The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She was married to an A for many years...she left him coz of the drinking,only to leave him for another A,who she then left for another one...
Meanwhile, all the children in the family grew up in a household where this was normal behaviour.
I made the mistake of calling her to talk about the problem i am experiencing with her son and ask for some advice, only to have her tell me "a mans gotta drink!" and theres nothing wrong with it.
The biggest problem is that when he goes over there to visit her, she has no problem with letting him drink there and then watches him happily drive home!!!!
I've begged her to take the keys from him and hide them, but she says she cant??????
i popped in there one day to surprise him (and catch him out) and i took his keys from him and gave them to his mum and told her to hide them...then i left and asked her to call him a taxi. U know what she did??? She gave him back the keys as soon as i was out the door.
I feel like i am the only one who cares if he is physically o.k.
I am furious at her for not showing the responsibility a mother should have, even if her son is a grown man.
Unfortunately, our A's are going to surround themselves with people who approve. This is when we have to detach and focus on ourselves. You can't control it. That's where we drive ourselves crazy over this awful disease. If he's going to drink and drive, you can only protect yourself by not driving with him....or not allowing him to drive a vehicle that is in your name. Or if you feel strongly about protecting some innocent person out there from him, call the police and alert them of a drunk driver on the road.
I highly recommend the book "Getting them Sober" -Toby Rice Drews
It's a brutal disease, but we don't have to let it ruin our lives.
Take it from someone who has tried, pleading, begging, nothing works and will not change.
My MIL has been an enabler for over 30 years. She looks at Aa as a cult, will not even consider Alanon or counseling. On the occasions my husband has looked to sobriety, she has underminded it every chance she got.
She says she always knew where her son was, (drinking in the woods with his friends), so that made her a good mother.
She has always talked of his right to drink, and gone along with him, that he drives better after drinking than most people drive sober.
More problems arose after we had children. If it came a choice between my childrens safety and his right to drink, she would always opt for drinking. I cannot ever leave my kids over there with them, because she will never stop him from driving the kids after drinking, just to prove she thinks he's ok.
Over the years I have become the enemy and mommy is the hero, because she encourages and supports his drinking.
I have realized over time, that nothing I say will change her thinking, only he can, and he doesn't want to, since it is his drinking that she is supporting.
All you can do is protect yourself, because you probably will never find and alli in her.
You can no more control your future MIL than you can your boyfriend. And you have more influence over your boyfriend don't you? LOL.
People are who they are, it is up to us to decide if we want them in our lives or not.
I too learned this the hard way.
My parents are not perfect, but I knew they loved me with everything they had in them. I was simply not prepared for the callous disregard my husband's parents have for him. As long as he "looks good" that is all they care about.
I remember begging and pleading with them to help me convince my husband not to drink and drive and risk so much that he has worked so hard for. He has worked himsels into a position of a college PROFESSOR all before age 40. He has worked tirelessly, working on his PhD, taking all of the classes the other tenured professors did not want, etc. and risks it all drinking and driving on a regular basis. His parents don't drink at all, and don't allow alcohol in their home, so he does not drink there, but I pleaded with them to CALL him, VISIT him, show him they care...nothing .
These horribly cold people live only 20 minutes away, are both retired and wealthy with new cars in great repair. They just don't care. Their son has no friends and no family who cares, except me, our daughter and my Mom. My Mom genuinly cares for him but respects his privacy so would never talk to him (nag) him about his drinking. My husband respects his parents and never is cold to them, they just don't care about him.
This is so sad...but I had to realize that that is just how his parents are. All they WANT to see if the college professor and enjoy that until it is gone. That is not love. Poor husband .
We don't have any control over how other people parent their children, especially their grown children and the sooner we learn that the better. Don't waste your time beating your head against a brick wall like I did, trying to get his parents just to CALL him once a year...sigh.
That is all I asked too...a phone call, a visit, maybe once a month? For their ONLY SON!
Nope, they could not do that .
So, I have written them off as being any help to husband or caring for him in any real way.
I am polite to them IF I run into them but that is it. I don't bother with them either. I used to send cards and gifts, thinking they were "normal" but now I don't bother. If they care so little about their only son, imagine how much they care about me?
Just resign yourself to how his mom is and stop wasting your time trying to change her. Instead, try to change your boyfriend, you have a higher chance of success there...and that is not saying much is it?
It can be maddening for sure, but the reality is that his Mother can't change what is happening either. Even if she was the most loving, caring person in the world she has no power. After marrying and divorcing 3 alcoholics it's obvious that she is sick too. If it's ok to drink it's ok to drive drunk too. What a mentality!. "A mans gotta drink"??? Sheesh!!!
I had the most wonderful, kind mother in law. She would tell my A she loved him, told him she prayed for him nightly, talked with him about his drinking and what a toll it was taking on his family etc. My A never skipped a beat. Kept right on drinking. Anything his elderly Mom said didn't phase him.
Yes, taking the keys would be the practical thing to do, but she doesn't appear to be real practical. Especially if 3 A marriages haven't worked out. I guess it hasn't dawned on her what may have caused those divorces.
Take Care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Remember Step 1. That includes mothers-in-law and all enablers. Nothing we can do about it. Keep the focus on you, and pray that no innocent gets hurt when he drives.
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
.