The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boundries, this is a tuffy for me. I would give in at the blink of an eye. I didn't realize it until lately. When I give in on my boundries who is the one that it is really hurting?
Is it hurting the person that the boundry was put up for.
Or is it hurting me because that is why the boundry was put up to protect me.
I am working on my boundries and trying to stick with them. I have faith that no matter how big or small the boundry my HP has my back. I just need help with the part about making sure that I show it out of love. A part of me still wants to be firm too.
Any help that can be given would greatly be appreciated.
I love boundary posts because I have struggled with enforcing my boundaries for quite some time. Boundaries have been the driving force for me to remove myself as the victim in all circumstances because I do have a choice in all situations. I have to ask myself how do I honestly feel about the issue, if it bother's me, what about it bother's me. Then I have to muster up the courage to confront the person about what they did that bothered me so much. After confronting them, I may have to state what I'd like to see happen from that moment on, when dealing with the A, he will continually test my boundaries. I'm learning to say, "I thought we had a deal or an agreement about that?" I agree that following through with the consequences is a toughy. I typically get stumped when it comes to what consequences are appropriate for this person without making him feel like our three year old. Nothing iritates me more than when he tries to bust a boundary. I'm learning how to grow a backbone and stand up for myself regardless of how he feels about it. After I've stated the boundary its up to me to stand up for it and enforce it. If he gets miffed that his responsibility. I simply say, you have a choice too, you can respect my feelings on this or you create more of a mess between us. I'd like to think we could use this as an opportunity to build trust. It doesn't always work, but then again this program is about progress not perfection. You get kudos just for trying to stand up and enforce that boundary. If it goes awry and the A or whomever gets upset then we need to talk ourselves through those feelings of guilt or pity; because it has no place for us at that time. Keep telling you you're worth it and keep practicing my hope for me is that it will become like second nature to enforce my boundaries and not feel remorse about standing up for what I believe is right.
Living One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am baffled by this idea of bounderies and consequences...
I have a friend who has come such a long way in this program and she is one of the strongest women I've ever met. She keeps using the word bounderies in our conversations but I am still at a loss. I don't know what bounderies to set and how to enforce them. I know that when my A starts a fight for insane reasons beyond my understanding I try to leave the room and not get involved - I imagine this to be one of my "bounderies" however he will follow me into whatever part of the house I happen to be in and continue ranting and raving at me until I break down and either scream at him, saying hurtful things or cry. How could I better handle this? I just don't know... How does one stay sane when living in a looney bin?
Consequences is the other issue. To this point I've made threats - most of which I'm not prepared to follow through with i.e. leaving him. This time around, when my A used, I spent the night at a friends apartment with my baby and returned the following afternoon. I don't know how it happened... I just can't stick to my guns I guess, but after an emotionally draining few hours of minimal communication, followed by insane outlash where not the least of what I said was "you're a lousey husband and a lousey father" I was laying in bed next to him watching tv like nothing had ever happened. I just kept wondering "how did we end up here?" I really wanted to hold onto my disgust and disappointment and anger. But maybe I can't afford to do that... Advice anyone?
When I think about boundaries, I try to think of it terms of reasonable punishment of my 6-year old daughter. What I mean is, with her I have figured out that whatever punishment I give for an infraction, it has to be something that I can actually carry out. For example, a rule (or boundary) for my daughter is that she is not allowed to speak to me in a snarky tone of voice. Sometimes, however, emotions prevail and I hear the "voice." If I were to punish her by not allowing her to watch TV for a week, it would be too hard to enforce and I know I would give in. On the other hand, if I send her to her room for a while, I get some time to myself and she has time to reflect on her behavior.
I try to translate this to setting boundaries for my AH. Boundaries have consequences, but if the consequence is too difficult to carry out, we won't follow through. Unfortunatly, sometimes that means living with unacceptable behavior for a while. I can't tell my AH that he as to stay sober or move out, because I can't enforce moving out. But, I can say stay sober or sleep in the guest room. Wash your own clothes or they stay dirty, etc.
For me, reducing the concept of boundaries to the level of a 6-year old really cleared up the confusion. After all, my AH acts like a 6-yr old most of the time!!!
Thanks everyone for your responses. Give me a lot to think about and pray about.
Jerry thanks I like the way you said to replace helping instead of hurting.
Twinmom- Pointing out something you said "I thought we had a deal or an agreement about that?". It made me think of all the ones I had with my A that I hadn't followed threw on my boundries.
Erin-My personal experience has taught me holding on to disgust, disappointment, and anger, in the end destroys you and the amazing person you can become. Took me a LONG time to get here. Wish you the best with your journey.
Babysteps-Thanks for the food for thought I see myself applying some of this already but others not doing so great with. So I will try and keep in mind what you have said.
