The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mom passed away on Tuesday. I was glad I got to say good bye and tell her I love her 10 minutes before it happened. She went into the hospital a month ago. She had 3 years after my alcoholic father died, but our family is pretty wounded, so I can't say she really had us to comfort her. I think in the end everyone failed her, including she herself. I am trying to have faith she is in a better place. I am struggling.
i am so sorry for your loss. even under perfect circumstances death is never easy. i lost my dad this past may. i was there also and i am so grateful that i was. to me he is here with me all the time now. i see him in people passing by, i hear his voice, i smell his cologne. i see and hear things that bring him back to me as if he never really left. i am hanging on to those things and i know he loved me unconditionally. no body's family is perfect and that you got to be there for your mom's most important day is something you will always have. she is in a better place. i wish you much peace and when you feel like crying go ahead...thats what people do when they are sad.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother at the very tender age of 19. I know how much it hurts. Be glad that you were able to have those years with her, even the rough ones. None of this was your fault nor your siblings, nor your Mom's. To an extent it wasn't even your father's fault, he had a disease that was cruel. Your family did the best they could under the circumstances. She's at peace now. Perhaps my Mom is showing her the ropes.
Keeping your family in my prayers tonight.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My mum died what is coming up to 4 years ago. I made a huge huge effort in her last few years. I really tried to be there in some way. I had boundaries but I know in my heart I did my best. That is all I can do.
I can well understand the grief of a dysfunctional parents death. My mother and father died as they lived in immense chaos and pain. I think they did enjoy some of retirement but pretty much it was a continuation of the same old stuff for them. I did come to terms with my mother a great deal but nevertheless when she did die (which was totally unexpected) I did go through a lot of grief.
There was an issue when my mother died of that someone had not done enough. My elder sister was late as usual in getting to her house. My elder sister is and was always hours and hours late. I am sure she suffered a lot of guilt about it. I am also sure it made her feel entitled to act out in different ways which she did and for which I am grateful I can have boundaries.
I do hope you will allow yourself time to grieve. Often when we have dysfunctional parents no one wants to hear it. I had one friend who still says that she can't understand why I grieved. I have given up trying to explain to her why it was so hard. I felt deeply betrayed by her at the time. So please do surround yourself with people who can hear, give a wide berth to those who can't. They can have someone else to contend with. I grieved my mother in a different way than I grieved my father. Oddly enough on both occasions which were 10 years apart, both meant that I dealt with betrayal by people around me. I think now that was symbolic of my parents there was tremendous betrayal in there.
I used to feel because my parents were so out there I did not deserve to grieve for them the same as others. I was really upset that I did not get to grieve for many reasons in the same ways others did. I could not afford to go to the funeral among other issues. I also had no boundaries so maybe that was for the wise. My elder sister was insufferable in her domination and control issues around the funeral. I would just stuff things down and explode then.
I really do hope for your sake you allow yourself time, space and the process of grieving. Grieving my mother's death has been huge for me. That is one of the biggest moments in our lies and it deserves attention.
I am so grateful that I was and had been in Al-Anon for a while when my Mom (and step dad) were in their process of leaving. I was glad to be a recovering part of the family even when they weren't. I was glad to share the changes in my behaviors and personality as they happened in this program because then I wasn't adding to the chaos as I had before. I like to say sometimes that Al-Anon gave my Mom the son she wished she had. She also got more because I lost the fear of her and my step-father and was able to be a part of their lives without wanting to be somewhere else. I learned to accept them and treat them with dignity and without resentment and distain. They experienced the difference and this program made even their lives easier while it was making my life worth living.
Alcoholism devastated my family and still holds a firm grip on some of the upcoming generations. I no longer contribute to that as I learned not to with my parents. I understand some of the feelings you must be having...sadness, remorse, regret and I have learned in this program to really grieve the loss while also really celebrating the good times.
My Mom and Step-Dad did the best they could with what they had...period!
Keep coming back and keep sharing your esh (((((hugs)))))
Thanks to you all for your comfort and words of support. I will be grieving for a long time, but it really helps to have the support of others. I know my mom's pain is gone, but I also think she would have wanted time to say goodbye. I have to get past my anger over this time that was stolen from her.
