The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those wondering if the A and I went on our date... yes we did. It is an unusual place. Our city is a little bit of everything.
To the east and south is flat farmland, and to the west is hills. In the middle of those hills is a beautiful lake. For those of you from Utah or Colorado, the altitude is not much to look at, but the scenery is pristine.
The draw of this resturant is NOT thier food, it is the gorgious view of the lake and hills and the gorgous sunsets.
We both had a good time.
Several people asked about the 'disappointment' in the title of my post. She was disapointed that I didn't use that oportunity to throw my arms around her and say ... "never mind, don't go, and drink all you want... I will just learn to live with it."
She has considered some anger managment therapy, and went to a prayer group with some folks she met at the treatment center. She imediatly turned to say "see, I am making an effort so don't make me go."
This disease really has a flare for ripping my heart right out.
It wasn't until she went to bed and I spent some quite time with my HP that I could calm down enough to look at the whole thing.
It is good that she has made some contacts at the center. It is good that she is looking at some help. These are things that will help her.
What started all this is what I need. I can not live with a person who I can't communicate with. Someone who will fight and scream for me to do the wrong thing till she is blue in the face. I know we both need lots of behavioral modifications and I would do that with her when/if she gets sober. I am going to do that with myself now.
This has been an absolutly draining experience. It really wasn't until I read the "Merry-go-round named denial" again this morning, that I decided that as good as those steps are, they really don't change anything.
If anything it helps me to know that whenever she is ready to deal with any aspect of her recovery, she knows now that there really are people out there who can help.
I struggle with this every minute. We already did this a year and a half ago. Just like I read on here in someone else's post. I said I can't live this way anymore, she offered cutting down and I took it. Of course it didn't work, 'cause she is not in control of this anymore. She made a promise that she wanted to keep, but she did not have the ability to.
I am rambling a bit, sorry for that.
One day at a time, and stay in touch with my HP.... what else can I really do for now.
Thank you all for your support. I so appreciate how you have all touched my life.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
you are blessed with a kind and loving heart. Alcohol blinds those we love to the good qualities in us. Just as living with them drinking can blind us to the good qualities in them. But, you have managed to see thru that distortion to see your wife. She is a very lucky woman.
Glad your dinner went well.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself. Don't worry about rambling, that's what this site is for......people can either read or not, they can't hang up on us here, as they can on the phone! LOL!
Keep doing your program. You have come a long way.
Glad you had a nice time at dinner, sounds beautiful. I think you've done amazing work on yourself and learning to understand this disease and where your AW fits on that progression line. You are right unless we make the changes in ourselves and set a change in course of motion the A will just continue the old patterns. I think you are doing an excellent job in figuring out where boundaries need to be placed and reinforced. Great detachment in love. Keep your spirits, HP here's you and your prayers.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
rtexas, I'm glad you had a nice date :) It sounds like you should just keep doing what your doing cuz you are doing great!
I hope soon you AW will attend the groups for herself and not for you. The "see, I am making an effort so don't make me go" line sounds like someone that is more fearful of having to leave then wanting recovery. Did you set a mental deadline? Just wondering because A's have a way of manipulating everything. Mine used to come home drunk from an AA meeting and say "What do you want from me? I'm going to AA!" I guess I needed to be more specific..lol
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"mental deadline" ... well, she is going to sign a contract on an apartment Wednesday after work. She will move on the weekend.
That is part of what is so heartbreaking, even though I know it is the right thing to do, she keeps wanting me to "stop her" to show that I still love her.
She has given them a deposit. She stalled on that for 3 days making sure I was "sure". She just doesn't understand that I can't hold the gun for her while she pulls the trigger.
I can't keep making it safe and comfortable for her to sit in the garage and drink herself to sleep every night. I just can't listen to the screams of "you are doing this to me", and "if you showed that you cared more, I wouldn't have to drink..."
If I thought it would make it all better to keep doing that until the lightbulb finally "magically" came on for her... I would do it. That has been a fantasy for 6 years now and it's time to do something different.
Thank you all for your support.
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sounds like you are in a good place mentally for the coming week. Try to do whatever makes you keep sane if things get rough. Seems I remember something about singing .... might be a good time to invest in a kareoke machine?
"The Merry go round of denial" ... my copy is ragged. I read it daily for months. As the weeks went by different parts gave me strength, to try something different, to eventually let go, help with dealing with others anger when I started acting differently, and mostly there is a line about our A's telling people things about us. Since mine has spent a couple years telling everyone he knows I am crazy and notletting me be involved in his lives so nobody would find I wasn't, that part helped alot too.
I dread and look forward to the day i can actuallyleave and start fresh, I can imagine the emotions you are having. I wish you the best, and keep you and your family in my prayers.
By "mental deadline" and I'll speak for myself... In my own mind, not to the A...I had a mental deadline for how long I would stay in the mess before I walked away. Considering I had been going round and round the same mountain for years, and A had made many unkept promises.... I knew I was recovering, but A was making false promises and going through the motions. I had enough of the promises and the words he spoke to appease me. I no longer asked him to get help or quit, he offered it up himself but continued to drink and ACT like he meant it.
I knew, like you, I just couldn't live that way so I gave myself a time limit to protect myself. I was fully prepared to walk away knowing that I had given hm every chance in the world. I just knew I didn't want to spend my whole life like that.
Yes, I can be happy whether the A is drinking or not, but there are degrees of happiness. No matter how happy I can become living with an active A, I deserve MORE out of my life. I have reasonable dreams that could not be recognized living with an A. Selfish? Maybe. But as I pondered the whole situation, staying with him for life, giving up my dreams because or in spite of his disease still seemed codependant to me. After giving the relationship chance after chance and getting recovery for myself, was the pay off going to be caring for an invalid for the next 30+ yrs?
I understood that living with it would eventually bring me to a point where I watched him die because he had destroyed himself. That actually did come to pass before my mental time limit was up. He didn't die but came closer to death then most people do and live. He found recovery before the time limit was up, but I was planning on mentally and physically detaching forever, for me.
As much as I loved him I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life detaching from his disease . I learned to love myself more then that, that my life was on the home stretch (I'm 51) and that I wanted and deserved more then what I had lived with the last 18 yrs..
Again, I'm speaking for myself. I know some people (somewhere) can live with the disease and be happy enough. It just wasn't "happy enough" for me.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for that. I don't know I have ever heard the term before, but now I understand what you mean. I don't think I have done that yet. I have set a boundry that I can't bare to live with it in my house.
I constantly amaze myself with how much I can put up with... LOL
But as I have contemplated this the concept of suck came to mind. Life today living in the same home with the disease really sucks in my eyes. If I continue to get better and she stays the same (not likely, but just for argument) things would suck less.
I have asked myself if my life sucked less would that be enough for me to feel I am doing what my HP would have me do in this life? I can't imagine the answer would be yes forever. But, I haven't jumped off that bridge yet. I guess I am still open to what tomorrow brings. I don't know if that makes sense?
Thanks as always for your input. Rational conversation, and honest introspection have been far away memories for me for so long, I am a bit rusty. But I'm getting there...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
