The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For as long as I can remember, I have been very afraid of things that I can't control (lightening storms, illness, and war).
I worried about storms, illness, and war ALOT as a kid. I can see now that I may have been doing this as a way of expressing how worried I was about how out of control my family was trying to deal with my father's alcoholism and my mother's debiliating depression.
I try to take care of myself in this area by limiting my intake of news. Although I very much limit my intake of news, etc., news does pop up on my homepage, and I find myself triggered at times. When I see an upsetting headline, I find myself overcome with fear and anxiety.
This morning, for example, the headline "North Korea declares War" popped up, and suddenly I felt bowled over with anxiety--right back to exactly how I felt as a kid. The feelings are absolutely overwhelming when I am triggered like this.
I find dealing with this is important to my recovery. It brings up the tension I feel at times between sticking my head in the sand and ignoring everything around me so I won't be triggered (i.e. never reading another news piece again OR completely ignoring the destructiveness of alcoholism and its effect on me) and not wanting to be in denial about the hard stuff that life is always made of i.e. adressing my fears head on and taking care of myself the best I can.
I needed to reach out and share what's on my heart right now--my fear--so that I can get more of a handle on my anxiety, and get centered to do all I have to do today.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, but maybe now is the time for you to deal with this fear head on. It seems to me like you are ready to do this.
I too grew up in an Afamily and learned at a young age that I had to get in control of situations so as to protect myself. I remember checking my father's face when he came in the door from work, to see if he had been drinking or was angry or both. I did this automatically. It was my way of being prepared, of knowing what to expect. Sort of. As only a child could. Of course I didn't realise this at the time. But I learned to always be wary, to always try and protect myself. And now I try to control too much...my way of protecting myself I think.
I now try to be aware of my natural reactions and how they are sometimes inappropriate. I feel if I am aware of my feelings/ reactions I can have a better chance of getting over them. This is something I have to do everyday. It has taken me years to develop these inate habits. They do not go away easily.
I think you are well on your way to recovery, and there is positivity in your post.
Great honesty and you hit me right where I used to live until I learned that the opposite of fear is faith and accepted that no matter what the heck goes on in this universe and for which I am completely powerless...I am and will continue to be okay!! Sunday a 6. something or other followed by a 5. something or other violent earthquake....woke me up good!! and I was okay before it. I was okay during it. I was okay after it. Last night heavy duty thunder and lightning show with flash flood warnings the same spiritual personal condition. This morning another earthquake (little itty bitty 3. something guy) and my spiritual condition wasn't shaken at all. This program and all its suggestions and experience, strength and hope really works!!
