The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After looking at my previous post, I thought maybe I should bring this topic up. It's not something I discuss in my normal circle at all. In part because it just doesn't come up, but also because I don't want to be chided for not being able to let go.
I have been divorced longer than I was married... for the mathematically inclined, my divorce was final 12 years ago this month. I have very little contact with my ex-wife, and when I do, she seems pretty much a stranger. There are no present feelings there at all and it generally takes her all of 3 minutes to annoy me in some way, and I'm sure she feels the same.
What I am in love with is what was, or maybe what never was. That sparkle in her eye, just that feeling I got that somebody loved me. I was a 20-something kid, she was slightly older and just seemed to fulfil every dream I'd ever had of how things ought to be. Instant family. So much of it seems like it was all a visit to Disneyland. I miss it, but very very cautious whenever I start to have ANY feelings like that... at all.
I don't regret having done it. Oddly enough, we were friends for more than a year before we ever went on an official date. I had a certain fascination from the beginning but had some grand delusions of pursuing someone else at the time. Well, when I finally realized that wasn't going to happen, and expressed a genuine interest in my future wife, it was like the dam burst... she had been interested in me for all that time and I didn't realize to what extent. To say she swept me off MY feet would be an understatement. It made me feel like the MVP of the World Series... I hit a home run.
This is such a perfect illustration of how we place our own happiness in the hands of another person, without realizing that they can't handle the responsibility, and that we're giving up our own identity in the process. But that meltdown feels soooo good... it's an addiction as surely as any drink or drug. With it comes the denial and all of the other isms. The denial for me was in failing to comprehend that my other half had stepped out of the blender long ago - any illusion of our wonderful, initial harmony and bliss was an act perpetrated by her. And I can almost forgive her for keeping up the act all those years. Almost.
By the time she was fully ready to walk away from the act, it was no more significant an event for her than carrying out the trash. But being so far out of sync, it was devastating for me.
I'm still attracted to anyone that reminds me of my X. Not long ago, I was having dinner with a (male) friend and he about had to smack me because I couldn't keep my eyes off our waitress. She was like my X... but 25 years younger... just like she was when we first met. And recently, someone new started where I work... and I got a lot of the same vibes from her as my X back when we first met. I was VERY relieved to find out that she was engaged.
Having a relationship with my stepkids probably keeps me from letting go of some things, but that relationship is an important part of our lives, and we've talked about it many times... we all cope with the old stuff, but live for today. I go to my meetings because this stuff will always be with me. Not to cry over, but just because it's part of who I am. I don't regret the past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it. But I do know that when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm way short on experience - I've spent nearly 80% of my life single, and nearly half of it living alone. Having new experiences is scary, but inevitable.
So to finish up the topic... am I still in love with my X? No... the person she is today means nearly nothing to me today. I wish her no harm, but we really have nothing to say to each other either. But I AM in love with the idea of being in love. I may someday fall in love again, but I will probably never plunge into that lake of intoxication as I did before. Maybe just because I have a program, and a higher power... I will avoid mistakes, even the ones that are sometimes fun.
My experience is we tend to shoot ourselves out of the water before we ever give it a chance, love that is. Setting ourselves up before we even get close to a fall. For me, if I were approaching a possible third date, I'd be doing exactly the same thing as you are doing -- looking back. It's hard not to.
Here is where we really need to let go and let God. I believe we have our own illusion of what our past relationship really was or better, what we thought we were living. Sometimes, time even feeds our illusion. Ask you HP to give you a clearer picture of what it really was and help w/ moving forward.
I'd like to make one comment regarding handing over our happiness to someone else. It's also not fair to the other person to set them up with that much pressure, they are doomed to fail, it is humanly impossible to fulfill all of one persons emotional needs. It's so full of "if only they'd...then I'd be happy." And leaves the other person feeling like they continually fail, so why try even a little. Becoming healthy shows us we have a wealth of resources that can fill our emotional needs without squashing the life out of one relationship trying to get what we need. Again, just speaking from experience, been squashed and done of bit of squashing myself, lol.
I'd like to make one comment regarding handing over our happiness to someone else. It's also not fair to the other person to set them up with that much pressure, they are doomed to fail, it is humanly impossible to fulfill all of one persons emotional needs.
