The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is going to be a long post because I have so many feelings swirling around inside I might have trouble articulating them all. I seem to be dealing with most of the topics that have been listed for the next 2 weeks. Guilt, shame, self esteem and on and on.
First of all I want to thank Tiger. She started me thinking and taking a preliminary personal inventory. I was upset at first at her remarks. I was upset because they were the truth. She said grief was a selfish emotion and that my family was hurting as evidenced by my son's alcoholism and my daughter's on line journal.
My daughter and I haven't spoken for almost 3 years. She feels that I never wanted her nor have I ever loved her. That is not true but the important thing is that is what she believes. I can't allow her to go on thinking that. I have only gotten to the first stage of admittance of wrongdoing or have finally gotten out of denial. The next step is action after careful prayer. I am not sure what action I need to take. That is why I need to pray about it and plea for the prayers of others.
I thought about going to where she is, unannounced but that was when I was cloaked in my self righteous indignation. I have woken up since then. I thought about e-mailing her but she could just delete it. So I am in a quandary, hence the need for prayer.
I just hope it is not too late. I have done a lot of unintended damage. I have been weeping for 2 days now, not so much in self pity but in the realization of the pain I have caused.
Every casual conversation and every thing I have read lately has had the hand of God in it, pointing me to make the right decision.
A woman at work who is about the same age as my daughter was talking to me about her fractured relationship with her mother. She cried and said she only wanted her mother's love and acceptance. I saw my daughter in that young woman and myself in that mother. Another woman at work is losing her son because of anger and resentment of his wife. All this is a wake up call for me.
It must have been my HP that lead me to this forum in the first place.
I have a long list of amends to make and not with just my daughter.
My prayers are with you. It sounds like you are exactly where I am now. Just becoming "aware" of the feelings is a great step. Before, I could never name them. Self-pity is a huge thing. There are so many suffering people out there, we all suffer. The key is to realize that we will suffer, and to feel it, cry (like you have been) and then release it, and get better.
I am so glad you see the signs around you and HP speaks to you in situations like the girl at work. You sound spiritually connected, and that is the thing that will save your sanity, it has mine anyway. Pray pray pray and more prayer.
I've gotten away from meditation and know that it is essential to my recovery, because boy, it is like exercise. If you meditate daily, you change your whole outlook on the day. Even fitting in 10-15 minutes.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today, hang in there. Getting to face to face meetings really helps too!
I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember you did the best you could with what you had back then. Don't beat yourself up over it now. HP will give you the discernment and the courage to make your mends where you need to. Remember your daughter has her HP too, even if she doesn't have an ongoing relationship with HP, he/she is working it out. Hang in there.
Living Life One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((bluegrass))), I so remember being right where you are at. Becoming aware that alcoholism is a family disese and that I had a hand in the chaos too, was an eye opener. I too cried for a few days, and then got busy. First up was forgiving myself! I am human, even though I wanted everything "perfect", just being human guarantees that will never be! I can't be a 100% right or 100% wrong...and really does it matter? I can do my best and with my higher powers help things seem to fall into place in a nice orderly manner. Take it easy on yourself...Remember Alanon is a journey not a destination!
I think it's awesome that you've had this awareness. There is never any guarantees for the outcome but all you can do is do your best and let God do the rest. If for nothing else, you will know you made your amends and then even give your daughter sometime to mull things over. 3 years is a long time.
Let us know how you make out, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
