible grimace on my face when I went to the grocery store,but I couldn't stop it!! Talk about being powerless....I hated feeling that way all weekend and through monday but no matter what I did, it just would not stop. For some reason which I will not question I feel much better today,better than I have in over a week. Is this a phase? And at this point I feel totally incapable of dealing with my A. (He has no idea how lucky he is to be in rehab and not near me at this point.) I'm not even sure how to deal with myself at this point. I can't go out, I have no friends where I live and am very isolated. Thank god I have my internet back...
Thanks for posting Mindy. I know it's easy to be angry when you're in the middle of a frustrating situation. I am also isolated and know no one but with 3 kids and focusing on me and them I manage to stay busy 99.99% of the time with or without friends and family! I know you will make it through this you said that you have made it before. Just remember to keep the focus on you and your kids and what you are going to do to help yourself out of this situation. He can deal with his own problems so don't add those to your burden!
What you are going thru is normal(?) and maybe you don't want to hear that but it is. Inside of the program we come to understand the disease and our situation and our part in it which is all we can change cause we sure cannot change or control much else that's for sure. Phil gave you the serenity prayer...This is one prayer tatooed to the inside of my head. It helps me to see where everything is and where my responsibilites are and then relax. This family group has lots and lots of literature; pamphlets and daily reading literature that really helps to settle the spirit. Al-Anon suggest face to face meetings and I understand you have children to care for and there may surely be a Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of you local phone book where you can get in touch of a real live person who has been where you are at to get support and meeting times and literature and such.
Living in confusion, anger, resentment, fear, depression is normal for the family of alcoholic/addicts. This was the only way I knew how to live and I believed that it was how I was supposed to until I came into this life-saving program. I also spread it out to everyone I touched, the kids the gas station attendant, the police the people at the market...I shared it alright!! I had my victims too!! That's not how I wanted life to be. That's not how I wanted to be known. That's not a cottage and white picket fence!! It wasn't my dream; it was a nightmare (I still suffer from those) and then I found this program. You are not alone. We understand where you are at and we understand also that you can change it cause we have also no matter how very very bad you think things are and we will tell you so if you can get to one and more of our face to face meetings. For now, first or actually second, call the hotline if you have not already and get a hold of someone (other than your alcoholic) to talk to. Get some of our daily literature and tell them that you don't have the money to pay for it right now but you need some like the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, Courage to Change or Hope for Today. Maybe they have loaners and maybe there is a used book store in town or the local rehab has the literature for free. Ask them for it...reaching out is what you will be doing a lot of before you can get on your feet again but I learned that humility is being "teachable" not degraded. After a while you will come to understand more. You didn't get in this place over night and you won't arrive at where you wanted to be that way either.
Ask for and get lots of (((((hugs))))). You will get that from us and open meetings and from a power greater than Mindy if you already have found that power. I choose to call my HP God.
What I have given you is only a tiny bit of what was given to me that saved my life and the life of my alcoholic/addict because of this program. Alcoholism is serious; the most cunning, powerful and baffling disease around. It almost took my alcoholic and my life. It drove me into insanity and suicide attempts. It drove me into doing what you angrily thought about...I physically abused and hit my alcoholic in trying to get her to stop drinking...awesome that it only caused her to drink more...I spent every last dime and asset I brought into our marriage, $30k and two houses and more to support her drinking. Thank God I ran out of money and was near homeless!! The kids and step-kids were in a mess and that was very very sad and yes the alcoholic discounts those conditions. This is not a moral issue...it is a disease that you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure.
You've found this site and I hope you follow up on the suggestions you find here. You will be okay. Welcome. (((((((hugs)))))))
A's are selfish and self-absorbed. I have to remind my A that there are three other people in the house that have different perspectives of everything going on. He tends to live in tunnel vision. I have some terrible days at work and he'll call like five times in a row and it doesn't phase him that I might be having a bad day and he's adding to my stress. I used to let my anger stew and brew. Now if I see I'm not getting anywhere or we just can't seem to make any progress I ask for a time out and go out with the kids or by myself. Sometimes it takes me hours to get over something, usually its because I don't know how to communicate it. It doesn't suprise me that your A can't remember how much pain he's caused everyone. Just remember he didn't choose this disease either. He does have a choice about whether he wants sobriety, but until he feels the agonizing pain of loss and defeat he won't want to get sober. I hope this time out for you guys will do some good. Hang in there, a solution will present itself.
Living Life One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Welcome. This board will save your life, along with, as Jerry said, the literature, and face to face meetings.
The rage we feel sometimes at our Alcoholics/addicts is just so horrid. It spills out of us and makes us unbearable to be around, we are mad at anything and everything in the world. It is a horrible place to be, it is all-consuming. I have been where you are.
There are so many things to learn here, very MUCH support and needed words of love and wisdom. I couldn't believe when my alcoholic husband relapsed this year, I punched him in the face! I have never punched anyone ever in my life! Luckily it didn't hurt him and didn't really phase him. AND it didn't make me feel any better, I got scared he would hit me back and then felt awfully guilty. This disease spins everyones heads around.
There is a book called "Getting Them Sober" that is very good by Toby Rice Drew. I read it over and over. Also any Alanon literature. Just read, read, and read some more. Talk to people, don't isolate. It is so scary at first, but the more you reach out and talk, the better you will feel.
I wish you love and lots of (((HUGS)))). We need each other to lift us up out of these holes we are in.
I am very relieved to know that this IS a phase...so I do know that it will pass and I'm not going to implode/explode. Nor that I am a bad person for thinking the thoughts I have had and I'm sure it won't be the last time either. I haven't been to any face to face meetings yet because gas is sooo tight.The closest meeting to me is 30+ miles away so sadly I cant make regular attendance.What is even better is that durnig the regular alanon meeting there is an alateen meeting that runs at the same time. However, I got a little money left over from paying the bills and look foward very much to getting to go to this meeting next week. I know it takes time,but I hope to find atleast a temporary sponsor which will help alot too. I don't have enough money to buy any books,but I sure will ask them if there are any loaners they can let me borrow.I do want to check out the book you guys suggested in this post. As for being so darn mad, just writing the post in the first place made me feel be better and was actually in a very good mood yestserday despite of all things. Maybe I just needed to let it all out. Thank you all so much for being here!
Wow I can relate to your post. I have been in the place of being hurt at work. I hope you have a workers comp suit going. I know they take a while to pursue. I have also been in the place of not having a dime.
I have been at the place where one word from the A would send me to the ceiling.
I am sorry your kids have to endure this.
The good news is that there are meetings here, sometimes it is a little difficult to get into chat. Don't ask me why but it gets difficult from time to time. The meetings here though and the message board can be lifesaving.
There are library books that you can borrow. Pretty soon you will be on your way. I am almost at one year in this program. I can't say my life is hunky dory (I am still living with an A) nevertheless I feel much more in control.
So congratulations for finding this place. Take care of yourself. That is an art in itself.