This is one of those things that I am totally powerless over because it was in the past. But having reviewed it over and over and over, I was just as powerless over it then. I was this adult child of an alcoholic, successful professionally but I felt like a total loser in relationships... an alcoholic myself although functional... and here comes this quirky, sexy girl who just seemed to want to give me everything I wanted. I simply had no ability to say no, or to look at the situation even slightly rationally. She always complained that she had to mother me, that I was immature - but as I see it now, we were both children, both immature and needy with the idea we could fix each other by becoming one. It's a mistake I dare say millions of young people make. Not in getting together, but the expectations of each other that are utterly unrealistic.
I sometimes say in my AA story that the day that relationship started, I turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood her.
Alcoholics and Alanons don't have any monopoly on unrealistic expectations in a relationship. But perhaps we are slower learners than most... LOL. Everybody experiences it at some time or another... as a child of an alcoholic I learned to fend for myself but at the same time, I had that hole that I'd gladly let another willing person fill. Filling that hole with a Higher Power is the only thing that really works, but it's so hard to comprehend. Fill it now, with the material, the human... or hang on, be faithful, that an unseen God will fill it? A daily, or even minute by minute choice. I only know better because my PhD from the University of Hard Knocks and Kick-In-The-Groin says I should.
There's a saying about what seperates 13th stepping from having an actual relationship: 13th stepping is when I don't work the other 12 in any fashion, and then I add you to my insanity. An actual relationship implies I surrender my character defects in a fashion that you've seen the best and the worst of me and you still think I'm okay.
Perhaps this would be something to look at with a sponsor or a professional. It sounds like there's something more that's not being examined at a through level.
Perhaps this would be something to look at with a sponsor or a professional. It sounds like there's something more that's not being examined at a through level.
I have apparently completely failed to communicate my present situation. Sorry. I will not bring it up again here. I just thought this was a safe place to talk about stuff that I can't normally discuss objectively with my friends (in or out of the program) because they know all of the people involved and have long ago formed their judgement.
I'm sorry that it was taken that way. All matters are encouraged to be discussed here. All I was encouraging is that something so sensitive to your heart--especially there is a pattern emerging here for you--might be worth looking at with someone who knows you at a very sensitive level. A level that we on the internet do not.
I did not do a very good job of separating the past from the present in my post(s). Trying to talk about too many things at once, can lead to misunderstanding. Unfortunately once on the slope of misunderstanding, pretty much anything I say only deepens the misunderstanding. I think I'm just gonna listen for a while.
Alcoholics and Alanons don't have any monopoly on unrealistic expectations in a relationship. But perhaps we are slower learners than most... LOL.
So True! That made me laugh . My comment on handing over our happiness was more of a reflective thing, something we learn from our past that we don't have to carry into future relationships -- that's the getting healthy part .
Thank you for posting so honestly. Several things apply to something I'm going thru, which has made me stop and think.
YOu know it seems a lot of times that the A demands 100% of your time and isolates you from friends and family making it so that you must get all of your love/attention from them and them from you. I was just thinking about what was said about it being unfair to expect someone to meet all those needs on their own but on the other hand sometimes they set themselves up for it. This goes back to the trust issue, not being able to trust the A to be with others (for fear they will run out and get drunk or whatever) or the other way around (seems that they always assume you are cheating if you're not with them every moment). This made me think, thanks for posting it. I too have been swept up and it's like a storybook romance until reality hits! If only the fairy tale could be real but alas no one can be that perfect.
Just a thought...If I were really a loving person and knew what that really meant before I met the person (my wife, girlfriend, partner...whoever?) Love would not be an issue and she would not have to be something or someone she wasn't. Of course I would have to know and so would she what would and would not be acceptable and this could be done during discovery and things would be more harmonious and....you getting the picture? Of course from my history you guys should be laughing already as the bubble begins to reflect the white picket fence and home with smiling kids........zzzz Actually it took a whole lot more than what I gave it. I am a reactor; a "can do" Mr. Fixer who usually leaves his head home as a paper weight and who's higher power often times is his four wheeldrive truck or what ever power tool he is holding at the moment including the tv remote. In order to have done it correctly I would have had to have been raised in a culture much different than alcoholism. Which I wasn't and which explains why I am supposed to come here, sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice and practice what is suggested to me.
I will now go sit in the corner and keep an open mind.
. My comment on handing over our happiness was more of a reflective thing, something we learn from our past that we don't have to carry into future relationships -- that's the getting healthy part 
. 
