The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex has been here all weekend (my choice) and tonight I told him he had to go home. I know a lot of this is a control issue and I'm worried that the path I am going down is going to lead me to get sucked back in. Is it possible to keep the good (him helping out with the kids and around my house and the physical stuff) and leave the bad (him pissing me off and possibly being led to believe that this means we are getting back together). I'm so confused!!
Do you have to be perfect at recovery day 1. I beat myself up mercilessly that I am not on plan b out the door, up the mountain with a perfect job, recovered.
We're allowed to be imperfect here. I have an ambivalent relationship with the A. I set tons of limits, some of them are better than others. I detach at least a thousand times a day. I don't spend much time with him. I detach from his family and friends and all that. Yet I am really not that good at it I'm new. I also work super dooper hard not to bring any more dysfunction into my life I have enough! I struggle a lot,some days are bad, others ok Right now struggling is ok. I am working on it. I am willing that's all I can do.
I don't have to be perfect, superdooper martyr anymore or a perfect example of recovery. I'm in recovery for me not to be the shining star of light in the sky.
At work I have tons of issues about doing, rescuing, fixing, controlling. I have to let go of all that and just do the best I can. That for me is enough but I try super super super hard to be boundaried. I also try super hard not to get into situations where I "promise" anything.
Promises of super dooper martyrdom, people pleasing have nearly killed me.
So I don't see you as slipping at all. Program isn't about perfectionism, its about getting up each day and refining and doing it better for me at least.
You ask: Is it possible to keep the good (him helping out with the kids and around my house and the physical stuff) and leave the bad
Ask yourself: Is is possible for me to do this? Could I before? How did I feel? What has changed? Am I helping my A get to recovery faster by doing this? Will my kids be better off? Will I be better off?
I love the book "Getting them Sober". It helps us to figure these things out without compromising our selves. Only you know what you can put up with.
Your situation is something like mine is right now except he is not an ex and he hasn't stayed over (he's in a nearby motel room since the end of September. You can read my latest posts). After he left we had an awful fight on the phone and it was over a week before I spoke to him again. I had it on my mind to apologize though I wasn't quite sure if that was the way I ought to go. But I did and asked to come fix something in the house. We were both nice to each other which was a relief for both of us (and he did not drink). In the past week I have called him a couple of times about some harrassing bill collectors who find their way to my number no matter how I try to prevent it. He also called here for something and our conversations sound like nothing ever happened. But he now knows that I'm in Al-Anon again and he is in AA though we do not discuss anything about that....Yesterday I had thoughts of calling him just to talk about anything (but not our relationship - we are not ready to go there yet) but I also did not want him thinking that I need him or am thinking about asking him back just because I initiated the phone call. Plus I didn't even know what to say if I did call! Well, this morning I decided to go ahead and call him. I told him nothing was wrong but I just called to say hello and see how he was and to let him know that the atmosphere was friendly.He said 'one day at a time'. We got into a talk about our kids and when he mentioned Thanksgiving, it sounded like he's thinking he'll be here for dinner. He also told me what temp. to keep the thermostats on in the rooms that are not being used! Sounds like he's still connected to here which is fine by me because part of my head is connected to him as well. I just wanted to talk to him and I know he wanted to hear from me. As long as we are being decent, I've decided why not. But I do not want him here. Being separated is the best thing for us. I also thought about what if we want the week-end or one night together. Hmmmm... If it goes that far, it'll be his request but I just can't do it as much as I want to because afterwards I think I'll feel like I blew my our whole idea of needing space. Then again I might go for it! I'll cross that bridge IF I get to it. I don't think you ought to kick yourself, though. Heck, you two did have a life together and I think it's good that he stays involved with the kids. He should. They love him no matter what. And if you want him to fix things and he will, why not? There's such things as friendly divorces. And if you don't want it to go beyond that, then you can get help here or wherever to help you through it. We know how tough it is! Maybe you just aren't ready to let go of him if letting go is what you want. There is a website called Getting them Sober where she has excerpts from her wonderful books. One of those excerpts is on separation and I think you may find that a tremendous help. Hang tough,girl! :) My thoughts are with you......jaja
Thanks for all your replies, I guess I am expecting perfection out of myself. I feel like I don't want to leave an opening for him to slip back in at this point. When I say ex, we are still married it's just hard to define our seperation so ex is easier to say. Once I moved out I began referring to him as ex because that is the current situation although in my heart I think he will always be 'the one'. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again.
